Thursday, May 29, 2003 :::
"Are you going to post in your blog about this?" Kai and Robert pestered me to no end about it.
After my first period final, I passed Ku on the stairs. I didnt say a word, but instead continued on my mighty journey. I went to talk to my biology teacher, then went and paid for my biology book in the high rise office, then went back and showed the teacher the recipt. I didnt see anyone i knew along the way.
I went outside, to the fine arts building. The time, 9:30. I didnt go in, but walked instead back around, and into the courtyard. Deserted. The whole school was deserted. At 9:40, i entered onto louetta.
The journey was long and difficult. At 10:05 I stopped into whataburger to get myself a large drink- i chugged half of it full with water, then filled it with a strawberry-dr. pepper suicide.
I arrived home about 10:20. Then, i decided to log on, and call Tina.
*brring*. No answer, then... "Hello?"
"Is Tina there?"
"She's busy right now. Who is this?"
"Todd"
"I'll tell her to call you back"
Hung up. *Brring!* my phone rings. "Come outside", robert says.
I tricked them, and let Robert and Kai in. Kai can drive!
I decided to pick up watching Naruto, and bang, they become disinterested. Oh well, my couch has been defiled. Robert seems very interested in Kai's bellybutton...
Well, skipping over a large potion of my day that involves Robert and Kai making out on my couch while i played games and watched anime, We went to see a movie.
Bruce Almighty. It is the FUNNIEST movie! I laughed so much! Jennifer seemed to laugh alot harder tho... I had to shush her some times, she was the only one laughing, pretty hard too.
Near the end of the movie, Robert decided he was too sexy for his pants. So, he unzipped them, when everything was quiet. Not just once, but several times. We managed to get some people staring at us... quite intently too.
Robert keeps complaining about Jennifer's personal bubble... but I honestly dont see it. Maybe its just him.
Somewhere, we lost craig. We were supposed to meet him there, but we were late, and never saw him. Oh yeah, Jas was there too, but he didnt do anything notable. Neither did Josh.
My shirt is stained. I think i'll go eat now.
Its better that way.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003 :::
Im a little late today, but today was fun!!!
First, i met up with Jennifer after school. We all went to Pasta Co., Me, Jennifer, Halley, Sarah, and Marci all in one car. I know all of them, from different sources (Jennifer anime club, Halley from fifth period, Marci from middle school, Sarah from the time i went in Jennifer's room ar chorpus...)
Well yeah, dispite Halley and Jennifer's strange motions toward eachother (they're joking, but at least its less intamate than with Rin and Courtney...), I had lots of fun.
Lesson number one: Although Jennifer has a personal bubble, she has preferences, and discriminates. I was poking her today. Her arm jiggles! However, when I rubbed her head, she got mad at me, "I'm not Tina!". I didnt mention that I do it to everyone, so I just moved over and did the same to Halley. She didnt even move! And, her hair is so soft! How cute!!
Err... yeah...
Next on the list, I got dropped off. I was falling asleep watching Naruto, so I went outside to get a drink, and SURPRISE, I find Spenn, Chase, Jordan, and Kai in my driveway, in Spenn's Corvair. I went back inside, talked to Jas, then came out.
Lesson number two: I turned down a ride from Spenn, although I wanted to go, I didnt. I went to mountasia later instead, and it payed off.
I got to play a TON of good songs on DDR Extreme, Lauren says that they will have a room full of DDR machines at A-Kon, and guess what, shes going too! Haha! And Ku says DDR is a quarter, i dont know if thats for three songs, or one song, but either way, its cheaper than mountasia ($1 for 3 songs).
Lesson number three: Im probibly going to end up ditching Ku, Robert, and Jas most of the time at A-Kon, dispite the fact that I want to hang out with them. But i want to be with Jennifer, Craig, and Josh more, and I know they're not going to be following them. I know Tina will follow Jas around, thats what makes it tough, but eh, I can always ditch them. Except, for DDR. Im going to be at that DDr machine until my legs collapse. Whom to choose? I think ill just keep switching, even better. Yeah, one of them, Ku, Robert, Jas, or Tina will be dragging me around for a while, by my ankles if i dont cooperate, so when they stop, ill go hang out with the rest.
A-Kon is going to be awesome!
I was playing DDR at mountasia, and i was doing singles. The one kid came up and i almost crushed his foot on the back arrow. I ignored and, and then turned around, and asked who it was. I was about to kick his ass.
Lesson number four: The kid asked me how long Ive been playing, and pointed at my shirt. I looked down and laughed so hard, i was soaked beyond my chest.
1.Everyone can be swayed under certain circumstances. 2. Some choices are hard, but denying the first one might lead to the opening of a better one later. 3. Some choices are inevtable, and are best taken as they come, instead of forcing it one way or the other. 4. Laughter is the best cure for any problem.
Its better that way.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 :::
Bleh!
Nothing memorable today. Well, okay.
For one, Jordan came up to me at lunch.
"Holy shit! what the hell happened to you?"
I looked at him like he was desiesed.
"You're... getting skinnier?! What the hell happened?"
Err.. yeah, thats flattering. But eh, nothing can keep Ku out.
Then we joked around, "Its the masturbation, isnt it?"
It really is the DDR making me skinnier, but eh, im not one to change a set mind. Then he went on to explain a story of his... he sweat so much, there was a sweat stain of his bnody on his bed. Im never touching that bed again.
I talked with the girls in my fifth period class today... sadly, i talked with them for the last time. I put my number in Halley's phone, poked Elaine alot (shes really fun to poke. Shes kinda hard-skinned), and talked with Karen, who felt quite left out with Hally and Elaine. I talked with her, all the way out of class, and though the main building.. gah she even gave me a good-bye hug, then i ran and cought up with Tina, whom I spotted right after i said goodbye to Karen. Karen's kinda cute actually... but Michael (Ireland) kinda has an obsession with her. Halley's also kinda cute, and Elaine just wont stop reading.
Well, Another enocouraging conversation. When Tina tried to explain who I was, she described me as "The guy who broke up with me". Err... i never thought of it that way, but i kinda did... even tho it never reached that point.
Oh well. After that, we met up with Kai and Chase, and David Nguyen (heard about him, just met him today), and we all rode in Chase's car. David and Tina were both cool (i of course sat between them as we looked at a book of "Dirty Cartoons"), but we dropped them off. then, Chase and Kai came over and swam. We talked alot, during, and afterwords. About alot of ppl... and even more I dont know.
Blah blah blah. Sorry to bore you!
Its better that way.
Monday, May 26, 2003 :::
Bah I just got back from Chinatown!
Today was awesome. First, last night, LAN at robert's.
I arrived, then Kai arrived. We watched TV for a while, god knows what they were doing on the couch next to me. Something about combing hair... why Kai kept falling off the couch is a mystery to me.
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge is the MOST AWESOME show ever!!! everyone needs to watch it! TNN (ch 32?) saturdays at 8 and sundays at 7.
Andrew came, and then we watched Wasabi. Its some movie about a guy, who loves a girl in japan, and she walked out 19 years ago, then he recives her death notice... so he goes to Japan and meets the doughter he never knew he had, and they come together THROUGH DDR 5th MIX AT THE MOST AWESOME RAVE-ARCADE IVE EVER SEEN!!!
Eh heh heh... sorry.
Well anyway, Josh came somewhere in the movie, and we got a gmae of SC goin. I won, zerg.
Then it was a 2v1 all-protoss. They massed cannons, and took two whole hours to kill me. I killed one base and half of the cannons in the middle.
Ive watched so much Naruto, but its soo good! By Akira Toriyama... a guy trying to become the Hokage (leader of a hidden ninja village), and blah its so good! The fights are awesome!
Today, we went to chinatown. We didnt do much, but I can say, me and Robert sucessfully tainted Jennifer. Lets just say, she managed to pick up on our conversation style before we departed.
This is so fun!!!
This week, i think im gonna hang out with Jennifer and Halley and them wednesday, thursday i get to go see Bruce Almighty with the gang i met up with today, and i only have finals thursday and friday! Only one final a day!
Bah, but that means i gotta go to school all next week. No matter, it will be fun.
Its better that way.
Saturday, May 24, 2003 ::: The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge! Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Friday, May 23, 2003 :::
I did it!
I finally did it!
I am free!
I went to the orchestra banquet! Oh, whoops, thats not the point.
Jennifer took me there. I was in the middle of watching a movie when they picked me up, Jennifer and Tina.
We drove there with no troubles. I met my friends there, introduced Tina to them. Joseph, viola Kevin, Heather, and any other friends i came across. Akina even smiled at me once, i saw her with Ben the whole time. I didnt say more than Hi to her.
So, we (me and Tina) decided to sit with Jennifer and Halley. They're both really cool. They had their room there, including Marcelle, whom i havent mentioned before. I was the only other guy at the table, besides Marci's "date". But, whatever, i didnt wanna make Tina feel uncomfortable, and i already knew everyone. We got our food, and discovered paper burning= bad and crutons DO burn well!
It seemed to happen so quickly, i talked with Tina A LOT about random useless stuff, commenting on anything and everything. I also talked with some of the ppl at my table, esp the guy sitting next to me. I know Marci from 8th grade cello choir (i was in 7th grade), but i dont think she knows me. I hung out with the Sophomores and Juniors, basically. I talked with Halley and Jennifer a little once the music came on. I enjoyed myself fully, as did Jennifer, Halley, and Tina.
A little while after the music came on, I got out of the bathroom, and decided to go talk with Tina, who was talking to one of her old orchestra friends. She parted, and came toward me, and we went outside (she thought I wanted to dance, no, i only wanted to talk). We made small talk, and then got to the point. I said what I had to say, theres no way I can go out with her. But, we're still good friends, still best friends, in fact. Couldnt be better. We got it all out, as we normally do, these past few weeks have been crazy. The exact week I stopped liking her (last week), she felt the opposite for me. But, depression took her over, it never would have worked out. I agree, i tried to stop being so shallow, and now I see it, I dont think it could have worked out. shes just not my type.
This one girl, whom i have talked too before, came up and suggested since I took Tina, that we should dance. Tina agreed, but we just went back to talking, and didnt do it. I actually didnt feel like dancing; honest, im not just saying that. Jennifer kinda put me outa the mood before we got there, but i do believe, that worked for the better too.
Im going to get slimmer over the summer, and aparently "Hotter". I guess, it works.
Its better that way.
Well, i know what I have to do tonight.
Robert and Kai are behind me, im a lil afraid to look back there.
Oh well. Ill have to tell Tina exactly what shes been telling me all along, theres no way I can go out with someone like her. she doesnt like to talk, and she doesnt like to get close to people. I prefer if someone likes both, but i can deal with only one. But neither... I cant deal with someone who cant do both. this is the last staw, piling on top of a lot of other sins.
So, now, I guess im freelance. Like i said, Robert and Kai are behind me right now. I feel like ill be a third wheel, a Asaba to their Soichirou and Yukino (His and Hers reference). This is it, i have to do it.
And thats why Tina has to go to the banquet tonight. Sorry, but Jennifer will have to hear it. Oh well, once news gets around, ill be better. I cant change just yet, but i think the time is now. I guess i will.
Ill be back to me. For a while, anyway.
Its better that way
Thursday, May 22, 2003 :::
Agh.
Well, I did it again. But, this is the last.
Last night, I cried again. I dont know, it just came over me. Ive spent too much time on her... I keep talking to her, but she never changes. Never! so, why am I even talking to her? Its better if I dont.
She didnt come to club today either. She didnt want to do anything with us last weekend.
I always figured the banquet tomarrow would be a start of something, but never an end.
Ive spent too much time on Tina, and its time to move on. I already have, but frankly, im kind of scared. I cant change my lifestyle like Kai wanted me to... im sorry.
Well then, what is there to be scared about? Its the fact, of who's next. Im scared of who could be next.
And, for the sake of novelty, i still follow Tina around anyway. Schools to close to ending, people sensing a change now would be too hard to explain. Ill just wait till summer.
A summer without games, a summer without someone on my mind 24/7. I wonder what this will bring? Im going to apply for a job at Krogers soon. I just hope being 15 doesnt affect anything.
Im back to my normal self. I wrote on Katherine's hand today, "Unblock Wintoilet" I wonder if she will.
Oh well, nothing matters anymore. Im me again, and I guess i can thank Kai mainly, and the rest of my friends fior just being theirselves, it seems to help me most when people dont change because I am depressed. Thanks, i guess.
Im back to the begining again. Life has passed me by. When i cried last night, i realized, the only way I can move on in life is by getting a girlfriend. Five minutes, five days, five months, more than a year, whatever. Once I get one, ill finally realize it. But, life passed me by there. so, now, im stuck as me. Thats all i can do, is be me, static me.
Its better that way.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003 :::
Yeah, i only took this quiz cuz it was in Kai's blog, but i posted it cuz it seems to fit. Or at least... yeah, it fits.
You are every goth-kids dream!
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 :::
Err ok. This doesnt constitute a post, but ill save worring about a g/f till next school year.
Its decided.
Have fun, as I know I will.
Today was awesome.
I got bored after school today, and decided to go to Kais house after she invited me in. Tina didnt want tio go in, but i dragged her in anyway. She came in, and we ate cheese. We talked for a while, then Tina decided to leave. I asked her to stay, but eh, she left anyway. Nothing felt.
Then Kai practiced the piano. She bored the heck outta me, i tried to get to to practice differently, but she refused. I got some sleep in on the couch.
Then, we sat on the couch, ate oranges, and talked. We talked about a subject that I didnt know still hurt, Tina. Well, basically shes been hinting this all along, "But what if Tina doesnt go out with you?"
Its best if I sum it up with alot of quotes, the way I see it.
"Tina doesnt want to hurt you. But, she doesnt want to go out with you"
"What does Tina want?" I said
"She doesnt want to see you depressed, she just wants to be friends"
"But, she is the reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I go through my day, in hopes one day she will. Its been like that for almost four years now, and I dotn know how to live differently"
We then agreeed, its easy for me to replace this goal with another. I just need to find something else that I can replace it with... I dont know what.
Eh eh. Well, in any event, Kai helped me alot, and even if i still am left in a puddle of mud, i feel kind of lucid right now. Lucid, thats the word.
Im going to A-Kon as MIROKU!!! The guy with the Air Void from inuyasha.
Have fun, as I know I will.
Monday, May 19, 2003 :::
Sunday was even better.
We went to get my costume, me and Josh. We looked around the mall, and got me a shiert that compensated for Miroku's kimono (which we just found out it is), then went therougl like 5 different stores to get me some shoes that compensated for the wooden sandals Miroku wears, since my feet are big. We ended up getting a size 12 brown sandal, and well my feet are a size 14, but damn those sandals fit good.
No one noticed i wore those today. Im not going to point it out.
Then, we picked up Ku, and Ari wasnt home, so we skipped her. we went to the woodlands mall. I got a Matrix soundtrack (WHICH IS AWESOME, GO BUY IT!!!), some pocky (Strawberry, eh), and some food. I also got a matrix poster for my room.
Ah, in the morning, it was fun. Nothing unusual happened, but Tina seems to be back to normal. Same time that I am too... i was thinking about how odd that is, we both get messed up at the same time, and recover at the same time...
Today, after school, we WERE going to go to mountasia, but those damned imbusuls didnt have DDR set up!!! They were re-organizeing the machines at the MOST CONVIENIENT TIME!. Instead, we went to best buy. There, I bout Ai Yori Aoishi, definately a shoujo, but i have yet to watch it.
Then we went to wataburger. Eh eh, they're cheap, but i drank two and a half of those huge sodas, and my stumach is hurting from it.
From there, to Toys R Us. It was fun, they had DDR! Josh convinced me to buy some beyblade, and i did, which depeted me of my money, sadly enough.
I almost forgot how fun hanging out with the guys was. Damn man, at wataburger, we probibly annoyed the workers we were laughing so hard. I had no idea how funny drinking out of seven straws was. I took my drink to Toys R Us, the workers stared at me weird, but eh. We even played DDr, and now my stumach feels like its about to combine vinegar and baking soda. EXPLOSION!
School is getting MEGA-Easy. Im not going to study for one final at all, as i dont really need to to pass. Eh!
Yeah, i know, this post is more about what I did.
Not that it matters at all, but I talked with Katherine today. Im beging to capitalize her name more, shes begining to become cooler. Tina says shes gonna break up with her B/f sometime, i dont know when, but they seem to be drifting if you ask me. Me and Katherine were going on and on in front of Cyrus and Jesse in my spanish class, it was funny to watch them wonder in disbelief that we knew so much. That was fun.
FYI, Cyrus is the worst ignoramous on earth. He wouldnt stop saying the word "Yu Yu Hakushu", misprouncing it on perpouse, just because it sounded cool. He deserves to be shot out back, with a double revolver, barefoot, on his hands, uphill both ways.
Spanish pisses me off! I have a 79!! and I need an 80 to exempt the final!!! Grr....
Oh well. Im going to go see the Matrix with Tina and Jas, when Jas gets back. The first time i saw it, Aaron was amazed I cought any of the movie, I was talking with Michelle so much. I wonder if it will be the same with Tina?
BUY THE MATRIX SOUNDTRACK!
Err yeah, i almost forgot. Orchestra banquet this friday, i got Jennifer to pick me and Tina up. I think its better that way. But Tina doesnt have a dress. Oh SNAP! Oh well, she'll work it out.
Miroku costume, Woodlands mall, Failed mountasia trip, Best buy, Food, Movies, Katherine and Tina. Must my life be so complicated? I rather like it better this way.
Many problems can be solved with only one solution.
Sunday, May 18, 2003 :::
I went to see the matrix!
Heh... i dont know what this means, but I ended up talking with Michelle the whole time. Although the arms did nothing, we talked exactly as Tina and I did the whole time. Michelle even leaned over to Josh and talked with him, exactly as much as Tina did.
Except, for the one fact, I wasnt trying to hit on her (as i might have Tina, i cant remember).
The only fact that disturbs me, is after we were out of the theatre, Ku said, "If you hit on my sister, im going to kill you"
He was merely joking, then said something even more disturbing, "Actually, I'd probibly be just like Herbert is. Not care"
Err.. i dont quite know about that. Michelle kinda is a lil too young for me. And anyway, shes not the one im after.
But I cant mention that too much.
Err, yeah, i guess its just me =)
Ha ha, well, uhh, i gotta go see that movie again. Noisy Michelle...
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Saturday, May 17, 2003 :::
Gnar!
I dont feel like this constitutes a whole post, so for now, it is only a clarification of earlier.
Tina was just in a 'mood', and she didnt mean much she said. Likewise, i wasnt feeling good myself, so I didnt mean much I said.
Just got off the phone with her (called her to see if she wanted to go to the matrix), and she seems cool. Except, she seems to think Im still depressed.
Err, oops, i forgot to mention that I went bowling yesterday. Im cool now, cool with everything, just, i dont think she knows it.
All comes in time.
Also, as a little side note, i feel more like Im becoming Rob and Kai's 'tagalong', like Asaba between Shouichiro and Yukino in His and Hers... only real.
My life is so messed up, first it feels like its straight out of Evangalion, now straight out of His and Hers...
Which reminds me, i really need to get the 4th His and hers DVD.
And im going to see the Matrix later.
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Friday, May 16, 2003 :::
I went bowling. It was fun, at least when Kai and Rob left for dairy Queen in there somewhere. The rest, was kind of apathetic, but was still cool.
Ive noticed im a little apathetic now. I guess its good, maybe its bad, maybe im insane. But, no matter what,
I like the person I am. Even if sometimes i try to get sympathy the wrong way from people, i still like it.
Banquet is still friday, and thats what's keeping me going.
As for the rest,
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Okay, i appeared depressed today, well, when I went to Tina's house after school, anyway.
I wore myself out playing DDR. I really want to see the Matrix with Tina, seeing X2 with her was fun! I never felt better in my life!
But, for some reason, she wants to see it alone. I think, at the end, we agreed to go, with the group, but she got to choose who sat on the other side. "Yeah, sure, thats good with me!"
"You're desperate, no one likes a desperate guy"
"Don't worry, Tina's just in a bitchy mood."
"I'm just in a bitchy mood today"
All these quotes are floating around in my head... and the latter two i have no choice but to agree with, but its the first one thats bothering me.
My logic, is that, 'How can I be desperate toward only one girl? I want a girlfriend, but it cant me just anybody"
Im just going to leave it there. Im going to go places, with or without her. However, im still going to see the Matrix with her.
As for the rest, im going to go with or without her.
Thats my decision. And im gonna stick to it.
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Thursday, May 15, 2003 :::
I deleted my last post.
I cant say too much, but I can say that Kai helped me a ton.
She tought me not to change for others, but rather, to be content with who I am.
It took me a while, but thanks to that, I realized the person I was, that I liked, wasnt cool. He was cool because I was the person I liked.
In other words, when I liked myself, I was cool. Not when I was cool, I liked myself.
I guess im just trying too hard to be myself.
From now on, im content with who I am.
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003 :::
Well... I could go on about what happened today, but I called Tina to apologize, and everything is okay.
I just noticed, however, how less sociable Kai and Robert are getting. I havent talked with either of them online in a couple of days, and IRL i talk to them much less than i used to. Im not even sure if they're hanging out together, like Tina and I do, but I do know they are hanging out with the rest of us less.
We're all going to see the Matrix after school is out, Me, Tina, Ku, Jas, and Lex.
And a side note, i havent mentioned before, but Ku's g/f is Lex. I dont know how he knows her, but she was at his party a while back. She doesnt go to this school-
and thats why Tina has run out of excuses not to go out with me. Thats why I have to wait 6 months, because then i will be changed into a person she can go out with, skinnier, not a fish, and not hurt her reputation. Shallow, yes, but im willing to wait.
We're close enough as is... i can wait.
Past behind, give flight for the future.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 :::
now that I think about it, yet again, i think ill be okay.
Tina was in very dry mood today, and she wasnt being very fun.
"No. You can't go out with me. But you're still coming over to play DDR..." (signature cut.)
Well... that sure as heck didnt help (the you cant go out with me part. The rest is cool), and i even showed my disapproval to that. C'mon, now that's in my yearbook! So, she signed again, on the next page, same corner, but this time, re-assuringly.
"Cont'd. You'll have to wait 6 months. Why? Your bitchmaster said so. I still have your free pass. *evil smirk*, Ahh - You're too sensitive.... "(sig cut again).
She also seems creeped out that this blog is mainly about her. She is wrong, it isnt. It's mainly about me. And it's mainly what i'm about, and if my best friend//crush//potential date isnt mentioned alot, then well that would just be really shallow of me, wouldn't it?
In any event, i dont have that much else to say. Talked with Jennifer... damn she can play that orchestra tryout piece well. I didnt do that well on it...
Err nothing unusual in the morning, the day was cut short slightly...
Why am I even bothering to describe my day? I started out like that, and it was boring as hell!!! I guess, the only point to this post, is that, If Tina keeps her word with me, ill take the wait.
And the world goes round.
Monday, May 12, 2003 :::
Well scratch the below. Kai and Robert just came over, we hung out in the back then my game room for a while, lil over an hour. They were cool, made sure they didnt do anything.
I got it all out... they know how much I like Tina, so far to even call it love.
Kai got nosy, and wouldnt go away, so I finally admitted what Tina said to me. I told her only one thing tho. "She told me, to wait six months. She promised me she wouldnt go anywhere."
Kai then, energetically, responded, "Its because she doesnt want to go out with a freshman. She wants you to at least be a sophomore, and maybe till you get a little skinnier." And, those were my thoughts exactly.
Jordan talked earlier, he said "Aren't you and Tina hooking up soon?"
"who told you that?"
"my bro".
And to add another quote from Chase:
Corus: and the fact that she doesn't want to go out with you becuz you're a fish
Corus: there's just something shallow and vapid about the whole thing
I wasnt wondering this earlier, but now that I think about it, it is really shallow of her, isnt it?
But i dont want to mention anything...
I dont know if everyone knowing is freaky, or helpful. I seriously hope it will become the latter, and that they will help me. Im not longer depressed about it, because, I have a feeling, somethings going to help me get what I want. Something, or someone. Hopefully.
All I can do is wish. Till then,
Yozora no kanashimi
I have a feeling depression has come in full swing, again.
Everyone, all of my friends, are laughing at me. My haircut sucks, my head looks like penis... No one really cared how I feel.
Well, thats not entirely true. Id be cool with all that, but it all piles on.
I come back from sunday thinking that thigns have changed with me and Tina. I even called her my girlfriend to one or two random people that dont know me very well, or her at all,
but, now, Its depressing to find out nothing has changed. I was going to mention it to her, but I dont want anyone around. I think i'll just do it in the morning. On the bus ride there, tell Tina all this.
Shes the only one who seems to care anymore, she says my haircut doesnt look bad, and she says my head is cool, but still... to finally have fun one night, and come back from it realizing everything I thought was changed, was only wishful thinking...
I got locked out earlier, and decided to go Kai's house, where Robert was. I Didnt really want to see them, just use their phone, then I went and took a nap in the other room. Kai asked me twice, once before I fell asleep, and once after Rob woke me up, if I was okay. I didnt respond either time. Im not okay, but she cant help me.
And on a final note, my astrological sign jumped to Leo. I exhibit leo characteristics, but my horoscope for a saggitarious is always right.
And even my horoscope seems to hate me now.
Yozora no kanashimi
You are very strong and very protective of those you love. You are in tune with nature and are very concerned with justice and humanity. Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears are very hard for you to overcome, and can often inhibit you when most need to be strong.
I just got back from a "Double Date", or so the joke goes.
I had some friends over, it was cool (Bob, Josh, Robert).
In the morning, bob left quite early. not too long after, I let Kai come over, and well *sigh* good thing my attention was diverted by WCIII.
Kai only stayed for 20 minutes, Rob stayed for a couple more hours, slept, then went home. Josh stayed till 5, when I left to get my haircut.
After that, I got home, ate, then we went to the movies. I picked up Tina, we were late, but got our tickets and met Rob and Kai at Blenders (yeah dont wanna know what they were doing). In the movies, we met Josh, then went to the next theatre to see the next showing. Kai and Robert, well, whatever they were doing, were in their own world. Me and Tina talked alot, and Josh just kinda sat there (i feel bad we left him out..). During the movie, i tried not to look to my left too much, so I was already leaning to my right, Tina. She then grabbed my arm, and put it on hers, and we pretty much stayed the whole movie in that 'cuddle position'. I woudlnt have noticed Rob and Kai shifting the whole movie, but One time I accidently was squashing Kai's legs on the armrest and didnt notice it until she treid to take them out.
We chatted throughout the whole movie, and got shushed only twice (im loud), me and Tina. We laughed at alot of the movie, dispite it not being a very funny movie, but it wasnt bad at all, actually, X2 was quite good. I'll even reccomend it.
At the end, I decided to play a game, and we walked with arms locked the whole time, until we shook Robert and Kai (Josh kinda had his own ride), then we seperated arms. That is when the truth, from both of us, came out.
"You're gonna have to wait at least six months before we do anything."
"Dont worry, im not gonna go anywhere.", Both from Tina.
It pretty much came out, everything between us. There is stuff - I would ask her out, but she cant 'go out'. Not yet, her parents just wont let her.
"Yeah, at the party, Kai asked me if I liked you. I didnt respond" - Tina
"Its best that way", I said.
"That it is", the whole way though when we were talking like that, she was trying to tell me something, the same thing.
I think Kai and Robert arent alone anymore. I do wonder what Tina is going to cash that "Bitch Pass" on.
So, emotions felt. Maybe it wasnt a Double Date, in the sense that one is, but it sure did feel like it, even Tina said so. So, in my mind, it is. Tina also seems creeped out by this blog mainly mentioning her, but I guess when I look back on my day, all I see is my best friend//crush, I guess.
I no longer need a girlfriend. No need to ask her out anymore. I have all I need. Finally, all is truely well.
And the world goes round.
Saturday, May 10, 2003 :::
Well, in fact, today was good.
Im posting with people around me, but it doesnt matter. Ive posted my blog in my AIM profile, so its cool.
On with the story! Ill tell about Tina's party first.
I arrived early, right after school, and we didnt do anything but play DDR for two hours or so, i lost track, and then the guests began arriving.
I cant remember the exact order, but we did several things. Ate, played more DDR, had "spiritual talks" in Tina's room, me, Tina, and Marin, others permitting. I have her songs, we listened to my CD player together in front of her parents (she dragged me into their room, i cant understand her chinese).
I gave Tina the rest of her presents, so it rounds out to three gifts, short of my origional four. They were, Pineapple on tuesday, then CD wallet earlier (yesterday) and the "Bitch Certificate" later (yesterday).
Yeah, the whole reason Im posting right now is because Josh has been bugging me to ask Tina out. Going by her quote once, "Even if you told me that we were made for eachother and you wanted me to have your baby, i still would hang out with you as much as I can"
It couldnt hurt to ask her out. Ill find the right time and place somewhere, but theres no rush. It'll come soon, my chance. I need to get back into who I wanted to be, im so close now it isnt even funny.
Ive changed much since I started this blog, and ill review it May 15th. Till then, everything is well.
And all is good.
Thursday, May 08, 2003 :::
Today, it should have been good.
Nothing bad really happened, no depressing news, actually, Tina sat next to me on the bus and we chatted, like we always do.
The morning was cool. Anime club, it was cool too. We even went to TCBY afterwords, me, Jenn, Kai, Tina, and Ku, and me and Tina even shared uhh... whatever it was. They even NOTICED my fat dissappearing! (Shrinkage in my man-boobs, mainly)
But, something just feels down. Something depressing... Im trying to figure it out.
I guess, it makes sence. Robert and Kai are both cool... but I guess im just too jelous of them when they're together. Everything I see them do, I immediately want to run up to Tina and do it on her. But, at the same time, I dont want to.
Also, ive been having weird day dreams. They wont stop either. I drift off, in the middle of everything. Class, at home, even with friends. And the scene my mind starts playing out...
It starts by remembering Tina saying i could probibly fit into a large shirt, which she said yesterday. Well, at her party, tomarrow, in my daydream, she takes me to her room, to do that I suppose, and we start "making out", the same thing Kai and Rob did.
But... every time, it starts slightly differently. I want them to stop, these fantasies. The more I think about them, the more I want them to come true.
And If I want something like that, ill be depressed if i dont get it. So, i have to stop wanting it.
But what if I get it? I wont be depressed. This, is what I feel. This is also what I have to get rid of.
So, now, I am doing what I have to do. I cannot be depressed.
But, why does hiding my depression seem so familiar? Im never depressed, ever, when I talk to Tina, only when we stop talking. Why does this feeling feel so familiar?
Anime Club, TCBY was cool. But, why do I want something so silly, so badly? For now, all is well.
And all is good.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003 :::
Well, i went over to Tina's today. We did what we always do when I go over, play DDR!
Well, okay, thats not all. But, the rest was better. We talked, espically after Marin and Kai left.
She pointed several facts out to me, namely how big my shirts were getting on me, and how my stumach is shrinking.
The most positive thing I'd have to say, is that she called me her best friend.
Its been working up to that, and thats just cool that it is finally true. I also mentioned:
"I'm probibly going to live here over the summer. Well, probibly not sleep here, but spend the majority of my time here." To this, she agreed.
She has yet to break it to her parents about going to the orchestra banquet. She decided, without my help, to try not mention me, but instead mention Jennifer. Well, she'll be going too, at the very least, by my orders, to make Tina feel less uncomfortable. Well, she wouldnt feel uncomfortable to begin with, she says, so i guess maybe its more of a cushion for me, so that I feel less uncomfortable. Kinda the reverse of what its supposed to be, right? Well, if we must go further, I guess it has more to do with the fact I dont want to make a wrong move. Or, on that subject, "make a move" at all.
Im not placing too much more weight in "the plan" anymore. If Kai insists on setting me up with someone, ill let her, but im not going to actively seek anyone new. I mean, if Tina is this nice to me in reality, im kinda wondering why all the people are saying what they are?
"Tina would never go out with you", actually, thats very old news. The only person she wouldnt go out with is the depressed me. She likes the giddy me, the enjoyable me.
"Tina isnt ready for a relationship yet", well, I dont think Kai knows Tina as well as she thinks. Its just that no good candidates have popped up, not that she isnt ready. Or, well, sure, not in the sense that I'm ready (and been waiting for four years now), she would go out with someone, just no one good has appeared yet.
It isnt my goal anymore to become her boyfriend. Nope. It only was to begin with, because I wanted to get closer to her. Im already close enough now, she comes to me about all her problems (obviously omitting some of the ones i cant help with, like studying for a test), including problems with me; we go almost everywhere together; we hang out alot. I'm her best friend, and she mine.
Or so I see it. Its better that way.
And all is good.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003 :::
Well, I was at Kai's house, and we talked. Alot.
She asked me of her and Robert. I vowed not to tell what Tina said, but i said what I truely felt. Jelousy.
So, she started, "I could hook you up with one of my freshman friends". She continued to describe this one girl, and honestly, she didnt sound that bad.
Sometime while i was chatting with someone on her comp, she randomly blurted out
"Tina isnt ready for a relationship yet."
So, my next words, were, of course,
"So what was that about the girl you mentioned earlier?"
"I'll try to bring her to Anime Club thursday"
Its a done deal.
And all is good.
Im at Kai's house, so ill make this post quick. Just wanna share a quote.
I brought up Monica in a chat for just one sentence, then this popped out of Tina's mouth:
"You really need to think of someone else...
Like me"
I had trouble falling asleep, as i usually do when im happy =)
And all is good.
Monday, May 05, 2003 :::
I was at Chorpus Christi all weekend. It was fun, that it was.
But there was a weird fear in the back of my mind.
It was something along the lines of Kai and Robert doing somethinmg, together. The new bitch//bitchmaster combo.
Kai's always made me a bit jelous, but I never minded it. But now, thats too much.
To quote Tina on this one:
Realirata: one chase came to take them all home, kai and robert go the back seat
Realirata: and can you believe it?
Realirata: kai made the first move and they started making out!
Realirata: yeah
Realirata: mouth to mouth, man!
Realirata: it's not just ANY making out!
Realirata: it's the real thing!
That means, they werent even as close as Tina and I are, a week ago. Now, this....
Its good enough reason for sleep. Ive been trying to ward off this melancholy, at least till Tina's birthday is done. Now, its not what she did wrong.
Its what everyone else did right.
Thursday, May 01, 2003 :::
Josh said a little too much earlier.
"Tina said she wouldnt go out with you, even if you asked her directly. (...)
If you like her, why dont you just tell her?"
Ive been dissapearing suddenly this week, to test peoples reactions. I got the unexpected result, no one really cared where I went. Its depressing to think of that, but it is true. It shows how many care about me.
I wanted to hurt Josh bad when he said that last line, because what triggered her to say all that WAS me telling her I like her.
Im going to find a way tomarrow, to tell her I know that now. And then, I head to Chorpus at the end of the day.
Im not going to meet up with my friends after school if I get the choice. I dont want to face them anymore.
I was the one what was supposed to be changing, but instead, Tina did. She said she wouldnt do the same thing the other girls that turned me down did. She probibly should have, its less painful that way.
I even had friends over. I normally lie about crying, all I do is feel like i should cry. Today, I actually did cry. Its never happened like this before...
I dont think I'll ever get my wish. That makes me even more depressed.
Watch it tho, things like this have a funny way of clearing up. When it does,
And all is good.
