well... ive done it again.
I probibly shouldnt have, but my life was just too unbearable. I had to tell Tina the truth;
I like her.
Well, okay, we already know that. It normally doesnt bother me when im home, only right before and after I see her.
However, she logged on. Then, my mind started racing.
"Should I tell her? Tell her the truth, like ive done so many times before? No, no, it will make me seem desperate. No, thats not the word..."
And as my brain kept racing on what to say, another part of me took over my hands. The words they wrote... sucked. But they got the point across.
My brain kept calling me an ignorant dumbass, but the reasoning side had some good things to say. I found out... well, the thing i posted on before doesnt bother her. At all.
"Even if you told me you thought we were made for eachother and you wanted me to carry your baby, i would still come over when I can", she replied after I proclaimed that every time i go home alone, im sad. Also, ill need a second and third house to live at this summer, hers just might be one of them. I hate being home alone. However, now that she knows all this, which is way too much, i wonder if getting my smaller wishes is out of the question? I dont mind, no actually, i like to walk her home, and come in, if its possible. Also, I still have my big wish, but that I cannot even reveal to myself. No matter how petty just getting a hug from her is, its still the one wish ive had.
But i was correct, she does care for me. But, not in the same way. She just wants to see me out, kind of like a mother, i guess.
The garble of words that probibly make no sense above does remind me of another part of my life. Funny how it ties in, too.
Ive already posted trhis, near the end of the school year last year. May something or the other.
In my bed at night, i wondered what kept me going. What did I go to school to do every day?
I wanted to talk to Lindsey. Every day, first period, i sat behind her, and I'd talk to her. It wasnt until summer school that I finally realized what was going on, the guy behind me, Dustin, said,
"You really like Lindsey, don't you?"
Add that to my inferiority complex back then, i was one messed up guy. I really wanted to see Katherine, more than ever. I wanted more out of my granted wish, at the end of the last eighth grade dance. I wanted to talk with Lindsey some more. But, i could not apporach any of them. What would they think?
"Hey Todd! What's up?" Katherine yelled to me, the end of the first day of the second semester of summer school. I saw her again, the second day.
I went to church with Lindsey, but it all ended after only a month.
My life was just full of failed prosperity then. I liked it tho, if i could pick any time to live over again, it would be that.
Not because of what happened, but it was how I felt. Everything was so white, so clear, so pure. There was no corruption, no darkness, nothing. It was the best time of my life, even if nothing was going my way.
Everything turned dark and black begning the first day of this year. Katherine was a prime example, with the clothes she started wearing.
But now, its begning to become light once more. Everything just seems cooler, calmer, more under control. Ive learned to live on chance, to live by my emotions. I musta done it once before, but never to this extent.
To me, this is still awkword, but not unusual. She's not the first girl ive confessed ive liked, however, she is the first that hasnt turned me down. She just didnt say yes.
And thats all i need. Everything is white and pure again. I dont know why. Why are things the way they used to be, if nothing is the same? No longer do i stare at cleavage, let alone with dirty thoughts. No longer do i imagine the secret rooms between classrooms where people can 'get it on' in private. I see faces now, not breasts.
Those were all little perverted fantasies I had. No longer, as Tina poited out, "That is good. It means you are changing". No longer do I have an inferiority complex. No longer, am i restrained. But, then, why does everything seem so white, pure, clean?
It doesnt matter, this is the way I like it. And, if anyone cares, that is also the reason I prefer lighter colored shirts now.
Confessions toward Tina, remenissions about Lindsey, perceptions on the world.
Oh yeah, and Tina has this blog address. I gave it to her after realizing i was pretty much retelling the whole story. Not to mention, i will review the past year. Well, what little i have left to reminise about. This time, in more chronological order.
And all is good.
Thursday, April 24, 2003 :::
This ties in with the other post.
I may be pre-emptivating this (word?), but Im not quite sure Tina knows how to feel about me.
I didnt tell her flat out to make an annoucment to the club i wasnt gonna be there today, no, i only barely hinted it. She did tho, make a complete formal announcement of why I wasnt there.
Means she cares.
Whoope-de-do-da-day, right?
Well... Add the two together. She kept complimenting me the day before.
Also, take into notice something I didnt mention. When I was playing DDR at her house, I wasnt supposed to be there. Her parents were gone, we encountered them as I walked her home. They specifically told her (in chinese) not to let me in. Well, she knows me, and let me in anyway. She subtly hinted i should leave, for if i was cought, she'd be in big shit. Well, i continued playing for three songs. Same subtle hint, i think even she didnt want to say it. One more song, and then she decided it was for the better I left. She walked me to the end of the street, and along the way pointed this very fact out, "Yeah, i said to leave a couple of times, but I guess i didnt really mind".
One might interpret that as she wanted me over.
Ive been a little mean to her, but not perpously.
And, i proclaimed that I didnt know who I liked anymore to her. Well, add all these together. It is less likely that a girl will begin to like you if you like her; she's won the prize, why does she need to work?
Well, now, I made her believe ive slipped. Well, i guess maybe she's trying to "win" me back. I dont know... i may be a little too soon on this, but its getting more and more prevailant.
However, I cant do it until she realizes she likes me herself. Or, i have to wait until its true.
"Yeah, you should come over alot during the summer, you can practice doubles here". She flat out invited me over.
I... dont know. Maybe im taking heavy, facts that are light. But still, this is the good part of last nights reasoning.
Now all I gotta do is sit back. Even though telling her i like her, truely, would be a bad action now, my heart wants to so bad. It aches as I write this. I cant keep my concentration straight during english or biology anymore. Now even geometry. I hope Ku doesnt notice me wondering off.
I guess that pie is filling faster than I thought it would. And all I had to do was let someone else do it for me. That sounds wrong, but it is truely right. This is the exact thought that keeps my day bright instead of dim. Even if it isnt true, its best if i just believe it. This is why life is well.
And all is good.
I feel so bad!
Yesterday, I hung out with Tina. We were at my house, then we migrated to hers. Basically, the whole time, she was trying to compliment me, "Your stumach sure is shrinking", "You're eyebrows look pretty cool, actually." They were all on topic, but to the first one, in return, all I could do was just poke her (shes not the skinniest person on earth either), and to the second one, all I did was laugh. Im so mean and shallow when it really counts...
Im sorry.
But, today, we went to UIL in orchestra. We got all 1's, the highest possible! WOOHOO!!!!
Im gonna have-ta brag about this ;)
And all is good.
Monday, April 21, 2003 :::
Well well, the weekend was interesting
I hung out with robert almost the whole time, we did a ton of stuff. Went to two movies, several ppls houses, played alot of DDR, it was all fun!
I might have said this before, but I do believe im running out of stuff to be depressed about. Ever since that whole Akina thing, i guess i feel like im not trapped anymore. Ive just stopped being so desperate. Im content being Tina's bitch. Hell, Robert is Kai's bitch now. I think life is working out the way I want it to. Or am I just wanting life the way it is now?
Anyway, its just been a couple of guys since about friday doin stuff. Today, finally, Kai and Tina went with us. It was me, Kai, Tina, Robert, Ku. We all met up at Kai's house, then Tina wnet back home to do some HW. Rob and Ku streaked for Kai, (or rather just kept dropping their pants in front of the park), and then we went and got Tina. We all headed out for the mexican restaurant.
On the way there, Tina pointed something out to me. My only mistake all weekend (cept the A-Cup thing, but that was actually quite funny), it was made here. Kai started holding Rob by their arms. I thought Tina was suggesting the same, but i didnt try it (all i did was lay my arm to the side of me). I should have grabbed her arm, i wanted too so badly! We got to the restaurant, and me//Tina split a meal (I got my wish!!!). Rob and Ku split another, Kai got her own.
On the same subject, It was michelle who noticed this. I wanted to sit down at Ku's house, and I had to sit rather close to Holly. When Robert got up... I didnt move. Me and her were scrunched on one side of the couch. I dont quite think she minded it that much either, which is the weird part.
Several times, i have been asked whom I like. Matt insists (insisted) it might have been Kai. I know for a fact, that would be a big mistake. Which is why i dont want to be indifferent, because if i am to the game, then I will begin to like the girl closest to me, and it will hit hard. That girl, would be Kai. >.<
In the meantime, its best if I just go about liking Tina. The rules for me changed when she joined the group. I fell that I was closer to her- after all, when i was on herb's comp chatting, she was leaning in pretty close shamelessly to me.
Looking back in my logs, i see I made a big mistake. Katherine, she might have liked someone else at the time, however:
"Nitch: Oh, you're still my friend =^.^= a good one at that
Nitch: to let you know
WinToilet: thanks =)
Nitch: you're onna the few who actually don't act like I havva disease. I'm the weird "Goth kid"
Nitch: welp, bye bye ::pat pat::"
I never noticed it until today, when I was trying to find Tina's B-day (may 6th) in my logs and stumbled across it. I was actually... someone she considered close...
I see it now. Thats why she treats me the way she does now, Katherine. Its because, alot of ppl treat her like shes desiesed, and Im open. However, I cannot fully be friends, again, with her, until we are both comfortable with the past. Ill have to bring it up, and act casually. If I do that, I will have no more important past.
Just life. A girl thats close to me. Eating with a girl. Tina. Scrunched up with a girl. Holly. Confusion about whom I like, and fun easter break. Life wont get much better unless I start actively seeking what I want, holding arms and mushy-mushy. The problem isnt anyone else, its me. But, thats okay, for now, life is well as ever.
And all is good.
Sunday, April 20, 2003 :::
Realirata: you okay?
Wintoilet: ROFL it was hillarious
Realirata: are you not mentally scarred for life?
When watching Malibu's Most Wanted (FUNNY ASS PARODY OF 8 MILE), A thought ran through my mind.
"Does anyone really like me?"
I mean, of course people like me. I wouldnt have friends otherwise. It wasnt clear, so i clairified it.
"Does anyone really care for me?"
I wonder if there is some girl out there that does care for me. Someone who likes me, for being me. There isnt that much else to like me for.
But, i dont know who I like anymore. I liked Tina, then I drifted off into liking Akina, then i snapped out of it. But where am I now?
Im not sure if I like Tina, but i know i dont dislike her. But, im not sure if shes a good friend, or if I want more out of it...
What pisses me off is she will never return the feelings i had for her. And yet, shes the only one who truely cares about me.
But I definately know this. I cannot be indifferent toward the game for too long. It will come back to me, in a sudden bang, and I wont be able to get the person I like out of my head.
Earlier, I told Matt what I was doing. "Playing chrono cross, chatting, and helping Kai with her computer problem (which is ironic because she knows more about the stuff than me)"
Instantly, a thought popped in his head and he kept rambling on about it. "Dude, think about it. Why would she ask you for help if she knows more than you? SHE LIKES YOU"
I tried my best to get him to get rid of the silly idea, so i played dumb and every time he got closer to outright saying the above i acted stupider and stupider. I didnt want him to say it, because I already know for a fact she doesnt like me, and chances are against the fact that she ever will.
Even after he stated it, he kept bugging me about it. I pushed it off until twenty minutes after he stopped. I couldnt get the damn idea out of my head!!!
So, I didnt ask a question, but rather called Matt and idiot for thinking that Kai could possibly like me. To Kai. And, her response was,
"I like will. You asked, but dont tell anyone, k?"
Of course, i'm not one to blackmail, so I agreed. However, I cant be a pacifist anymore. Its cool and all sharing your secrets to someone who you know wont ruin you life, but isnt it even cooler when that person acts on it and instead gives you what you didnt know you wanted?
To put it into simpler terms, she likes Will, and told me not to tell anyone. I wont tell anyone, but I cant just let this sit and pass me by when I can actually help her. I can help her get the guy she likes. Even if I cant do that much, its worth a shot. Ill try, singly, to set them up. After all, Kai is pretty hot X_X
This makes it complete, my relaion with the Wu family. Now, i have to help set Herb up with the girl he likes, Courtney (even if i dont get completely straight vibes from her, i know she'll swing that way), and I have to help Kai and Will. But at the same time, i have desires that I want filled.
I dont quite know about myself. I guess, until another comes along, Tina is the one I like. Even if its not as strong as before, I mustn't be indifferent toward the game. At least she knows it, and actually cares about me. Even if she'll never return what I want, she's given me enough.
To complete last post, Courtney, Lauren, and their friend Katie all joined the club. We went to Ku's house, all of us, on thursday. They all left about five, but for most of us, dispite the continuous dropping out, the nonstop party has ended just now. Make sense of that!
And it seems I now have no past. Stories, I do have, but nothing in the past affects me now. Its completely dissapeared. Katherine's 'hatred', Kai's fear, are all gone. That completes getting rid of my past.
No past, new friends, Kai and Will, Herb and Courtney, Myself and Tina, who cares about me? It all sounds depressing, but in the end, its better than the rest.
And all is good.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003 :::
Being alone in this world is depressing, that it is.
However, I have learned at least one very important lesson throught these times.
The summer between seventh and eighth grade, I was a complete gamer. I did nothing but play games all summer, with the exception of a one week camp at A&M. Nothing but games. Coincidently, when i got back to school, my very first thought was:
"Oh yeah, that's right, there's girls here!"
All at A&M, it was depressing. When i first got there, i met my roommate, then he helped me settle out and meet some people. The first ting we did was we all went and got some burritos at freebirds. There, my korean roommate and I were joined by some farm-living girl. Her full name, it was Jennifer Abendroth. The whole week I got more and more obsessed, and did nothing but want to stay in her vicintry. Not even talk with her, just be somewhere near her.
At the end of camp, the dance, she was still the only female I got to know. I was mad about her, my Korean Roommate realized this. He subtly tried to help, as I witnessed Jennifer dance with every single guy and girl. My roommate and I learned the Drunk-man dance, and we had a general good time. But mixed in, I was depressed, as my only goal was to dance with Jennifer. Some girls even wanted to dance with me and my roommate, he almost pushed me out of my seat, but i refused blatently. To this day, I still do the drunk-man dance, it was the only kind I learned.
I never got that wish, but I do realize now it was my own fault for not doing anything about it. It was the same up until the eighth grade dance, when I danced with the only other girl I got to know real well throught the years, Katherine. There was an entry about that a while back, im sure, so i wont go into detail about that.
Why am I being so nostalgic? Today, I talked with Katherine. Not really a conversation, we hang out all the time before second period (Tina is our bind), but never really talk to eachother. Sometimes we might make a comment, and always stand opposite, but we never talk to eachother. Same to it after school.
Today, in fourth period, I went to throw my stuff away, and the trash can is near the door. Katherine is standing there ready to go, a full 5 minutes early, right at the door. I asked her why, we laughed about it, i went back to my seat. I thought nothing of it until now, but doesnt that mean that she doesnt think of me as she once did? Its impossible to say what she thinks of me now, but its not someone who will cause her harm. She may have realized that now Im much different than before, or she may have realized that now Im much less of a pervert, or much more socialable, or not prone to "stalk" anyone any more, or that im less depressed, the list goes on.
All this nostalgia does have a point, that it does. There is one thing ive learned through all this, a life lesson that will definately help me to the end, something I had to learn.
Now, not before, but now, Ive learned how to treat a girl as a friend the same way a guy would be a friend.
Before, I always thought of them as a different gender, and shouldnt be socialized with unless you wanted to get with them. Thats why I was like i was before. But now i realize, how few female friends I have in comparison to male friends. I have thousands of times more female friends than i did before, but If im ever gonna do stuff with them like I do with guys, ill need to get to know more (as one girl alone feels very insecure around guys).
This is where tomarrow comes in. Courtney, whom ive mentioned before, will be at the anime club meeting. I told her to bring a friend or two, and whether or not she does is up to her, but thats at least one more female.
The whole goal of it was to get to know Courtney. Thats the goal. Why, though? Because it was Kai's idea to get Courtney and Herbert together (Herb is Kai's brother, both of them good friends of mine). I dont know how Kai got a hold of it, but once Thai said "You need to get buff for Courtney" to Herb while we were all working out at Thai's house. As a joke, later he asked "Now what's going through your mind?" I was honest, and asked Herbert, "Thai mentioned Courtney before... do you actually like her?"
"I guess" he said, it was dropped. Knowing people, if people like someone, people can be shy about it. That is shy, no?
Any event, they'd make a good couple. So, thats it. I want to use my newfound skill of being a girl's friend, Courtney, to hook Herb up with her. And first step is to get to know her, and for her to become in my friend-group. And to do that, we invite her to the Anime club. Shes a big anime fan herself.
And some more development. I dont know if my inflatuation with Tina is as strong as it once was, but If asked who I like, the answer would still be the same.
Hook Herb up with Courtney, reminicance about Katherine and Jennifer, and new found skills. Life keeps getting better and better.
And all is good.
Monday, April 14, 2003 :::
Unless forced, she wont make a choice on her own.
How can I possibly get what I want now?
Change of character,
And all is good.
Saturday, April 12, 2003 :::
"What was that for?"
"You were being a bitch".
I wasnt expecting it, but I was very Melancholy yesterday after school. I guess i got pissed or something, and I was not desireable. That wasnt the first time something like that happened.
The day before, we watched Noir at anime club. I didnt want to watch it, and soon after they turned it on it reminded me why. It made me very depressed watching something like that. So, I put my head down and tried to fall asleep. Right at the brink, BAM. Backpack falls on my head.
I already know Ku did it, I flinched and moved my head a bit, then just tried to go back to sleep. The backpack was light, and didnt hurt at all. It woke me up, but i figured i could still get some rest in. Then, i hear "Should I drop this on him?" "Nah, use Alex's backpack, it must weigh like 60 pounds!" and a I heard a noise, like someone throwing something, dropping something, or of the sort. 'ALEX's BACKPACK?! WTF, NO WAY!!!! THAT WILL KILL ME!!!" Went through my head, and I didnt even get a look of my surroundings i was in such a panic. I jumped up and in a panic, grabbed the nearest person (Ku) and tried to strangle him to death, to try and prevent this.
I musta confused everyone outta their minds,because as Ku put it "I thought you went psycho". What happened really, was a misunderstanding. I thought Ku suggested Alex's backpack, but it was not so.
Instead, what happened after the backpack fell to the ground, was Ku picked up Kai's boot on thr ground, dangled it over me. He said "Should I drop this on him? Nah", then put it down where he got it. Right as he said Nah, another kid across the room, as a joke, suggested using alex's backpack. Thats when I got up.
He thought I went psycho because of the boot. That was not the case, no. Instead, i didnt even realize there was a boot. I thought he already had another backpack, a heavier one, like his.
After I found out about this minsunderstanding, i didnt want to talk about it anymore. I totally forgot about the panic I felt, and thought I went psycho. So I just wanted him to shut up about it, maybe it will go away.
The rest of that day, and friday, it wouldnt go away. I was about to kill Ku again, but my words musta become more harsh again, because when we were out near blockbuster (the group now was Me, Ku, Tina, Josh), Tina pointed out how bitchy I was being. I didnt notice, but after that I tried to explain why it might have been. I couldnt get the right words out, and in frustration, I just took off. I didnt even look back to see if anyone was following me. I took a walk around blockbuster, and then back around it, ending up at my starting point.
They switched topics while I was gone, and when I got back, they resumed what happened on thursday. I didnt say one word, and just let them go on. Even when they asked, I didnt answer anything, and just kept pushing the car in front of me with my foot.
At Mountasia, when we finally got there, I told Ku that he shouldnt bluff. "Bluffing" is what I call playing a difficulty up and not being able to pass it. "But ive done eight foot songs before!" I told him, "It doesnt matter, dont try it if you cant do it, even if you have done it before."
He did it anyway. "Can you do it?" Getting ready to be mad or surprised at ku, I said "can YOU do it?!". He failed before I did, and i failed not too long after him. First song. I got pissed at him, and bonked him on the head (it wasnt too hard). "Damnit, ku!"
"FUCKING FINE" and he stomped off. I didnt realize he was that pissed, as I just got my melancholy out. Well, I pumped more money into the machine, and said to Tina, "You wanna play?"
"Sure, but i dont got any tokens yet"
"Ill pay for you." After i said that, I bent over to finish putting her share in. I got back up, pointed to the pad, and said "Get on". She walked off, to the change machine. So i said "Geez, fine" and just pushed the right start. I passed a song, Tina got back. "I put your money in, why'd you run off?"
After the confusion settled, I finished off my credit, then Tina hopped on and i used the second one, and she put some money in and played with me. I failed her on the first song, Challenge only Sexy Planet (from NONSTOP MIX) (I B'd it). The next two were 7/6 foot standards, and 3/4 foot lights (she played on light, me on standard).
I was cooled down, and Ku came back. We played two rounds, the first one we accidently selected Nonstop mode and failed right at the end of the fourth song. The second one, we started out with Sexy Planet, and failed. I didnt get pissed this time, he musta said something, but I didnt. I wore out my melancholy. "Oh well".
We played some more DDR, and then we went to Chases house. At Chase's house, we had snocones, talked alot, read a script, saw miscellanious stuff around his house, and watched Jackass.
At 10, Jennifer and Tina left. More dissapeared later, and I met a new friend, Katie. Well, ive known her from way back, "You're that orchestra kid, aren't you?" She remembers me as.
But none of that is really important. After i got home, i remembered my conduct. I vowed not to speak unless spoken too.
But now, I realize how wrong that would be. "I want to be worth enough to attract the attention of others", Shinjari Ikari says from Evangalion. That, to me, says that unless you display a personality, no one will ever know who you are or what to like in you, so they dont like you at all. No, they CANT like you at all. If you dont like yourself, then who can possibly like you?
I see now. All I have to do, is not be more silent, but just change my ways. "Just be yourself, the rest will come naturally". I never knew being myself could be so hard, but I know i am not myself yet. I still have a ways to go before I am truely, "myself". Maybe then, someone will like me. After all, the only reason I like other people, is for being themselves. Im sure it isnt any different for me.
After all, Tina was kind enough to realize it and point it out to me directly that I was being "bitchy". Although she is "Materialistic and would never go out with a freshman", the only real excuse she has in my eyes is, "If i go out with one of you, the other would be jelous".
Now that I realize it, I can change it. that makes it well.
Oh, and by the way, I invited Tina to go with me to the Orchestra Banquet. She said yes, but under one condition. We go as friends, nothing more. It was agreed.
And all is good.
Sunday, April 06, 2003 :::
(yet another reminder that EVERY AIM name posted other than Wintoilet has been modified)
Before, what I said about Thai was all guess and speculation.
But now, I know it for sure. Yet another post that does not concern my life at all.
This is what would happen if a philosopher got giddy.
First, we got on the subject of something bothering him. I asked what the something was, he replied "a girl". This is right after that.
Koala: i never name names though
WinToilet: ah your fatal flaw =)
WinToilet: Or is it the opposite?
Koala: i dunno
Koala: i never tried it the other way
WinToilet: That is something you must find out for yourself, is not naming names really helping you? =)
Koala: yeah
Koala: im sure u know who the girl is
Koala: u know more than i thought at first
WinToilet: Ah for over a year and a half id never name a name, and i was depressed. Yet, when i started revealing, I started being happier. Of course thats not all that changed, so the two may be unlinked.
But try to prove me wrong, who be it?
WinToilet: ROFL i bet I already know =)
[ed: at this point i went to get some food]
Koala: u do dont you
Koala: ?
Koala: well u know
Koala: thats that
Koala: i g2g
[ed: i returned]
WinToilet: oh gimme a shot first
Koala: ok
WinToilet: I always see you with Tammy, and herb's mentioned her once; is it her?
Koala: how often do u see me with her?
Koala: yeah ur right
WinToilet: just about as often as I see you, after lunch normally
Koala: ic
So, I was right. The girl he likes is Tammy. I do feel pity for the guy, so now I think i'll dig in a bit deeper and ask him more, as in how much hes said and what she thinks of him.
Yes, i do find helping others rather intruiging. Yes yes!!
And all is good.
Change is happening. I know it is, but I cannot feel it.
Ive kept it a secret, but all last week I wanted Akina's AIM name badly. It was bugging me to hell!
I couldnt take it anymore, so thursday night (since ive chickened out the two days before), I asked Thai what Akina's AIM name was. I figured he would have it. He did, and after about two tires and a long conversation i got it outa him.
She got on sparatically throught the days, and i missed her every time. Finally, saturday night, she got on and I got a hold of her. I wouldnt release who I was until she asked straight out, "who are you?". Didnt take her too long.
We talked about what we did that day, and the conversation wasnt very long. She went to the Drama show.
QTPieisAi: i went to see the drama competition...!
QTPieisAi: and klein is going to all state!!!!
QTPieisAi: woo hoo!!!
WinToilet: ROFL
WinToilet: Drama competition? I wasnt aware of one... :-/
QTPieisAi: o no.. only ppl in drama really are..
QTPieisAi: i went to go see my special some1:-[
QTPieisAi: :-)
WinToilet: Oh?
QTPieisAi: yea..
WinToilet: "special some1"? I was not aware of this either =)
QTPieisAi: hehe hey i g2g moms yelling.. again..
QTPieisAi: lol
WinToilet: :-/
QTPieisAi: yea ill see ya later
QTPieisAi: bye
That was the end of it. "Special Some1"... Im going to have to ask her about this. This was the girl I was planning on liking next, or so it seemed.
We've had plenty of talks about this, and although Tina's never flat out said "I'm not going to go out with YOU", she has implied "I dont think i'll date till college" and stuff of the sort, for the past few weeks, very sparatically.
I've talked with Thai a couple of times recently. I havent asked him many personal questions, and he hasnt answered any the way i would have liked, but i could tell enough. His profile, currently, explains how the latin competition went in three sentences. Then theres about two paragraphs of lovy-dovy that ends with "Until then, I hope you'll wait for me.If I don't need you, then why I am crying on my bed?
If I don't need you, then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me, then why does this distance maim my life?". Its obvious to me. I see him waiting for Tammy, every day. He talks with her tons too. I dont know if i've mentioned her before, but she was in my ensemble both times (she wass best violinist in my class, im best cellist in my class). She's very indifferent towards me, hell, if i had a big gash across my face and we were stuck in room alone together the last thing she'd do is ask what happened. Sometimes i get the impression she hates me and only tolerates me out of self-respect or the sort.
Thai and Tammy are both Vietnamese, Buddist, and short. They dont live too close to eachother though, but If i heard they've been to eachothers houses, i wouldnt be surprised. They'd make a good couple, however,
Thai is a fruit. Hes a freaking fruit! I cant believe thats how hes like when he's with his friends. That would have been the next group of friends I would have slipped into also, if worse came to worse. But, if everyone acts anything like that, Im not quite sure. It would be like revisiting a bad fantasy from my past, and I dont want to have anything to do with my former self.
Sometimes I look back at my old logs with katherine and cant help but want to go into the past and kill my old self. SUCH AN IGNORANT DUMBASS!!!
Tina feels indifferent toward liking anyone like that. I, however, want to 'like' someone my whole life, even if its a different person every three months, I never want to feel indifferent on the subject. However, Akina already has a "special some1". Im wondering if shes just stalking this kid, if its one-sided, or if its both sided, and I also want to know if shes ignorant about stuff like that. Who it is doesnt matter much to me. But, knowing all this, I will be able to know what I need to do.
I never want to feel indifferent, and right now my 'next' is Akina. However, if shes already set on someone else, I dont want to be hurt by two differnet people. If she's set on someone else, id rather just be hurt by Tina talking about how indifferent she is than be hurt by Akina's love for someone else.
I dont know. Im on a plank right now, and i can only fall left or right. I may go insane, but it doesnt matter. I'm really confused right now, but it doesnt matter. I dont know how much longer I can last, but it doesnt matter. As for now, Ive got good friends, well okay at least i've got a good Tina. After all; 'they' know me as "Tina's Bitch"
And all is good.
Thursday, April 03, 2003 :::
Damnit, i wrote it then accidently erased it! Okay...
I think this blog helps my Echolalia.
This morning before school, I made the resolution "Tina is only a friend. My best friend, but still, only a friend, nothing more."
After I explained how right she was calling me autistic,
"Does that repeat in your head?" I think Tina is mocking me, but I cant be quite sure. If anything, its definately playful.
For some reason, I cant shake the feeling that Tina likes Ku more than me... that hurts.
I could go on about my day, but for some reason I feel that it is not important. We hung out for a long time after school, went to moutasia, me, Ku, and Tina squished in the back. It just doesnt seem important.
Rather, I have figured out a chain.
Does anyone remember the day I saw katherine's boyfriend? I felt like it was the end of the world, that there was nothing left in life for me. Then, sixth period, Monica did what she always does, cares. She didnt know what happened, but she laughed with me, with me. It made me feel like god sent an angel down. Even now, we're cool together. Because we both care.
But, then, I told her i liked her, fearing rejection. She took it, but was very naive and didnt respond. I thought, it took me a while, but I thought she didnt like me back, you know, 'no one likes me'.
"I'm stalking you!" The first thing Tina said to me, yet again, we talked, and it seems that she mirrored my experience with Monica, with her and Jordan. I guess, god has spared mercy on me, this must be my destiny. Or, something of that sort, its probibly something more to do with my personality, just practicly screaming "HELP ME!" sub-consiously or something, i dont know. I believe in the former.
Hmm, it seems ive been kinda spacing out just writing this. Nothings really bothering me now, thanks yet again to my blog. All is well.
And all is good.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003 :::
I've been running from it all along.
This morning, Tina figured something out about me. "You're Kinda Autistic", not leaving any room for my opinion. Well, I looked it up in my next class, english.
It means: a mental disorder originating in infancy that is characterized by self-absorption, inability to interact socially, repetitive behavior, and language dysfunction (as echolalia).
It pretty much implies shy, also. Its all true; last night me and Tina were talking about how I really am an attention freak. I demand it, but I'm also shy, AKA an inability to interact socially. Sometimes I repeat myself, once i counted fourteen times, until i'm heard. And just for the hell of it, i looked up echololia, thinking "Nah im not THAT disorderly"
Well, it means: he often pathological repetition of what is said by other people as if echoing them.
WHAT THE FUCK? She hit the nail straight on the head, that is me exactly. Once, my old friend Michael mentioned to me in Summer school, "You have an Inferiority Complex". That applied at the time, but I've changed. Im not like that anymore, ive overcome it.
But, I'm still shy. And i definately have echolalia. I thought everyone was like that, but I guess not.
I've always been afraid of what would happen. Im being myself now, and its gotten me this far. However, It didnt help me throught the day. I felt that I was depressed over this fact, that she insulted me. Is this her way of telling me to "fuck off?".
But no, just now I realize it. I've become her best friend. Even last night, she pointed out to me, "You're the one I talk to the most", and now that I think about it, she doesnt have all that many true friends. Since she dislikes Kai, i've become her best friend.
Now, I see Ku more than I see her, but she doesnt get out as much as me (at home), and doesnt have that many good friends (at school), but i have to agree that i do spend a large amount of time with her.
As for the echolalia, "Stop that!" When I do the hair-rub thing with her. I do it to everyone; it appears to Ku however, that its only to her, so he copied me. And whenever Ku does it, she retaliates, but with me, just kinda accepts it. I think her hair was in a ponytail when she told me to stop. But, its the only thing I can do to keep being me. "Just dont be extra nice to me, treat me normally" is what she said to me when she found out I "had a crush on her" (not my words, but applicable). If i stop that, I'd be nothing but nice to her...
I guess i need to begin laughing at her more, as i did before. Ive stopped that so much recently... I think my depression is returning.
I've never had a girlfriend. One of those could do me good. I think Tina needs to help me find one... since she obviously isnt up to the job.
I think shes just hiding her feelings. She was just like me before, me-monica and her-jordan, but its never happened like that to her before. She was hurt, exactly like me. She recovered, exactly like me. She's friends with him now, in the same exact way me and monica are friends. However, she locked herself out, afraid of being hurt again. Shes not gonna play this game anymore... And I cant figure out why. Even i'm letting myself back in for another go. I think i'll mention that to her tomarrow. Ask her who she likes... if its anyone, ill drop it there.
How could someone i've known for three and a half months figure something SO IMPORTANT about me out before people that have known me for years could. Autism. Echolalia. These, describe me in a nutshell.
DAMNIT! This is getting screwy, not only that, but Tina is talking more and more casually around me, about how, well, okay thats a little personal. I know so much about her, why arent I repulsed?
Must return to my old self, laugh more. Must become my old self, the person i was for three months there. No, wait, no. Just be yourself, it will all work out in the end. Dont pretend to be something you're not, cruel. I cant be cruel. And that's what I've been running from, myself. Be true to oneself, and the rest falls in place.
All I need to learn is to be happy more and depressed less. Those emotions are contagious. Just remember, be happy.
It may not seem like it, but I've made a new good friend, even if she cant speak positively about anyone (its not just me). Its all because of my echolalia, repeating everything negitive makes it seem like she hates me, when in fact shes just trying to help. Now that i think about it, forget asking her tomarrow, ive got this all worked out in my head now. It doesnt matter anymore, it all turns out well.
And all is good.
