Friday, February 28, 2003 :::
Ha ha ha!!!
Katherine just called me, and im talking to her online. Thats point one, whatever Tina brought up must not be affecting Katherine too much.
As for the white katherine, she cannot hate me that much. She seems to be able to look me in the face in class... and also has no fear of being near me anymore.
Yesterday right before Ku left for swimming, I was going to leave with him and go home. But, his sister asked me, "Are you going? You can stay if you like", so now, ive got threee new friends. Michelle, Becca, and Holly. After all, I would never stay at another's house unless I had a friend there =)
Holly is 14, not 13. She was born on the same day as me (I already knew this), only a year later. Dec 16, 1987 for me, Dec 16, 1988 for her. If i remember correctly, anyway. Shes old for a 7th grader, but acts none of it. Gosh come to think of it the more I look at her, the cuter she looks!
But Becca seems to want to talk to me more, and isnt afraid of being close to me.
Michelle seems to get along with her brother pretty well, reminds me of his and hers, "Do brother and sisters really act that way toward eachother?"
Anyway, yesterday was sucessful. However, I dont think Holly likes me as Ku and Michelle seem to have thought. But, I do wonder how she would react if I told her that I liked her? =) But, the problem is, I like Tina. But I cant have Tina, because of her parents.
Im going to meet them one of these days. Make a good impression, and anything's possible.
But, I do know for a fact Holly is open and willing to "go out", with me though, is another story together. Take the easy path for experience, or take the harder path and be true to your heart?
I begin liking any girl I get close to... so who says Holly cant be next?
Questions answered, Questions posed.
Just wait.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 :::
Oops. It's asian=unstalked Katherine, and white=stalked katherine. Boo boo!
Today was so... revealing. First, I dont know what happened.
It all started in the morning, i wanted to talk with Tina so badly (yet about nothing), however, We only got to talk for five minutes. Me and Ku followed her to her first class at the pavillion. We left at the two minute bell; I was late to class but honestly i dunno if I was tardy. All class I couldnt concentrate, It seems I was Thinking of Tina too much...
Later, at lunch, I found Ku (i got to lunch early). A few minutes after he left, I saw them. I saw Tina, then I realized two things: katherine has my class 4th period, so we had lunch together, too. And two, Tina and katherine are friends. Also there was Spenn, Katherine (asian, unstalked), a girl and a guy I dont know too well. We all ate together (well more talked, as I had already eaten in the 2 minutes I got there early), and katherine was there. She didnt seem to be alarmed that I was there, nor did she care very much. If only she would stop staring at me in class... ugh!
Anyway, Katherine cannot hate me that much, as shes still able to poke me (I was sitting next to Katherine, and Spenn was between katherine and me. Tina across the table, as were the other two i didnt know on her left and right.). Actually, I exclaimed as a joke "I got something against red. You got a problem with that?" and Katherine poked me, as my Jacket is a very bright red. "Uhh... your coat". We all laughed =)
After lunch our class was a free period (or 30 minutes of one), and I talked to Cyrus (some idiot who isnt that bad actually, although ignorant), who now sits a little behind and to the left of katherine. Japanese stuff was brought up after I stated my CD player, I think katherine said something but I didnt hear it. From then on she just corrected everything Cyrus said.
Then before fifth period, I got cought with my CD player and Hood, for the third time, and all i did was take my hood and headphones off at the door, entered the class, then put them on again. She doesnt care. We watched Aladdin.
After school we hung out, yet again, me, Tina, Ku, Chase and Jordan. Arielle seemed to catch on quick that I like Tina, as Tina said "Yeah he just stays close to me" (i dunno how she knows it, but she must like it), and Arielle commented/joked "Ah so now you're stalking her" and patted me on the shoulder. "Well at least she knows it" and I patted Tina on the shoulder.
After school we dropped Ku off and Tina, Chase, Jordan, and myself went over to my house. My mom didnt care, and we has some fun watching FF tribute, Weebl and Bob, and some AMV's. I saw them off, but they said no goodbyes.
Really though, I have no need to "Stalk" Tina. We had a six hour long conversation, and plenty after that, In which she pretty much named all her friends (although not in like a list or anything). So, I know her friends, ive walked her to her house, and I know all the places we meet during school (because we talk, too =) She volentarily IMed ME, and thats how I got hers.
"So, you like Tina?" Jordan said yesterday.
"Do you?" I replied.
"No!"
"Well there you go", and I nodded my head.
Pause
"... Yes." I said, and nodded further.
May it all come to peace soon, and may Holly come out with her feelings toward me before I ask Tina out, which is bound to happen.
Just wait.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003 :::
Grr!
(white, unstalked)Katherine is so weerid! For over an hour after our TAKS test today, what Tina said made me ponder. "It was over some note thing that you wrote in sith grade, i dunno weather it was her or you that was in sixth grade"..
I totally forgot about that now. I was actually shocked when it happened. I was in 6th grade (Katherine in 8th) and the friends Herb had over kept writing really mean and false things about me, and I, being shy as hell, couldnt stop them. So, I took a pice of paper and decided to right all their wrongs. In it basically decribed about me, almost 3/4 of a page of well, just how wrong they are. I dont remember any compiments toward Katherine or anything in it... actually all I remember was
SURPRISE at her respoce. She sent out a card, on it said "Im not considering going out with a guy right now", or something along the line. I was completely shocked at it, and pretty much kept my distance from her till I forgot about it, which wasnt more than a few months after. About a year after that was the last time I even went over to Herb's house.
And that's why Katherine hates me today, because of that note. I honestly dont remember anything in it... I wish i did. But it was over three years ago now, and probibly a couple of days also. Thats a hell of a long time to hold over something so small, something I forgot about for a long time, till Tina reminded me.
Its obvious my relationship with Tina has not shaken though, because Tina doesnt like Katherine all that much anymore anyway. My excuse out of it, which is very true, "Oh come on, I was really desperate then!". Everyone agreeed that what Katherine was doing was stupid, and moved on in the conversation.
That made me think, for over an hour after TAKS. Theres nothing I can do about it though, its too late to do anything now. I guess, all I can do, is return her favor. She WILL be seeing more of me, by will of our group of friends, however, I will act toward her as she does to me. Cold, heartless. She called me Spineless... she was looking too far into the future.
Thursday, Michelle and her friend Holly (mentioned before ;) are planning on refusing to ride the bus and we'll all get in a car and ride. I was thinking of the best place to sit... I know now that unless we get the Suburban, there will be no way we'll fit everyone. So, Ill just be indifferent ;) Well, okay, thats kinda cold, but I cant ride with Ku, Michelle, Holly, Tina, and myself and still someone drive... I gotta forget someone. Well, shit happens. It will all pass. Still looking forward though.
I dont get how this works, me and Tina both like eachother (well to the furthest extent possible for how long we've known eachother), and we both know it. But, neither of us does anything about it. My parents are fully willing to drive me and drop me off for dates, but Tina's parents, according to her, are very paranoid and dont want her having a boyfriend. She's 16, almost 17. I think its time her parents dropped it. Im probibly going to her house friday (as we get friday off), and if her parents get curious, well forget them. I can be curteous if i need to =) But most of the day will be spent at Kus house, and it looks like its just going to be Ku and Michelle (of course), Holly, Me, Tina, and Jordan this time =)
And once again, I have gone on for pages about absolutely nothing. Hope you didnt die reading it, as it was amazingly long.
Thats it for now. And to see how all this will turn out...
Just wait.
Monday, February 24, 2003 :::
BTW all AIM names I post on this site are modified. None of them actually exist, so dont even try.
I feel that now is a good time to write. Today, Tina came over. We watched Excel Saga ep 14.
Daku: ...you should make a move
WinToilet: i wouldnt want you jelous of me forever ;)
Nah, i do have other reasons in mind. Mainly her parents... plus I dont want to make Katherine jelous. I mean, I get to know her friend better than my friend's sister...
That may have been the high point of my day, Tina coming over, as its the first time a girl's ever been over. Although we didnt act like it was anything special, in my mind, it was.
Just now though, I noticed a very distant friend of mine, Amanda, was away. As always, I checked out her away message. It went something like "Very depressed... and sad... , if you want to cheer me up, call me at (number here)" where (number here) was her number. I decided, "What the heck, I called Holly, just to tell her to get online, without much trouble", so I did call Amanda. After the greetings, I managed to get out of her that two guys, brothers or something, like her, but not eachother. My problem isnt quite the same, but I did find it odd. So, i proclaimed to her, "Before the weekend, I was feeling like no one in the world really liked me. However, in a span of literally 20 hours, I found out that two girls liked me." Then i finished it off with, "It may sound a bit cold, but in the end, i've decided just to wait. Maybe one of them will stop liking me", in my case, im hoping Holly will, so that I wont hurt anyone. However, going out with Holly wouldnt hurt anyone either...
In any case, Amanda isnt away anymore. She even thanked me for the advice.
Tina proclaims to me, "Ya'know, i'll always be open, go out with Holly ;)", with the wink and all. But really, I dont want to hurt her, but at the same time, if i go out with her, it wouldnt be much. More of a in-name thing only, there wouldnt be many, if any, actual "dates". And plus, were good enough friends already.
And as for Holly, I would like to get to know her better. Maybe i can actually get her to say she likes me to my face, then I'll make a move. Im sure she would like to go out with me =)
Today was a good day.
Anything's possible, but for now, all I can do is wait...
Just wait.
Sunday, February 23, 2003 :::
Ya'know, ive totally forgotten to mentions everyone's age!!!
Tina is a Junior, I pass by her in the halls and talk to her (online also) daily. What got me to know her was she was one of Katherine's (Herb's sis) friends. And well it looks like the chain link connects directly now.
WinToilet: " I like Monica, but she has a boyfriend, and seems to be just too naive for me. I'm close to Tina, which is what should have been next. And now i'm liked, by Holly."
Realirata: Ohhh! lol
Realirata: hahaha!
Realirata: i think we could've tried it
Realirata: and maybe we can
WinToilet: wow thats uhh really open responce =)
Realirata: i was thinking on it, too
That right there says alot about what I think of her... and she seems to return that. But, we both agree, it would be best for me if I went out with Holly first.
Monica.... we know enough about her. 6th period orchestra, share stands with her, you get the picture.
Holly is still in middle school. Becca keeps F*cking confusing me as to weather they're all in 7th or 8th grade, but by the english book strwn about, i say 7th grade. Holly has a few brothers and a sister, and if you ask me, she doesnt have many friends beyond Michelle's little group-of-friends.
Once, my friend Matt had this problem with an obsessive girlfriend, and it was that same situation, she liked him blah blah. Well I dont think thats very possible in this situatuin, as for I dont see her very often, usually only on weekends and maybe holidays.
Tina has invited me over to her house friday. I returned the favor by saying she can come over any time, and she replied "Maybe sometime after school" =)
Saturday, February 22, 2003 :::
Int-er-esting. Well okay, maybe not to you but at least to me.
Yesterday I re-affirmed my friends. It was fun, we went to Ku's house and played DDR. it was Me, Tina, Katherine, Ku, Chase, Spenn, Jordan, Alex, Arielle, and one other guy on my side. Once Michelle got home, she brought with her Kate, Holly, and Becca. So, I had plenty fun hanging close to Tina and Michelle's friends =). Well, of course Arielle had the inclinct to sit next to (read: on) me, but its not all that bad. No broken bones.
Today I had solo and ensemble. I really wanted to talk to Monica but i couldnt find anything beyond "Can i borrow your tuner?" Im such a dork like that, i prefer just to sit next to someone idle than to talk to them. Didnt do either.
After that, the plan was to go to Ku's house with Tina then we all go to Tina's house. Tina's parents got home, and well, that fell through fast. Instead I went to Ku's house alone.
All day he has been harassing me "Holly likes you". He seemed completely serious, too, but i'm no dope. Even his sister said holly likes me.
Once I got there, it was obviously quickly brought up. Holly quickly denied it, but i said in my mind "Wait a sec, wouldnt I do the same?"
We watched some Noir, among other stuff, and then Holly went home (and i didnt notice). Online Ku harassed her for about 30 minuites, then he got around to "Ya'know, I can set you up with Todd" to Holly.
I instantly thought of what he did with me and Lauren. All i did was smile then.
"=}" was her exact responce.
Well now im one confused mother f*cker. I like Monica, but she has a boyfriend, and seems to be just too naive for me. I'm close to Tina, which is what should have been next. And now i'm liked, by Holly.
And now, to see the appearance of a normal life, we all have to do one thing.
Just wait.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 :::
Sorry, I deleted the earlier post. I guess i just didnt write it the way It should have been, but I was right.
I was talking with her last night, and she seems to be pretty much over Jordan. But, I was still right. Her exact words were, "Who now?".
She makes it sound like she's not considering me, and in her own little way, she probibly isnt. Today, Ku mentioned "A girl that I asked out and got turned down", I didnt mention anything as I wasnt sure who he was talking about quite yet. "You asked Monica out?" Tina immediately asked me. Ku kept going, and I realized he was talking about Lauren. "No, I think hes talking about Lauren." Tina doesnt know Lauren. I had to explain to her that I havent asked out Monica yet, and that she has a boyfriend. Even though my mouth stopped, my mind continued "Its only her nievity keeping me in the game." Basically, im starting to feel lost hope in Monica. Either something has to happen to get me closer to her, or I will lose all interest and I already know who would be next if that happened. I mean tho, In a way, I dont want to hurt her, because I do still like Monica, but I dont quite want to refuse. But, thats thinking too far ahead. "Dont cross the road if you cant get out of the Kitchen". She seems to talk to me the most, even offline, even more than Katherine (who she doesnt seem to like too much now-a-days) and of course more than other guys. However, how she keeps mentioning "Ku is funny! Hes talking about Organs." In my chats with her, doesnt please me, I think she realizes I need attention.
I need attention?! Oh crap... that reminds me of Michelle, Ku's sister.
Yesterday, I pinpointed Rachel's voice. It sounds amazingly like Becca's. But she's not a Becca to me, Tina is.
The pieces to the puzzle are still falling in. My life isnt complete just yet, but its almost there. All I gots to do is get me a Girlfriend.
I had to walk Tina home today. Well okay, not so much "had to", but she didnt want to go alone and I didnt want to leave her alone =) She felt guilty that she couldnt let me in, but I still insisted on walking her to at least her house.
If only I had things like that to do with Monica, some way to get closer to her. I fear for the worst.
I wish I could talk to Becca online. Someone who can take all my feelings and yet knows none of the people. She's good, and she listens, and even talks back. At 7th grade, people dont have the ignorance I so dread, but they just dont have the experience to relate.
"I really wish I could invite you in", Tina said.
You have no idea how much I want homemade chinese cooking =) SO GOOD!
We're going to A-kon, which is May 30th-Jan 1st in Dallas.
Its going to be fun.
Yup i have gotten off topic once again. At the end of the day, once again, I have many unanswered questions and hopes. Thats why this document is here.
It will all happen in time.
Just wait.
Friday, February 14, 2003 :::
Life goes on.
Its sort of a fatalist analagy, like the kind ive been avoiding all day. After all, today is Valentines day, and I AM single. Heh, and all the singles ar ppl i have no chance with. (Namely Monique among others)
So, of course we've all cought on by now. My day didnt really begin until sixth period, which the directors were both off at TMEA in san antonio, so we had a clueless sub. I was the only one in my chamber group actually present, so I hung out in the main room. Monica's group seemed to also be missing their violins, so we banged around all period. It was me, Michael, Kevin (Both of them), Monica, the bass, and unfortunately, Brian.
Well, anyway, it was cool most of the period. I deadened my CD player batteries, we packed up the room, and stuff. I wonder if anyone cared that I was singing to myself? Guess not...
Anyway, my CD player died 20 minutes before the end of the period, and we ended up messing with the keyboard. Shortly before that, I wished monica a (very late) Happy Valentines day, which she returned, as all I said that to did. Cept for Elise, I kinda get the feeling she doesnt like me.
Anyway, the important part. The small things are sometimes more importantant than the big things.
She took out her cell phone. At first, I took the other couch, pretending to try to fall asleep, but then curiosity got the best of me. I sat next to her on her couch, and asked her what exactly she was doing.
I found out she was playing blackjack, then decided to browse her phone's features. I insisted on watching her, and put my head basically on her shoulder. Of course I was staring at the phone (which she just happened to hold on her stumach), and i dont think she minded all that much. It does say alot, that she really doesnt mind being close to me. Next time, i'll put my arm around her ;) See what happens then!
Ah right now I'm talking to Tina. She seems to take great interest in me, but we have both expressed who we like.
Guess it kinda reminds me of Becca, no?
Thanks
Just wait.
Thursday, February 13, 2003 :::
I dont really knos If i should say my day was bad or good.... this, has all happened before, just in a different order. Lets start with the first major point of my day, shal we?
"My boyfriend called me at 3 in the morning. He and his brother were so drunk, it took like 10 minutes for him to say 'Hi'".
That is the sentence that should have shattered my heart. This is the first inclint I have ever gotten toward Monica having a boyfriend already- i never considered it. Now I see, her being deliberatly nieve was a good thing. However, theres always the opposite. She could just know full well that I like her.... so many possibilites. However, I was making moves on her what I feel like almost daily. She even mentioned hey boyfriend is a sophomore, but I have never seen her hanging out with any guys, let alone sophomores. Really though, what kind of person acts like this with me if she already has a boyfriend? Elise is full proof, she has a b/f and to her its almost like im some random guy who walked up to her just to ask "Whats the answer to problem 6? I cant find it". She always speeks in a small voice, away from me.
Yet Monica, almost acts as if i was a childhood friend of hers, we joke around that much. I guess my point is, how was I supposed to know she even had a b/f if she wasn't being conservative at all? So, I guess in the end, I should have been depressed, but I wasnt. I wasnt because secretly, something inside of me told me "You know, there was no way you could have known. Its not your fault." And yet that was before the period, and I went through the whole period (we did chamber music, so i didnt see her but before and afteR), but i didnt change. Im still the same to her. Before all that happened to me though, I said "Your hair looks cute today". I might have gotten a "thanks", if I didnt pat it. I dont know why she thinks im trying to mess it up, its just so cuuutee i cant resist!
In the end, im kind of curious myself as to if the friendship will diminish or grow. I dont know after this, but after all Rachel did mention "So you two like each other?" online. And as I just thought of today, we're the only boy/girl stand partners. Guess' im just that Sexist, huh?
Anyway, on the topic of sexist, we had anime club over at Spen's house. We did nothing but talk about the manga and various random shit. For about 20 minutes i noticed anyone i sat next to walked off and no one would sit next to me or talk to me, and Katherine was offering her chips to everyone but me. So I put my hood down and tried to fall asleep. I woke up to the sound of Katherine offering me chips, and instantly brightened.
I guess people have more of an effect on me than they realize... Such simple things set off depressions and even simpler things worsen them. Thats why I say "hi" to every friend i pass by (mostly females, but sometimes males).
Also, Jordan was depressed once we got to Jack in the Box. He didnt want to talk with me, Katherine (Herb's sis) or Tina. I think it was Tina that mentioned "he's bipolar", but I do disagree with that. He doesnt make advancements on any guy (mainly judging myself) as he does Tina or Katherine, so I really think hes straight, just a little whacky. Robert looks at lesbian porn, so that leaves only Jas (who is at millitary school) to be "bipolar".
Really, i do suspect him, because I never hear about girls from him... Even when Stev-o and Kyle brought up a giel they thought was "hot", Jas never said a peep. Sure, Robert dropped his pants in front of a bunch of men, but he DID have boxers on... and plus, porn says everything.
Wow i got really off-topic. Oh well, ill keep it all. It says everything.
So, as i said before, the circle has cracked before being completed, but when someone is as cherry as me, they realize the extra room for growth is actually a good thing. I still want a girlfriend, but it has to be someone I can like. Maybe if Monica finally realizes what her boyfriend is.... but still, it does say volumes about how pure she actually is. Me and Chris can be really nasty sometimes, I wonder if Monica (like me) is only acting so pure because she feels Im pure myself? I guess thats the only way to describe it....
Id like to get more personal-level with Monica, maybe I should ask exactly who her boyfriend is.
Sounds good.
Cheers!
Just wait.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 :::
Yet a double post.
I kind of feel an absence in my life, as if no one actually likes me, like I like Monica. All in all, its a comforting fact knowing Im the only guy Monica talks to, let alone so freely, but sometimes It pisses me off when she talked to Jesse, even though she hasnt recently.
I do wonder how she feels about me. Maybe i'll pull two important things on her tomarrow, first the anime thing, and if that dont go thru i can just ask her there how she feels about me. If it does go through, my house is a nice place to make a person feel flustered ;)
J/k, I dont think im THAT daunting. After all, she isnt exactly afraid of me, even If i am a foot taller than her ;)
Wink.
Just wait.
Something heartwarming happened today, making me realize my relationship with Monica is not as one-sided as I thought.
She was talking with Monique after 5th period, and her other friend, as she always does, and it seemed like something important, so I didn't bother them at first.
Then, Monique turned around and spotted me. She waved a friendly hello, then pointed it out to Monica, and not only told her I was there, but questioned if she would talk to me or not. She ended up falling back and talking with me, yet again.
Something as simple as that says alot. Frankly, its very touching. The thing that pisses me off is that we have NO common grounds to talk on, beyond the basics (school, familys, etc). I let her have a listen to my music, she could care less. She doesnt like music as far as my mind is concerned, so there goes one common ground.
The only one I can come up with (short of actually asking her out on what might be considered a "date", per se, dinner and a movie), was Anime. I knew my hobbies would come in use, I can invite her over to watch anime. I think its viable to do that tomarrow. Matter of fact, sounds good.
Kinda makes me tingle knowing all this ;)
Just wait.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003 :::
Something I should have posted earlier.
I guess, even though Katherine is a rotten bitch, her boyfriend isnt. "Which boyfriend?", Monica asked. I laughed freaking hard, "She only has one."
I still dont know his name, and im taking the "dumb innocent" prospective on him.
"Who are you?"
"I am me"
"You are you?"
"No, i'm not you, i'm me".
Realizing I wasnt going to get a straight answer from this guy, I went to get a coke. Chugging it, came back, Katherine was there.
I acted dumb in orchestra "God I feel so stupid. I met this person out there, and i didnt realize that hes katherine's boyfriend!" was something like it. However, I did know in full who he is.
I plan on identifying him and gathering some info on him before actually saying anything to anyone. After all, ignorance is the key to misfortune, and god knows that door has been open long enough.
Now parden me, my arms are tired of typing (this is a first).
Just wait.
Its still ending, just a little slower than I thought.
This has happened before, if I remember correctly.
Monica has aparently not gotten my message. So, i wrote a note and put it in her backpack, as she was absent from the room.
No se. I ended up throwing it in the trash at the last second.
Today, Katherine was brought up. I requested that Monica find out how Katherine feels about me (dispises is what im expecting).
I doubt she will. Shes forgetful like that. However, inside that note, I quickly explained the time I had gone into class and she cheered me up (after seing Katherine's boyfriend), and how I think of her day and night. I then signed it (with smileys). However, that was thrown in the trash, as I feel it would be better to just explain it in person. ("What is this? This isnt mine!"). I dont want to lose a friend, without realizing it. Thats what happened with Katherine. It shal not happen again.
Valentines day is coming up. Maybe that would be the best day to sort all this out?
Just wait.
Monday, February 10, 2003 :::
Its.... over.
As quickly as it started, its now ending.
Ive gotten a life. And now more importantly, ive asked a girl out.
Well, not technically on the latter. Lets just say my chances are "great" if I ever do fully, uhh, "go all out" and say the right words.
This morning I woke up. But, it was not like the past mornings, no no no. What ran through this morning was the same as before, "I must do it." Do it, as in ask her out. But this is different. This time, Ive got a plan, one that works. One that cannot be reversed. No no no, that bitch Katherine (Silverman) broke my heart. For over two years, I had obsessed with the fact of asking only one girl out.... Her. Thanks to Arielle, one of her friends I had dispised until recently, I have found out it was not me who was at fault. I was accused of "stalking", but, i have done no such thing. Not to any extreme, no, this wasnt even past "playful crush". I have no inclinct to where she lives, which is they key to stalking. So... I am no longer at fault as I once thought.
Katherine, on the days she isnt sick, walks into class (english) with a faked smile on her face, which quickly turns upside-down. Her boyfriend, the one who is supposed to bring joy to her life, isnt doing his job. I have not talked with him, nor do I want to. Katherine, after knowing my situation in full, broke my heart. That bitch deserves what her boyfriend is giving her. Not until she begs on her knees will I show any sympathy to the hell she drove me into.
And yet, the third reason for depression, the rejection, by both Katherine and Lauren, should have been in full blast by now. But no, thanks to one person. One very kind and gentile soul, one who God sent to this earth to give me pleasure, her name, is one known to this blog. Monica.
Thanks to her, not only has the depression been pulled into resession, but it has almost completely dissapeared. And she is almost oblivious to the fact she is helping me.
That very fact alone is enough to have made me do what I did today, but it was not. No, for it creates fear, "What if its only a coincidence? What if her feelings are truely toward another?" That sparked the last revelation in me, "Remember last time? You waited, for ohh say, two years, and look what happened. You had your heart shoved in the trashcan like it was gum once chewed." Although those were not the same words, they have the same effect. So, knowing that, I went into sixth period expecting my soul to chicken out like it did before.
But not so! Instead, my heart took over my brain, and out came exactly the words I planned, altered slightly to the situation. "Let it be known, that I like you." Was what my brain planned, but alas, it was not to be heard by another pair of ears. Instead, the following came from my lips, "Ya know, *head rub* I like you *end head rub*"
The head rub is a sign of affection, one I give her almost daily, as if its manditory. But today, my hands were warmer, and they were longer.
During the class, it seemed like she did not get the message. What I was expecting, her to go into deep thought, did not happen. Instead, we laughed at every off-beat just like normal, together. At the end of the period, I thought it manditory to remind her,
"I was not kidding about I said at the begining of the period." Pause as I finished packing my cello, and she waited (a first) for my to finish my sentence. "*Head rub* I like you*" and we exited, together. She gave me a confirmation of hearing the message, but yet again, I dont think she has conveyed its meaning to the full. I managed to get a final goodbye in, like normal, before exiting the room.
To finish off with the plan, I must wait. The end is not near, for I still have yet to pull an episode two, "You know, Yukino, you still havent told me how you feel about me. When will i get an answer?"
Now, its time for time to take over. Time will finish the process, and thursday or friday I will take the final action. Then, skipping episode three (where Arima finds out Yukino reminds him of his troubling past), because it has already happened, the fourth might come. Or yet, we might just skip to the fifth. The first date.
Thank you, Gainax, for such a wonderful guideline. Thank you god, for steering me into the right direction. This time, the right path is being followed, and the signs are being taken.
At last, the emergence of a normal life has taken full circle. Although the last arc has yet to be filled, it is in place and ready. Lets just hope, all of us, that it does not shatter before reaching its destination.
Its time for episode two to take place.
Just wait.
Sunday, February 09, 2003 :::
Hmm i really havent posted in a while, eh?
Wells... I probibly should have posted yesterday.
Friday, was awesome. After school we hung out in mr. BNenignus's room till four, then we went to barnes and nobles.
There were 8 of us, and we had a blast. It was me, Chris, Katherine (Herb's sis, the other one wont be mentioned anymore), Tina (Katherine's friend), Spenn (Drove us in a suburban), Jordan and his brother, and Josh. Only Chris has been mentioned here before.
Anyway, we went to barnes and nobles. I read some of WISH by CLAMP, then went and got some coffee with the group (and read it a lil more while talking). After that, I accidently walked out with it (put it in my pocket cuz i ran out of hands, then forgot about it). Oops. Then went to the mall, and ate. Then we looked around at various stores, Gamestop (has anime), Sam Goody (has anime), we toured an incense stand, then Jordan led us to a pet store, then we checked out Waldenbooks. Not a great selection there, bout as much as Barnes and nobles. Then we had to drop Katherine, Tina, Chris, and Josh off. The remaining four of us went to two theatres, then just decided to go to netzone. AWESOME
Yesterday I went to see Final Destination 2 with my dad, uncle, and two cousins. It is the goriest movie EVER!!!! Then we went to my uncles hoyuse and watched Boondock Saints, which is the most anime-like (plot wise) movie ive ever seen!!! It resembles Hellsing in style (they recite a prayer before killing people), but without any vampires. Then went home, pooped, took a nap, did some stuff, ate, then went to bed. And now here I am.
I have a thought though, thats been disturbing me. It didnt all that much friday night, thankfully!, but its been creeping slowly for a while. Thanks to His and Her Circumstances probibly, "Ya'know, I like you", to Monica. I dont know though if i should go through with it. But remember last time? I fell into deep depression for many year. Hmm maybe i will do so. It worked for Soichuro Arima, why cant it work for Todd Oakes? Sure, he may be a "pretty boy" with girls all over him already, but whos to say it isnt like that with the lower-downs (myself) too? (I dont know what class monica is, just EVERYTHING about her life. She sure can talk alot ;)
Yes, but she is also bound to log on today. Ive had my heart torn with both the written note and the internet so far, so im just going to make small talk.
The dreams have started, too. Its time not to sit back anymore, but I dont want to ask her out if all Im going to get is a no. So, instead, Ill tell her how I feel about her, and hope she pulls a Yukino on me. (A la episode four, "Her Difficult Problem")
Its time for action, before this gets worse.
Saturday, February 01, 2003 :::
Happy Chinnese New Year!!!
I really cant decide how to explain what happened.
I guess the begning is good.
After showering friday, i went over to chris's with my sleeping bag and pillow. I end up w8ting and playing DDR. Arielle came, shortly after Michelle and Becca. After discovering how much Arielle sucks at DDR, we were off.
The car trip there was weird. Arielle wouldnt keep to herself, kept bouncing between me and chris. Mainly him, as it should be. We all talked to eachother at some point, I even talked to Becca alot. But, not Michelle.
We managed to get there, somehow. The house was a MANSION!!! EVERY ROOM WAS BIG! Me, Arielle and Chris talked for a while. We got the upstairs, and set up DDR and played. I played, and talked. Pizza came. More of the both, mixed in with eating. Somehow, we lost Chris and Arielle, so I started talking with Becca (not michelle).
We eventually found them on the balcany outside, and went there. I had no seat =( so I chose random spots, including the roof next to the balcany. We eventally went back inside.... and my mind is scrambled after that.
For the rest of the night, well it involved going downstairs and setting up DDR there after getting yelled at for playing it upstairs. (that was before we got on the balacany). Of course I played, but we also talked (Arielle and Chris and me, and me and Becca if i lost the two, which happened quite often). I slid around on the floor, then played some DDR. Then talked to Becca some more, this time for a while.
Somehow we ended up letting the little kids play it, and eventually went upstairs and talked there. I do believe we lost Chris and Arielle again, this time for a LONG TIME. Me and Becca talked.... for at least an hour and a half, while watching TV. She is actually very interesting.... obviously. I wonder if I should tell her about my Katherine story.... nah.
In any event, Chris's mom split us up when she made us go to bed. Girls to the bedroom next to the bathroom, guys to the bedroom behind the game room. Arielle slipped in, and stayed with me and Chris. We all talked, before and after she slipped in.
Sleep set in. After we all woke up, we went into the game room and they promptly... fell asleep. I got onto the balcany, then the roof. Then I climbed up the roof, up to the very top. Its not steep. Actually, it was very comfortable. I talked to myself for a while, then Chris cought me. We went down, then made Arielle join us for another trip. We all talked, then went back down again.
Its all a haze after that, but the trip home sucked. No talking. Well, it was an unspoken agreement, not a rule. It doesnt matter. Becca is actually quite cute, And arielle is funny-acting =) So I just attempted to fall asleep, with fail. Arielle fell asleep on top of me.
We ate at Jack In the Box, and then Arielle went home. Then I went home. (Sidenote: Michelle tried to give the directions to my house, only I heard. She knows where I live. And if she does anything about it, I'll pull a Robert ANAL RAPE.)
The trip was nice overall, if short. Even without going to Planet Anime, I have made two new friends. The first is Becca. This time, for keeps ;)
The second is Arielle. One I never wished.
But that isnt important. What is, is that I am gaining friends. I hope Michelle hangs out with Becca more, I like seing her. Same with Chris//Arielle, They arent all that bad.
Ill forgive Arielle for turning Katherine the way she is. After all, she hates Katherine's boyfriend.
I had to make it painfully obvious because that I like someone because of Chris's STABBING (words) at my side that I like Becca. I still like Monica... I even thought of her, but thankfully not all that much. Arielle knows I'm no stalker, after all, her sister's stalker knew her neck size and stole her cat just to give it back to her....
It all works out. It all comes with time. I'm done playing games with my fate. God has won, and now I'm reaping the Benefits. I wonder if this will last forever?
Just wait.
