Saturday, January 25, 2003 :::
Damn looks like god was gentile on me. I guess it isnt time yet.
Monica refused the offer, which I asked her yesterday. Aparently she has to go clean her friend's horses with her.
Well, least god gave a reason this time. Something other than "I dun feel like it", which would have totally killed me. Oh well, every time something like this pops up i will keep asking her. My mind has gone too far to go back.
Chorpus Christi is my last resort. This, hopefully, will happen before then.
Whatever god's plan is now, I will take it. As long as he shows me the light, I will follow.
Like a lamb in a flock is what they say. I prefer a lone wolf, confused on where to go next.
I will wait for my path to be shown.
Just wait.
Thursday, January 23, 2003 :::
Update: CHANCE-UU!
My dad recently informed me that we will be going to my aunt's this saturday. He also informed me that my uncle's little kids will be there.
Know where this is leading already? I will not be able to maintain my sanity for very long if i go alone. I will most likely end up in a corner wishing those kids would get off of me.
So, now, I have decided to invite the one person I know i can trust along. Monica. I'm going to have to tell her tomarrow, in an effort to help me. She likes babysitting, and although its not exactly that, its close enough. That, and with my parents bugging mer to bring someone every time is getting annoying, espicially with my frequent depressed attitude (because these 'party's' are MEGA-BORING). So, I figure I gots someone to talk to that WONT bring up gay sex, anal rape, or comitting suppuku, and it wont make me look gay either!
I've also thought of a bad scinerio, them asking if she's my girlfriend or not. In an effort to minimize confusion, I'm going to (hopefully away from all others) just pretend she is for this once, as its much easier to explain than "No no no".
I believe in god.
My recent events are definately worth note.
As for yesterday, it was fun. My day didnt start till right before 4th period Spanish. I saw katherine, as I always do, but i also saw a guy with her, holding her like boyfriend/girlfriends do. I instantly got super-depressed. I took a test in that class (which BTW I failed) then said, "Okay, now why am I depressed?". I thought about 3-deep, then said "Okay okay, this isnt going to help", and tried to sleep as much as possible. After 4th period, saw them again.
While walking to fifth period, Ku mentioned "Have you ever thought about killing everyone around you?". More meaningless conversation, we split to go to fifth period.
No one cared about me, I sit behind Elise (and play with her hair alot ;) and in front-right of me is mace, halley to the left and her friends in front of her. I sit in the back, and just laid down and took a nap most of the period (after highlighting for the test, which was today) I didnt mention to anyone my state, they probibly dont care much.
Sixth period Orchestra I sit next to Monica. Early on, "I'm not feeling good", she says "Oh, i'm sorry", scincerely. Later I say (silently, but loud enuf to be heard) "You know, somtimes stupid questions arent all that stupid. You could ask me why i'm not feeling good, even if I am sick."
Silence, guess she didnt hear me. Later on "You could go to the nurse to get out of this, ya'know"
then I break it to her "I'm not sick or anything, i'm depressed"
A more scincere "I'm sorry" followed. meaningless conversation ensued.
Then, like a mericle, a little bit after I play, all of a sudden it starts getting cheery. Everyone keeps talking after someone takes their test, and it spreads like emotions do, eventually to me. Monica plays, and I claim she did better than me, which i scincerely thought I sucked. Later more laughter ensues, on various things, and me and Monica look at eachother and laugh alot. At the end of the period, I literally thanked her for cheering me up. I came out of there feeling the best I can ever remember.
Later that day my ensemble practiced, then Tammy had to go.
I went out, did my spanish HW, then checked on Rachel's absence. She was practicing. She went to the bathroom, I moved my stuff into the room and put my spanish book in my locker. She came back a bit later, then went to search for her parents.
She came into the orchestra room, and I walk-talked with her for a minute, then sat down on the couch claming "The couch sure is comfy". All that time I wanted so badly to do the unspeakable, but instead I went on about meaningless stuff in soft voices, the both of use slightly seperated. She left later, and i followed her, but unfortunately her parents were there and she left. I managed to get her MSN name. I laid down a bit more, then left for my own car.
That was the first day I wore my chain with a cross on it. And I came out of there feeling like I could never have been better. So, wishing for the same, I wore it today.
I am now immune to Katherine and her boyfriend. I am expecting them to try their best to make me jelous, however, I noticed a big change in Katherine today. Most nociable is her hair, about half the legnth it was before (now it doesnt even touch the desk behind her). Its almost as if shes changed, into a lighter, much purer soul than before. She doesnt wear any really-gothic stuff anymore. She's definately changed.... This time, for the better. She looks almost exactly like she did in that dream a while ago... Or rather, feels. Also, in that dream, she mentioned her "previous date". This is her first boyfriend.... I'm looking forward to hearing how this turns out, assuming she forgives me someday.
today, Nothing merical happened. I got Amanda's IM (she has a BF already, and appears to always be on, we've already chatted once.) And I also found out that I actually did much better than Monica on the test, she claims I always either praise her or say nothing. I verify this, because I scincerely thought she did much better than me on the test. "I guess that trance I was in yesterday really did affect my memory ... ... Sorry, I was just trying to find myself" However, I do truely belive yesterday god didnt plan for me to see what I saw, but he knew it was inevitable, so he sent Monica to help me recover. I failed a test because of it, but now... I do believe. Yesterday could have been nothing short of a mericle.
Thank you god. I do belive.... In you. Now, I am a full christain. God has changed my life forever....
But im not going to turn into some religious freak.
I've made up my mind. If I ever get stuck babysitting, Monica is coming with me. No matter what, even if I have to go over to her house (which I still dont know where it is) and drag her by the feet, I will not babysit alone. 2 kids is too much for me anyway.
Geez... Monica is making me want to ask her out more than ever. However, Its not time yet. I have to deprive her.... but I dont want to wait too long and let her get a boyfriend.
Just wait.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003 :::
First, she pretended that the conversation we had last night did not happen. However, I knew it was because she thought i didnt want to talk about it. So, i asked her what she needed to see the councelers for (her ending words were "I need to see the councelor before i make out my schedule). It ends up she needs to find ouit if she is going to take English II for summer school or not.... She best not become a junior on me!!!
I have arrived at the exciting and very surprising conclusion that I like Monica. (Sarcastic)
Im sure by my blog you could tell... the only way i could was by me wanting her to log on so badly today. Who am I kidding? Her tuesdays are packed... she didnt even show up for private lessons today. Its extremely (crossed out, "Excruciatingly" written above it) hard to express my emotions in person, but giving them that critical timespan to think about it will always result negitively. If anything, I say copying Arima by grabbing her arm and telling her "I just want you to know this. I've liked you all along" would be best. But it is not time to resort to something so durastic right now. Its best to wait. She hasnt invaded my dreams yet.... but my mind constantly drifts off thinking of her. It was espically hard to concentrate on DDR on monday.
I'll talk to her this weekend online for sure. If it just so happens to flow that I invite her over for anime, It will. Then it might also flow the rest.... no doubt if we watch his and hers.
Only time knows these answers. Till then, I will be wearing my chain, praying for help from god.
Just wait.
Monday, January 20, 2003 :::
Yup.
Lets make a long story short. I'm Wintoilet, Monica is Shorty.
WinToilet: hmm you like little kids, right?
Shorty81504: yeah why?
WinToilet: i got a couple cooked up right here
WinToilet: j/k
Shorty81504: lol
WinToilet: no really, saturday night my parents forced me to go to my uncle's house with them
Shorty81504: lol
Shorty81504: thats funny
WinToilet: I didnt really want to go, and somehow i ended up playing with their 5 and 7 year olds
WinToilet: and now they might want me to babysit
Shorty81504: funny picture
WinToilet: and since ur the only one i know who likes little kids, if that ever happens, ur coming along
WinToilet: k?
WinToilet: =)
Shorty81504: lol
Shorty81504: k
WinToilet: Yess! you have signed the pact!
WinToilet: you must accept the offer and not go back!
WinToilet: MUHAHAHAHAHA =)
Shorty81504: ok
So basically, WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO?!
Oh god thats been on my mind all weekend (asking monica to help me babysit) and it comes out in less than a minute... And she accepts?
Oh well, that was the first time i talked to her too.
I also mentioned anime in the conversation, maybe i'll go more in depth later about anime.
I GOT IT!!! I can invite her over to watch anime!!!
YESSS!!!! I WIN!
Well not really. Guess i'm a little whacked out today. But seriously, I will ask her to come over and watch anime... once i get my damn DVDs back! Action (cowboy Bebop), Comedy (Excel saga), Romance (His and Hers), Western Fantasy (Slayers), Eastern Fantasy (Inuyasha), Umm... Shojo? (I my me Strawberry eggs), Sci-Fi (Vandread Taihouden+Second Stage is my reccomendation).
Looks like I got what she like! Whatever that may be.
BTW her favorite color is blue. Even her text is blue. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?
Just wait.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003 :::
Think alike.
Nothing really important happened today.... but I did notice something that I hadn't noticed before.
I sit in the front in orchestra, to my left is Monica, to my right is Joseph. We usually talk, throw some insults (playfully). However.... It almost seems as if I was spaking for Monica today. I responded to some of Josephs insults, as if I was her. As if... I truely do know what she's thinking. I even looked over to make sure I wasnt missing something- nope. Everything I said was correct. Freaky... huh? Well, i guess I figure if I take all of her Insults, she wont respond to them anymore. No... I dont. Where the hell did that come from?!
Well... She has her lesson after school before me. She kept looking at me when she came in the room.... twice. All I could do was smile.... but theres something between it. Almost as if we are keeping a secret, just between us. I wonder what she's waiting for.... or more importantly, what she thinks of me. Am I just a friend? Or something more important than a friend....
If Holly was right.... well..... hmmm.... I guess I could thank her? For giving me confidence? Sounds right.
It's all in time. She's much stronger (emotionally) than I am... I can tell. If anyone is the candidate, she is. Damnit... why here and now? Can't I be free from this?
Oh well, god's got some path for me, and i'm done intervening with it. I will let time take it's course. "Now is not a time to let things take their own course!"
Yes... Yukino, you have a point, but that advice doesn't apply all the time.
Side note: Courtney keeps staring back at me, occasionally. Not the focus of this post though. I was just kidding about Michelle's friends, and i was saying that I have no chance with anyone on Lauren and Katherine's side of friends.
Maybe I should seek some advice from someone? Ah, noone knows my situation better than myself. Actually... I'm the only one I know who knows bout Monica and Courtney.... besides Arielle (she's been mentioned, she came onto monica a while back)
Ahh.... Least I dont write in the second person anymore. I guess maybe I was really stalking....
Katherine. I thouight about this a while ago.... What straight person hangs out with lesbians? Ive counted at least 3, maybe 4 she hangs out with. Gays I might be able to understand, but lesbians? She's bound to fall into the dark side sooner or later.
Monica.... Courtney.... Make it clear my destiny. UNITE! (btw no meaning)
Just wait.
Monday, January 13, 2003 :::
I was just thinking....
I let Courtney borrow my His and Hers DVD 1 today, after Lance returned it. Actually, she probibly has no clue what my collection includes, but we did have a conversation last thursday. I told her she might like it, and would let her borrow it. And i did, today.
But back thursday, In the conversation, she mentioned something that says so much about who she is and what she thinks of me.
"(laugh) It's a Shonen-ai, you might not like it".
I dont remember what anime she was talking about, and setting aside the fact i learned that term wednesday night, It speaks for itself. "You might not like it" directly refers to what she thinks of me, she thinks i'm not gay. Which is good, i dont know why ppl would think I'm gay.... but that's good. Maybe she learned about my stories of asking people out (namely Lauren and most likely Katherine, the former being a direct friend of hers and the latter being Lauren's friend)... but either way, it also confuses me. "It's a shonen-ai", meaning anime containing a relationship between men (doesnt nessicarily have to be hentai, that's Yaoi). But that confuses me, before now I thought she was lesbian (who the hell holds hands with the person she hangs out with?), and that confuses me. Chris said that Arielle thought Lauren might like another girl, which makes me wonder.... it's not Arielle or Katherine.... so that means it's most likely Courtney or that other girl, reffering to the one i saw Courtney holding hands with. No, that information is more than 2 or 3 months old, so i am not stalking.
Anyway, ive never heard of a lesbian that likes yaoi, so this might be a new turn. I'm not that sure.
Anyway, i think I have ab etter chance of scoring with Michelle's friends than any of them... and like that will happen. Oh well, looks like Monica is my only hope...
"The one you are most likely to fall in love with is the one you least expect."
Just wait.
Today was a sucess.
I went over to Chris's again. Yesterday, it was Holly and Michelle that were there (cept for Ku, duh). We come to my house to eat and play a lil DDR, then we go back to his house. Holly is gone, and Becca (guessing short for Rebecca?) was there.
It was a total disaster, Michelle was pointing out pictures of ppl she knew on a website. I said... "Wow you have a site full of pictures of your friends... weird"
Becca instantly replies "Least I got friends"
Wow what a bad first impression. I walked off into the other room and decided to be nice to her.
Well, we ended up watching Ku play American Mcgee's Alice for about an hour. Becca kept shifting positions, but managed to get close enough to show theres no gruge. Well, no, actually, i was taking up a lil too much space on perpouse so the only spot she could see was almost right next to me... let's call it sucessful planning.
Late at night (about midnight) we again ended up watching Excel saga in Ku's room. All 4 of us were there, Becca and Michelle to the bed and me and Ku took the chairs. We laughed alot... excel saga. Well Michelle fell asleep in about 10-20 minutes but becca managed to stay silently awake through the whole thing. She laughed about twice (compare to me and ku's 50+). So, after excel saga I vouched for something else to keep Becca entertained also (inuyasha on the mind). No worky. Michelle woke up and sleep-walked (not aware but yet awake) into her own bedroom and Becca followed her... I said they didnt have to leave but Ku isnt me and that's not my room so...
Well anyway, we went to some retarted copy-of-a-church in tomball (copy from the chuch mentioned IN MY FIRST FREAKING MONTH POSTING... wow it's been over 9 month's ive kept this blog...)
Anyway, Becca seemed not to mind me anymore. I guess all my niceness paid off. We even talked... to eachother, directly, in the car on the way back. Although of course not all 4 of us can fit at a table in subway so i ate with Ku and Michelle and Becca ate together. At subway, she said she doesn't like healthy stuff. "What, you trying to get fat?" Unbenounced to me before, she actually weighs 85 pounds and wants to get to 100. However... "You are kinda short ;). (Yes i smiled like that)
On the way back, we talked about eachother to eachother. In responce to something, I said "Nah, actually you're kind of depressing. But not in a bad way, I kind of like it =)." (yes I smiled.) "It suits you well"
All in all, this is definately a promising friendship. Looks like i'm making more of Michelle's friends than i am on my own.... creepy, eh?
No... this is creepier. "The one you are most likely to fall in love with is the one you least expect." Creepy. Who is the least expected? I dont know... I guess that's kinda the point, isnt it?
All in all, today I suceeded. I turned what was to me a bitter enemy into what I hope to be a good (and unfortunately distant) friend. I'm going to adopt both phrases now... "Any friend of my friend is also my friend" and "Any enemy of my enemy is my ally" Dunno how much work the latter will get...
However, "...the one you least expect."
Just wait....
Saturday, January 11, 2003 :::
hmm well only a quick note this time.
I was over at Ku's houst yesterday, playing DDR most of the time, but the times i wasnt, his sister Michelle wouldnt let me do anything. I think we talked and played aroun for about an hour around Ku while he watched Standalone Complex... which thanks to her I need to see again.
But the thought was.... how many guys would kill to have been in the position i was in? I came up with about 10. I think 10 guys would like her enough to have killed for the position i was in yesterday. =)
I guess that makes me special. But i'm not one of those 10. =)
Monday, January 06, 2003 :::
I was up till 3 am tallking with Holly. She was pretty nice. She claims to not be too smart but she has a good will.
Anyway, I had an odd dream. I bet what spurred this was that i had to tell Holly all about Katherine. Such memories of her as a pure soul came back (like from summer school, the last time i saw her as pure). Well, she had a different hairstyle. It was almost as if this took place in the far future, like in a year or so. She invited me to come home with her... I didn't get it. My brain told me that we havent had any contact since the incident.
Katherine wanted me to go home with her. Me... wondering why she was friendly all of a sudden, asked "Why?"
"Well, last time blah was my date, and blah was it before that, and i really dont want to go without a date..."
Then it struck me. Maybe what holly said sank in. She had a similar experience, but the fact is even though she's in katherine's position she still likes the guy. Which lead me to think... Katherine...
But lets not be dependant on that fact. The fact is, she wanted me to go as her date (the inference was: to a church dance or something) However, i cannot stress her appearance enough.
She had her hair all tied back, just so that it was curled up in the front. Her face seemed cute, not outgoing like it does now. She was kind of shy, and i know it took her some guts to say that. She had on the shirt i like and had her big baggy gothic pants but her aura was just different. It touched my heart. She was waiting for me. 5 my brain told me, waiting for 5 minutes.
My dream ended there, but the conclusion was that I accepted and we went. That's all my brain needed to tell me.
It seemed like it happened either mid-sophomore or mid-junior year. Although my dreams rarely come true, its because i never let them. I always take a faster course of events, and it gets blown up in my face. This time, the only course is alreadhy perscribed.
Just wait.
Also, Holly's extreme confidence in the fact that some girl admires me is touching.
I told her "Look, unless it's you, it's not going to help"
She replied "I dont like you like you"
Well of course parts omitted. But Her confidence that there's some girl out there that likes me is flattering. Even if it isnt her.
Maybe she doesnt remember what I look like clearly?
Ah well, in the end, sometimes Patience can be your best Virtue.
And going along with "The one you are most likely to fall in love with is the one you least expect", I havt to say, Just wait.
That post I said I'd delete? I did.
This is the second fake proposal. They think i'm so easy to play with....
Well... This time.. I dont have anything to revert back to. I just came to a critical decision. It was to become friends with Katherine (If she ever talks to me again), Lauren (If she ever talks to me again), and Monica. Just become friends.
I'm going to throw the chorpus christi plan out. Maybe i'll keep the roses... but change the phrases.
Behind it all was mainly Holly, one of Chris's sister (Michelle)'s friends. Basically, i feel ive made a new friend through all of this. I hope it lasts.
"Peace of mind, reasons for me to find.... you"- Call me, Call me - Cowboy Bebop
Thursday, January 02, 2003 :::
Noo.... I understand it now.
"You are most likely to fall in love with the one you least expect"
Noo... Monica isnt the one for me. She will become my friend. I will be there if something happens.... no, this isn't true love.
Not yet. I have yet to find the one for me....
Yet somehow, i feel that that person will be a fellow anime fan.
In any case, I feel that Lauren is not the one either. Katherine.... i dont think about her much anymore.
They'll all become my friends, of course under their own will. It's all in my own hands as of now. I must make the correct choice... and I feel this is it.
"One day in high school is more important than a month in adulthood" "Kids have minds too, let them make their own choices."
It's all in my hands now.... screw the athorities. I'll do what I want, and what I want, is to be free!
