Monday, March 31, 2003 :::
Again, nothing really happened. Just, out of the blue (this was obviously thought through), Tina said on the bus today,
"You know, if you ever get a girlfriend, she's going to have to be the mushy type, the kind that's all over you".
At first my thoughts were racing, "WTF is this a way of turning me down? Well then why is she sitting next to me? The seats open behind us... I dont get it". I just didnt get it. She is right tho, if i get a g/f she will probibly be the type that's all over me.
But then, I started calming down as the bus took off. "Wait a second, It's not just me hanging around Tina, her obvious preference is me. So, could this mean that she would be the one to hook me up with someone? But we dont know anyone like that, do we?" I became frantic once more, because although I now realized that it wasnt "fuck off", but its still "you're a good friend". Not that I proposed or anything recently, never have. In face, we've sicussed, casually, the reasons we shouldnt go out.
Finally, a third resolution came to mind. "Maybe she will be the one that is all over me?" That doesnt make much sence, and still doesnt, but it isnt completely outruled.
Now, I know that i've got a definate friend. As for now, with how close we are, its good enough for me.
Tina and Kai even came over- for a short while, be it. Tina got her DDR pad and left, they checked out my guinea pig, and stayed for about 15 minutes (lame!). I invited them to stay longer, but Kai insisted on leaving. Its all well.
And all is good.
Saturday, March 29, 2003 :::
Ill scan the pic in tonight or tomarrow. Since my last blog post, its been such a rush!
Alright, this might sound strange, but it isnt to me. My last post I left feeling a little more comfortable about what happened, and less surprised. However, much more informed, as if the following events arent DESCRIPTIVE enough!
After my last post, i cooled down. About an hour later, Tina exclaimed that she was home alone, and wanted me to come over, after she was done eating. She said to come over in 15 minutes at about 6:30, but thanks to my dad I got over there 15 minutes late, about 7. Nothing much happened, I didnt get a tour of her house or anything, we just sat and talked at her computer, chatted online, listened to music, and we checked out her bedroom. Thats about all; her house was one of my favorite ones to tour when the neighborhood was still under construction, so I knew her layout real well already. (Does anyone else find that ironic?)
We sat making Ku jelous for about an hour, then about 8:30 or 9:00 or so(time flys) we treked out to Ku's house, walking. She insisted on disguising herself in my jacket, it wasnt that cold for me, but she needed one and was very paranoid. We talked about random things; I'm nostalgic, blah de blah. I talk as if she already knows I like her, not bringing it back up at all. We took her DDR pad to Ku's house, but didnt play it.
After we arrived at Ku's house, we fairly immediately left. Holly's dad took us; in the car, were Holly's dad and Holly's brother in the front, Me, Tina, Ku in the middle, and Michelle, Holly, Kate in the back. We met up with Chase, Jordan, Craig, and Robert at the theatre, and I had to pay for Tina's ticket (she forgot her money! >.<)
We all saw Spirited Away, in the SMALLEST theatre. Me, Tina, Ku sat together near the back right, the rest sat in a line down the row. Tina wouldnt stop talking to Ku, I mentioned it once, she acknowleged it but didnt do anything about it, then i mentioned it again, "But nevermind, its too late now". She then began to talk to me more, near the end of the movie, but still to Ku more. I wasnt satisfied, but Ku was acting really jelous online over me being at Tina's house, so I let it fly as a repayment.
After we got out of the movie, Me, Tina, Ku, Chase, Michelle, Jordan, and Robert all rode in Chase's little Matrix. We all squished in the back, Tina to the front and Jordan in the trunk. We got rid of Ku and Michelle, which left Jordan, Me, Tina in the back, and Robert and Chase to the front. Its a short ride to my neighborhood (coincidently Tina's also), but Jordan (knowing my situation) decided to "forcefully" (I was confused at what he was doing, so I didnt intervene), "forcefully" putting my arm around Tina's ahoulder. Once I realized it, I took my hand back, but it was too late; the expression of disapproval (that I fear so much, although it isnt like friendship-threatening) showed through already.
In any event, I got out first, Jordan and Robert stayed behind and I got permission to spend the night at Chase's house. I was worried about Tina, as she wasnt supposed to be out so late (although she left a note saying she would).
Chase ame back and got us, and we all went to Chase's house. The whole time, I was worried about Tina, but by the morning (we didnt stay awaky much more than an hour and a half or two hours), it had escaped me, "I'm sure she's alright".
We ate, watched Chase play his new Zelda game, fooled around with his pets, then went to my house around one thirty.
I called Tine (twice in a row) to ask her if she could come, the first time I only asked her, but the second time, "What about her DDR pad?" We ended up talking for about 10 minutes, the end resolution to take it to my house, then we all left (without her). We went by Robert's house and grabbed his Boondock Saints DVD, then we went to Ku's house, played some DDR, hung out in his room, ordered pizza, and after the pizza came we watched the movie. About 2/3 way through it, Chase pops up at 4:30, claiming he needed to take Jordan home. We took Jordan home, then we went to Chase's work place, me and Robert.
It was coincidently Mountasia, where we played DDR. We were the worst people there, there was a crowd of about 6 or 8 around the machine for over an hour. After I got a drink, I came back and this hot asian girl got on and played the HARDEST SONGS, ALMOST PERFECT! None of the other guys were that good, most of them only passing 8 step songs. Funnier yet, I knew two of the people of the group she was with, Stephanie and Mary. All were asians, I hung out with them (Robert too) for a while while we waited for his mom. After his mom came, we went to Ku's house, and Robert stayed there.
I got Tina and my DDR pads, and left. I got home, and called Tina. I didnt know she was eating until the END of the conversation, which was about 7 minutes long. I told her to call me back in 15 minutes, and then took a shower.
That happened at about 8, she was supposed to call around 8:15-8:30. She hasnt yet, which is why im writing this. Im afriad of calling her again, "Who is that weird guy that keeps calling for Tina?", and they'll ask her, do de do da do. I think maybe it was a mis-communication, that I was supposed to call her, but I just called, four rings, no answer (it normally goes to 8). "Who is that weird guy who keeps calling?"
Tina's paranoid, and I'm scared.
However, that is still very small on my mind. More over is what has all happened, and this is one long-assed entry. In the end, the more over is well.
And all is good.
Friday, March 28, 2003 :::
Well, The only three words I can describe the last hour as are, "WTF??"
Okay, lets begin. My day was going fine, Tina missed the bus in the morning.
At the end of the day, we all met up. We all decided to go to Andrew's house.
Before we got in the car, I didnt something I shouldnt have. Tina mentioned something that I cant seem to remember, but I put my arm around her (it was a joke). She took offence to it, great offence. I backed off, proclaimed my sorrow, and I was forced into shotgun in Chase's car.
At Andrew's house, we talked about the manga we are making for Anime club, and random movie quotes.
We mentioned Racks alot throughout the meeting, as a joke. Then, someone (probibly Ku) wanted me to tighten my shirt to show my "Rack". As a tease-joke, i pulled the bottom of my shirt, only tightening the stumach. Well, it tightened the chest part too. Only three people saw it, then I was chased by the people who missed it (Tina and Ku), and as I was running away, Tina grabbed it and I spun around to slap her hand away, and showed everyone in the process. I ran and went to the bathroom, after I got out I sat on the stairs away from the kitchen. I put nmy CD player on High.
They came and teased me twice, then Ku threatened to spit on me. I got up and picked another room, with no other exit. I exited, and Tina had already cought up with me. I ran into the living room, and asked Tina, "Why are you chasing me?" I then ran into the kitchen, where Chase and Tina cornered me. I sat down, curled up, and what happened next I definately did not expect.
Chase began bowing, most likely in forgiveness, in my direction (emperor-worship on-the-knees style).
What did Tina do? She curled up right next to me and put her arms around me.
What else would I have done? She could hear my CD player, and I think she was saying something, but all I cought was "I can hear your music" and "I feel like a slut" and a bunch of "Come on"'s. I think they were begging for forgiveness.
What was I to do? Chase was bowing, and Tina was curling me. Her right arm was preventing me from getting up, it was on my head dead-weight. She pulled me up (In a reverse squat with her arm still on my head), then she clutched my arm. Everyone saw, what was I to do?
I still dont know what happened, I didnt expect them to come find me. And then, Tina curls up to me. The rest of the time, about twenty minutes, what was I to do? I just kinda kept my distance, not bumping next to her but still relitively close. There was plenty I could have done, but I was afriad of what happened before.
Next, we all went home. It was about a twenty minute ride, Me, Tina, Ku all in the back. Near the end, Ku repeatedly tried to put his head on Tina's shoulder, probibly feeling left out over what happened earlier. Tina then instincively put her head on mine, away from Ku.
I didnt know what to do, so I kind of scooted over, but didnt push her off.
How do I get it across that I like this stuff, but im afraid she doesnt? This really confuses me, so all I can do is just sit back and accept it.
Also, I have a picture from the school paper of me and Tina playing DDR at the arcade. I'll post it on my site and link it here, along with the article. That is, once I get my scanner hooked up, probibly tomarrow.
Thursday, March 27, 2003 :::
I dont feel like taking the time to elaborate.
Basically, I blabbed. Tina got on today, and everything spilled out.
She now knows I like her, and I copy//pasted what Kai said from my blog.
However, I refuse to find out who Kai likes. If she says I dont know him, then I probibly dont know him. No more to it.
Its alright now. Writing about it really helped. But now, I have more on my mind, much different than the last post.
"Its not possible to actually hate someone unless you have loved them". Tina told me that a while back, when katherine was brought up.
I knew this would happen. In spanish, I've gotten stuck with her in a group. Even worse, I took some of her friends (Tina, Marin, to name a few), and she now seems to have enough courage to hang out with them, even if im already there. Its almost as if im more afraid of her now, but that is not the case.
katherine never liked me the way I liked her. She less than tolerated me, she pretty much had an idea of the abitions behind my being friendly to her at the begining of the year. I see that now.
Does anyone else get the feeling this is exactly like the plot behind Great Expectations? Pip left his first life with Ms. Havisham and then met new freinds through Herbert, and in the end its all tied back together with the convict being the father of Estella and the person going to marry Ms. Havisham, he becomes related to everyone.
I left my first life (actually my second), being inflatuated with katherine and having the friends I did, then meeting new friends and finding out they're all good friends with katherine.
However, that aside, I now have to work with her in spanish. It's only two days, but i find my entire group to be shy (yes, katherine is shy, dispite what you may believe). katherine is of course the most talkative, and the other two are very quiet. It seems we together did pretty much all the work today (me and katherine). This probibly means nothing for the direct future, however after she loses her boyfriend (its bound to happen SOME TIME), Tina might become her next best friend, and unfortunately me being "Tina's bitch", will have to stick around her too.
Thats my insight. I was afraid she would never go away, and damn i couldnt have been more right.
Also another paragraph concening Kai (i seem to write more about her than Tina... I dont know why. I know more about Tina, but I guess Kai's life is just that much more interesting to write about. All in all, me and Tina pretty much have the same life, and blah blah blah).
I talked to her last night, and in the same exact fashion she did to me, I asked if she liked Robert.
It took a very long time, but the full answer came out (I tried to switch subjects twice but they both failed). All in all, we now know that she doesnt like Robert. Well, more I know, no one else knows this. I just wanna sit back and watch Ku and Tina try to hook them up; after all, It WAS my idea.
Kai doesnt like Robert, no, she likes someone else. I aparently dont know him, and I probibly could've gotten a full name outa her, but I didnt really feel like it. I trust her that I dont know him.
Also released is that "Wu's" (her and Herbert's last name), "Wu's are very shy around the person they like. So if you see me being shy around anyone.... [cut] The reason im like that to Robert is because I feel comfortable around him"
I dont know why shes so attachec to Robert, Robert isnt any nicer than me (that is what she looks for, if Tina told me correctly). Ku's definately not as nice as either of us... I think I know why. I'm tall, and although i'm still pretty much physically incapable of hurting someone, she probibly feels daunted by me. After all, I'm tall (6'4), and shes VERY short for her age. I dont know her exact height, but the top of her head is around my mid to lower chest. Tina, Ku, Jordan, and Robert are all pretty much around my chin, Robert being a little above that.
Yeah, thats it, Kai feels intimidated. Poor her.
Also, to tie this all up, katherine was brought up when I was talking to Tina just the day before. The details arent important. It was brief, and all that was said was "yeah, she takes things too seriously like that".
Damnit Tina, I left my pants at your house! I need them back!
As for my little hypothetical social house, all is well,
And all is good.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003 :::
Sorry, yer in for a long one. Lots on my mind.
After I posted into my blog yesterday, i was wondering, "What's holding me back?"
It no longer about friends. I wanted to know what was holding me back from doing anything about Tina, i dont think she seriously knows I like her.
But, the answer, I discovered it right as my head hit my pillow. Its all on, "What if i fail?". What if she says no?
So what? Before, I could get over it, everything was so surreal anyway, moving on would be natural. But now, my daily life revolves around the group of friends Tina and I are contained in. If she were to say no, I couldnt bear seeing her. Ive already broken my ties, so id be forced to be with her on the bus. No, I couldnt hold that. I'd have to walk.
It would be my fault, so she would just go on normally, but I wouldn't be able to bear seeing my group of friends anymore, even without her, I wouldnt be able to bear the fact they knew I didnt even have a chance with someone who understands me. I'd have to disband, and become a Loner. No, this time, I couldnt have a single friend. I'd be back to my old self, only even worse off.
My life would go downhill, I couldnt bear seeing my friends anymore. I'd be forced to disband. Id be forced to become who I was before, only worse. I wouldnt have a single friend.
I threw my old life away, because I thought this one would be better. Even with a downside like this, it still is.
Normally it wouldnt matter, but now shes paying even less attention to me. When Ku's around, I'm ignored. On the bus, she still chooses her old friends over her new ones (which is Sarah vs me, respectively).
I dont think she understands what shes doing. Shes done the same thing as me, disbanded her past. However, in doing that, she isnt fast enough. It makes me sad when she chooses anyone else over me.
I wonder if any of this is going through Kai's head? No, I think shes too obsessed with Robert to know. I think they'd make a great couple.
My friend keeps telling me, "The only way to live truely is to live by your emotions", or something close. He's right. I dont think i'll ever be able to live if this keeps up.
Theres only two solutions to this that I can see. The first, and best, is if another comes along. That way, I wouldnt care much about Tina not giving me attention. The second I seem to have forgotten. It may have been if another comes along for Ku, and Tina sees he has no interest in her anymore, or it may have been if the lack of interest shows through in Ku, or if Tina finally gets the point. Something along those lines. Till then, ill just be myself and try to express that I feel left out to her.
Or maybe... hmm this just came to mind.
What if I just become less shy? I may get laughed at more than I am, but what if I just become my other self, the person that wants this and that. Ill push her to come with me to my locker, I'll push her to go where I want to go.
That may work, but yet again, what if she feels that Im forcing her with me, and begins hating me for that?
No, no that will never work. Nevermind.
Ill just be myself and do what I do best, subtly hint. Just inform her that I feel left out when Ku is around because of all the attention she gives him. Ive said something of this stregnth to her before, I know how she'll take it.
Yes, that does seem good. Good, yes. As for the rest of my life, there isnt much to report on today, because it was well.
And all is good.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003 :::
I dont know if i have much of a reason to write this blog anymore. It was to relive my depression, but that seems to have dissapeared by now.
Nothing eventful since the weekend. Nothing happened that weekend, and not until today has anything happened.
Well, I got bored and decided to chat with Kai, someone to talk to. We started talking, and it appears something has been bugging her about me.
Kai: you really like tina don't ya?
WinToilet: ROFL why was I expecting this question?
Kai: hehe
WinToilet: One might interpret that as so, I guess. What makes you ask? =)
Kai: just wondering
Kai: thats all
Kai: *stops while she's ahead*
We talked for a while both before and after that.
I dont know what brought it up, it had to have been bugging her for a while, because nothing really adnormal happened between us today. Everyone already knew about this, it was publicly (although informally) announced a while back. However, things like that arent too often taken seriously, which is why she used "really like", instead of leaving the "really" off.
Also another thing this whirlled off in my mind: when I sit next to her, I dont feel awkword. Normally, when I sit next to girls, I tend to feel awkword. Not only that, but I realized I rarely look in her face. I look in everyone's face, no matter guy or girl. But not Tina's...
I guess the only complaint I have is that she's been giving Ku more attention than me lately; and my cute nickname "bebe" seems to have dissapeared.
I dont know what to think anymore, but I want to leave my personal feelings out of it for now.
Im not myself anymore, ive changed. For the better. I was once a pervert, but now, I can only act like one.
It is all good, as of now. I dont want it to be disturbed, but I cant help feeling ignored lately, even if i am alone with her tons and she isnt with Ku much. I just, cant help human emotion. All I can do is just live like I am now, happy.
And all is good.
Saturday, March 22, 2003 :::
I did forget some things in the last post, well, more recent things.
The past is now hazy, and there is not much to remember, and even less I want to remember. Ill review my blog when it gets closer to may, and around May 4th or the begining of May, i'll review my life thusfar. Be prepared, im gonna spend a long time writing something like that =)
First a note, any recent events containing a "Katherine", "Kat", or mostly "Kai", refer to Katherine, Herbet's sister and Tina's friend that she'd actually rather not have. But blah, we already know that...
For one, it probibly means nothing, but Kai seems to feel a need to take my attention whenever no one else is, or when we are left alone or happen to be next to another. Either she'll start a story, say Hi, or do both in reverse sequential order. I doubt it means anything at all, as she seems to fancy Robert (both me and Tina have noticed, I believe ku is naive to this), and its probibly just her trying to be "Cute". I dont quite get it.
And as for the second thing, i was playing Tetris online with Kai and Rob when all of a sudden Michelle (Ku's sis) messaged me. We went to Ku's house today, and saw her, but still, what she said struck me by surprise:
"rabidsnowbunny: dose that re-tina gurl like u?"
Of course she reversed my "abnormally large retina" joke and make retina into re-Tina, as she now calls Tina that when talking to me. Dispite her horrible grammer and spelling, i never considered anything like that... I am quite curious myself as to if she is begining to like me.
I faintly remember her when she Liked Jordan (although i personally knew neither at the time), and she would almost do the same exact thing with him that shes doing to me now, personality-wise. I never connected it until now, and im pretty sure Michelle would have picked up on it if it were real, shes got a sense like that.
So... that is kind of revealing, eh? Well, what to do with this new info? I dont think im quite ready for a g/f, but i dont want to hurt her further after that whole Jordan thing. Although she is perfectly normal, actually better than thaqt, right now, me turning her down would kill her. So, I have to be perpously naive. It still might be both our mis-perceptions at work, she may just value me as a friend//slave more. Theres no way to tell. But as for now, i like now. The present is well.
And all is good.
Friday, March 21, 2003 :::
Sometimes, i feel jelous. Sometimes, I feel lonely.
Sometimes, I feel that all these emotions are easily drained out of me by a joke or just simply walking somewhere, with the group.
All week I have been flooded by homework, so much that I couldnt even post. Also, all week, I have been doing stuff. Monday and tuesday i was flooded, and wednesday to today I was doing stuff after school and still had homework. I should be better now, though.
Wednesday began my feeling of loneliness. We hung out after school, and ended up going to Mountasia. The group was Me, Ku, Tina and Kai. Basically, Mountasia didnt open till 4, so we had 30 minutes to spare went into the mall and had some food and drink. The "Big issue" was sharing drinks, at first we segregated but eventually me, Tina, and Ku all reached an agreement. Kai, however, refused to share straws.
We then went to Mountasia, and we played DDR. Well, I was on the machine the whole time, and pretty much paid for everyone else to play (Mainly Ku). I played for a whole hour, and damn, does it show.
Thursday was the peak of my lonliness, i almost thought I would slip back into depression. Now, I know, im over it. However, the whole time I was afraid to get close to Tina, as I remembered "If you dont stop that, ill start treating you like Katherine". However, the events of that meeting are miniscule, and it was all cleared up hours later on the ride home, "Oh no no, thats a different thing entirely".
Friday, today, it has been confirmed. It appears, I am Tina's bitch. Well, no, thats the terminology that seems to be agreed among the tight circle of friends i have, more like im her servant. However, this isnt a one-sided deal. I get what I want, and she managed to just offload pretty much all her stuff on me. I get main carrying rights to her stuff, and she seems to give me cute nicknames (she was given the nickname "Tina-bebe" by some random person while back, now she calls me "Bebe"). Also, we are very playful, at least me+ku are to her, but shes only playful back to me, which I guess is good. Getting stuck at subway today, I noticed something I didnt before: every time she sat down, it was facing me, each time, closer. First, it was the seat diagnal-over, she was turned. Then, the seat across the aisle from me. Then, on the bench directly across from me, not only that, but consistantly staring at me. Im not a pretty sight, might i say, so I moved back in my seat. It seems she didnt turn her head.
Whenever we walk and talk, neither of us turn our heads toward eachother when talking, we just keep staring at the same direction.
Either way, it seems she favors me over others, so I feel special! ("Yeah, we need to go, and Todd, you're walking with me") However, being known as Tina's bitch is a bit disturbing, and not to mention, I cant shake it now as I once did. I even had to carry her CD case, which i borrowed, around school, as she refused to have it back just yet. It came in handy as a weapon to hit Ku and Rob with.
However, Thursday night, as i was reading the Great BORING Expectations, a thought, rather, of someone, couldnt stop passing through my mind. Akina... And i cant figure out why. Thursday morning, as I was walking, I encountered her and talked a bit to her, but that was the most of it. Shes nice and everything, but i see no interest flying either way. Her friend, Jennifer, however, seems to be popping up freaking everywhere I am (at first, I found out I knew her cousin, Alex).
But now, I encountered Jennifer today. I was with my friends, and she had some of hers, so what little conversation happened was miniscule, however, she patted my head as she walked by me. Ku immediately yelled out my name and something about a "Bitch-Master", and when he did that, I instantly took notice of something else too: she keeps winking at me, and her tone of voice is definately softer with me. It could be my imagination, and a false alarm, as she already has a B/f. It was Kelvin, but today I saw her hugging a different guy (and reaching in for what looked to be a kiss) right after I talked with her. Ive never taken much interest in her, except returning her friendliness.
Well, it appears my relations have tightened. It has come to my attention that all my Junior friends will be gone by the time I become a Junior, however, at that same time, Michelle and her friends will become ninth graders. So, my friend base is once again secured, assming my ties with Ku are not severed.
Also assuming my current relations remain Intact, i might just follow these people into College. UT is where tina plans on going, and Kai could probibly get into MIT or something; its safe to say most might go into UT, so I might was well follow suit. Their orchestra program is pretty good also, I hear.
My relations tied secure, my future in place, all I got to do is ride this baby till it falls over dead.
And all is good.
Monday, March 17, 2003 :::
The depression I felt, its gone.
My life, is new.
I have everything I wished for six months ago.
The girl i like even wants to come over to my house. Thats something i could only dream about when I liked katherine, and now, its all clear.
My past has even reached atonement. The only remnant of my past friends I will have now is Herbert, due to him being Katherine's brother. Or rather, Katherine being his sister. Whatever.
Why did my past even need atoned?
Well, today I did the last part. I relinquished my ride. I rode with Michael, one of my depressed/loner/gamer buddies. No more. Now, I take the bus. I feel it better if I just let the past go like that. I have a life now, and if I lose my past, I might just be able to lose my depression. Its already almost gone.
The first stage was of course gaining a connection; the anime club seemed to serve just that perpouse. Thanks to Ku, that is. But, that's not all. I was still depressed then, thankfully, i didnt make any friends quite yet.
But now, I have to thank Monica most. I almost got out of full-depression, when I saw katherine's boyfriend. That hurt. Thanks to Monica, I managed to get over my depression. I am fully convinced she is a gift from heaven, but not my destiny.
All I can do is pray my life gets better, and that the last hole is filled. But somehow, it already feels quite complete.
Even in this new life have I found a role model, the most unlikely one too. Kai. I seem to look up to her, admire her. Shes got everything, shes cute, and probibly gets guys proposing to her alot, but she seems still open and unreserved, as if just waiting for the right guy. Or... nah, shes straight. But thats not what I look up to her for. No matter what, she still seems to stay focused and gets what needs to be done, done. She has way more homework than me, and does it. She has way harder classes than ill ever have, and still does good in them. Much better than I'll do. She may be much smarter than me, but still, its her detirmination i look up to. However, even through all that, Im definately begining to see what Tina said about Kai. Shes cute and everything, but i think the thing that keeps me from doing anything is her lack of depth; i get the feeling theres nothing below that cute face. However, at the same time, I cant find anything wrong with what I see. Yet, even through all that, I still look up to her. Except socially, she still kind of feels a little left out in big crowds. I guess maybe I need to help her there =). Tina however, doesnt seem so superficial. Theres definately more to her, and much of it ive witnessed first hand, but still...
Must I praise the one who finally got her hair cut? Oh well, all is well in the Todd house. No more waiting is needed.
All that i've waited for is here, all that ive wished for is here, all that ive wanted is here, all that ive needed is here, all that ive prayed for is here, all but the hole in the crust. But as for now, my life is complete,
And all is good.
Friday, March 14, 2003 :::
Im not sure what is wrong with me, is depression catching back up? But how could something like that happen?
Ive tried not to express emotions with smiley faces in my blog, but lately ive been pretty happy. My life is almost like what I dreamed it to be a year ago. Got lots of friends, i hang out with them regularly, and i even have a girl thats close to me.
Ill fill you in. the day i posted the last message, that night, I went to Jas's. There was a LAN party there, and lots of ppl too. Me, Jas, Craig, Robert, Spenn, and Ku were the guys, and for the Girls, there was Gabby and Kasha, Michelle, Holly; Holly's sis, Kate; and some other girl i didnt know. Everyone left except for me, ku, jas, jas's two sisters, rob and michelle, by the time we woke up.
We went to Hong Kong city Mall yet again later after we woke up. Everywhere we went in the mall; the food court, arcade, and some of the sotres reminded me of Tina. And to top off my depression, Michelle and Kasha were making fun of me and kept their distance.
For instance, after I got some Tapioka, I offered pretty much everyone a sip, and when i offered Michelle one, she asked "Did you spit in it?" After about 5 minutes she finally trusted me enough and took a sip of it. As if that wasnt bad enough
In the car ride home, i was forced to sit in the back with them, and they both crowded the left while i was on the right, about 3 feet between us. They even poked fun at my blackheads... Michelle deserves to die (shes definately the mastermind).
After I went home i was as cold as possible to Michelle online.
I had a dream that night, all that I can remember is walking out of class and down the hall seeing Tina with two guys, at first I thought Tina turned down a guy, but i was mistaken, it was the guy that turned down the other one. I didnt know them, but one had black bowl-cut hair and the other light brown hair, both wore white.
The next day, coincidently today, nothing eventful happened. I invited Tina over, shortly after we walked to Jas's house; then to Ku's house, then back to Jas's for a while, where we watched Ping Pong Club. We laughed, and I restrained myself. I was happy the whole time, even when we went back to Ku's house and I saw Michelle.
Then, all four of us, Ku and Jas included, walked to the Conoco, then me and Tina ran across the street. I walked her to her street, talking the whole way. I said goodbye, as did she, and right after i did, I felt really depressed. I didnt even look back, not at all. I took out my CD player once i thought she was out of eyeshot and played some songs. I walked around the lake in front of my neighborhood, then back into it and to my house. And now, I see it.
I have almost everything I wanted, friends, and im close to the girl I like. She even knows I like her. "I restrain myself", and she knows. Im trying hard not to put any moves on her (feeling her hair, arm around the shoulder, etc), at a risk of scareing her. I know what im doing is right, but do i have to feel so shitty doing it?
Maybe I should just admit everything and ask her opinion on it, I have for just about everything else. Shes a good friend, but I cant help but to want more from it.
Also, something Tina brought up, Michelle and all her friends will be in high school by the time im a Junior. And with how close Ku and Michelle are, no doubt i'll be hanging out with them alot. So, I guess, my friend base is secured, less I screw this one up too.
A year ago, I could do nothing but dream of a life like this, i thought id be a loner all my life. Six months ago, I realized my dreams were closer than I though, but still out of reach. Now, Ive got everything I would have wished for a year ago, friends, a life, everything but a Girlfriend. The more I think about it though, the more I dont think Im ready for one yet. Id need a better first, someone with experience, or at least someone dominant.
I said all my dreams would come true in time, and im closer than ever before. I best not screw this one up.
Just wait.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003 :::
Let me just mention first that asian Katherine is also mentioned as Kat and Kai.
"Just net these displays..."
Was how the dream ended, or close to it. What happened in the dream is too weird to explain hjere, we had to make kites out of logs, play baseball, buy a shake, do internet research, and my team failed miserably. Scene switch and I was in my old Athletics class, getting dressed out. Realized I forgot to put my His and Hers 3 DVD in my backpack too late, i was already running to where the coach told me while ebveryone else walked (feeling energetic). I got there early, and no one came, i dropped my dvd on accident, and searched for it. I couldnt find it, so I helped the guy close the store. I think i knew him, but who he was wasnt important. "Just net these displays... Dont worry about the back ones, Holly and Kate will get those"
How had my blog been reducted to dreams? Well, when you sleep for 15 hours, sleep becomes a big part of your day =)
It all started with the LAN party the day before (monday). Tina and Katherine came over, overall we watched Orgasmo, then Tina left (With her parents. They seemed nice, lease his dad). Kat left later, after (A LOT OF) DDR. I always sweat like a hog, but even she broke a sweat! We played for a LONG TIME. Spenn also came over, and while me and Kat played DDR he had his DC hooked up, he played Jet Grind Radio and other games he just bought. He left about 10:30.
After she left, (musta been after 11:20, cuz she left a couple min after the pizza got here), we watched Boondock Saints. That movie STILL KICKS ASS! We played some CS, then Craig went on a porn fest. It was only me, Rob, Herb (whom Kat brought), Craig, and Ku left.
None of us fell asleep, and frankly, I dont know what we did past about 2:00. I guess from 2-8 we just watched Craig sort through his porn or something, cuz after that we all danced on our keyboards. AKA Stepmania (stepmania.com). I found some awesome packs for it, even one with a buncha anime themes!
Kat then came over about 10 or so, i dont remember, she Kidnapped Herb and took him home. I think I invited her over, and she claimed Tina couldnt come. Craig left about 10 or so.
Later, about noon, me and rob were playing tetris with Kat, and all of a sudden Kat and Tina came over again. I talked to Tina for a while, and she brought my stuff back (She borrowed my Cowboy Bebop DVDs and Manga). Tina stayed for about 40 minutes (i pretty much had to force her to stay over 20 minutes, i mean who stays for only twenty minutes?). In it however, she commented how good of buddies me and Ku were. Ive only known Tina for three months now, and Ku for about six months now... Looks like ive got me new friends. After she left, me and Ku walked her home. Ku now knows what street she lives on (Ive known where she lives since the first time I walked her home). We left Kat and Rob alone for over twenty minutes.
To my (unfortunate) surprise, nothing had happened. They were still playing tetris. Since Kat had circumvented my computer, I sat on the couch nostaligically. "Are you bored? Am I hogging your computer?" appeared only once out of Kats mouth, and I replied "No". But yet, I was serious, because just watching her play tetris was fun enough (because i remembered seeing her as an untouchable friend's sis when i saw her at the first Anime Club meeting, and yet now look, she has taken over my computer!). Nah, i think Kat has grown too attched to Rob personally, too much for my tastes (as i said to Tina, I'm an "Attention freak". Doesnt matter if I like the girl or no, if i dotn get attention, i have to argue with myself just so that I dont take it personally).
We all played DDR while Ku fell asleep. Kus sis came by and saw my house, I told her to go wake Ku up (I was expecting him to freak out, but to my dismay, nothing). We put Kus stuff in the trunk then he left.
Me rob and Kat (mainly me and Kat) played DDR for a while.
Rob had to leave about 3, and Kat wanted to leave with him (Citing being in a home alone with a guy as the reason).
However, that was my exact reason for begging her to stay (Being home alone unless she stays), as my mom left. She played one more round of DDR, then I almost begged her to stay, but i cought myself and she left while i still had at least some dignity left. It was now 3.
I was talking to Tina for about 20 minutes while playing DDR, and contuinuted that talk, more in depth after Kat left. We didnt talk about much important, but she said she might come over and at the end (almost 4 o'clock), she asked my phone number (which i gave) and she said shed call me in an hour. I stayed up till 5, then played stepmania until 5:20, in which i said "Screw it" and went to bed with the phone.
... she never called.
But, overall, my day was happy. I learned Kai was very... well... flirtacious. While watching her and Rob play DDR, lets just say that she seemed pretty unconcious that she was in a room full with guys, and that she was a girl.
Overall though, unless my "overactive sex drive" kicks in sometime soon, I should be just fine with my new friends (Kai and Tina), even if the latter doesnt like the former too much. But it works ,as sometimes Kai is the only one that is able to get Tina out of her house (due to parents).
And thats nor even mentioning what we did sunday (spent the night at Ku's).
Already the light is shining brighter. It seems I now have a life, and no one can prove me wrong.
And yet Spring break isnt even done yet!!!
"Have you ever wanted to become friends with someone that you dont know well?"
"No, not really, im firneds with all the ppl i want to be"
I said that to Brent over a year ago, and the second line was what he replied.
And well now, although I still would like to become friends with some people, i am plenty happy with the friends i got right now.
Saturday, March 08, 2003 :::
Okay, i think ive got it under straps now.
Again, ive waited to post. I blatently pointed out that I liked Holly, in a conversation with her, and she didnt take the hint. At the end, "So, do you like me?" "How about you give me some time to think about it, and i'll tell you the next time I see you."
I actually like Tina. She also knows it (she cites Jordan telling her, as I knew he would). Ive confessed to her face. However, I also said its better which we remain friends. At the begining of that chat i was feeling really depressed, because she wasnt very nice to me that day "If you dont stop that, im going to start treating you like Katherine", which freaked the hell out of me. She keeps talking smack about Katherine. I pretty much stayed a distance, afraid.
Also last post I ended it with "Tina is turning into a tomboy", that was just depressed me talking. Shes actually quite nice. Just yesterday was the proving grounds, we both went to the LAN party at Rob's house (of course together, with Katherine, my dad driving), and they hung out and played DDR for a while, left at 9:30. It was espically nice, because she seemed overwhelimgly friendly toward me. Call me a fruit if you will, but Katherine and Tina walked in on me in the other bedroom (I was meditating, read: relaxing), and then we all three got cought "about to have 'wild sex'", whe immediately Tina sat down and got close to me. I sat up (I was laying down) and returned the favor, putting my arm around her waist. I dont think it means anything at all, but it was funny. Nonetheless, someone who wasnt your close friend wouldnt do that.
Not to mention Arielle-close, which is just scary. Her and her sister were 'Massaging' eachother a while, hugging, pretty much everything but actually making out and doing it. She also felt the need to sit on my crotch... several times. Deliberately, too. My poor balls...
After Tina left, she aparently got no hell from home.
Jas was also at the party yesterday, MY GOD he looks SO DIFFERENT with short hair!!! I dont think I could survive in a Millitary School with all guys, as if this blog isnt proof enough.
I mentioned my conversation with Holly earlier. It happened on monday, no word from/to her since. I wouldnt doubt id see her sometime this week though.
Monica isnt normally appearing in my thoughts anymore.. shes cute and all, but...
Akina is a japanese girl in my Orchestra class. I do believe shes been mentioned before. Shes the doughter of the master of the place i plan on taking Karate at. Kenshin Kai is the name of the place. Somehow, I think I get the impression she thinks I like her. Long chain, but let me explain.
Friday, I had to ride the bus. Me and Tina sat together in the front, and due to my 'distraction', once we got off, I forgot to go to my locker.
I managed to sneak it in between second and third period. I saw Monique there, (as she has the locker next to me), I noticed Thai leaving, and Akina was standing right in front of my locker.
*Head rub*, "Would you mind moving?"
"Oh im sorry" she moves to the side. As I get my book, she says "I didnt know you came here"
"I normally dont"
"Oh"
The head rub. I do it to almost evey girl i consider 'Inferior' (As i dont do it much to Tina), or to any girl I like (But i still do it SOME =). I was just being friendly and 'cute', but i think she took it the wrong way. She actually greeted me before sixth period, and I didnt know who it was till too late. I noticed her also looking in my direction alot during class.. freakier, alot of girls were. Heather wouldnt take her eyes off of me, Monique and Akina i cought frequently looking at me, and well Monica sits next to me.
No normal guy would consider this odd... but im fat and ugly!!! How, or why, would anyone want to stare at me?!
Questions like that sometimes best remained unsanswered. This whole Akina thing could be my mis-interpretaion, but we never know. Ill just have to find out =)
If I think of anything else, I'll post it.
Till then, nothing to do but
Just wait.
Sunday, March 02, 2003 :::
I didnt post for a reason. Alot has happened, we went to the Mall on friday and stuff. Not what you think.
After I posted, Jennifer picked me up. Katherine and Jen to the front, me and Tina to the back. We went to Ihop, where we met up with the others. I refused to leave Tina's side (due to my shyness). It caused some problems, but we found seating enough for the 10 of us.
After we ate, we went to frys. I sat next to Tina, Ku on the other side on the way. Her hair is so sofT! Again, I refused to leave Tina's side. We got some stuff, then bought it. iMac's are SOO COOL!!!! Tina's hair is so soft!!!
Ku called me a rapist. I guess feeling someone's hair so much isnt exactly 'normal', but the night before I did get a chance to feel Michelle, Becca, and Holly's hair. Holly's is exactly like mine! Dont ask, they volenteered themselves.
We then went to Hong Kong mall. IT took over an hour and a half, so Katherine had to leave early. But, we had half an hour there. We quickly found the arcade, and I spent $6 on DDR 3rd mix Korean ver2. I seem to sweat alot there...
Katherine had to leave. Tina wanted to go with her. So, it was me, Spenn, Jordan, Ku, and Robert left. Chase had to take Tina and Katherine. I spent the rest of my money on some food, and we went and browsed stuff. Spenn, recently turned 18, so he bought (you guessed it), porn. Hentai, to be exact. Hope he had fun =)
We browsed more stores, then left. It took an hour and a half. We stopped by Gamestop and such, and it took an hour and a half to get back. I went to Ku's house, along with Robert. We played some DDR, watched him play his new game, Xenosaga, then we left. He took me home, about 9.
"Tina stopped by"
Did she run away?
"Did she have any stuff with her?"
"Nope"
Phew. But wait! Thats exactrly why I didnt post, for the next 24 hours I was worried as hell. Tina has been talking about running away- my house the first destination. However, ive gotten enough time to think about it, and now, last night, she told us the story.
Aparently, she had a box with her manga outside and the door locked. She DID go against her parents will, after all. So she stopped to her closest friend- Katherine. Her parents called shortly after, and this is where i get confused. They told her that she needed to come home or else they wold charge Katherine's parents for kidnapping. However, they locked her out. But then, she leaves her stuff there and just takes a CD case to my house. Thats where she talked to my parents- just saying hi and asking if i was there. Since I wasnt home, she left, walked around the neighborhood, then went home aparently. She was told to go upstairs, where she has remained (except when needing food), aparently at least till last night. I havent heard from her since.
Ill hear from her tomarrow. More then.
But what happened after all that? Friday night, I told Michelle, "I am interested in Holly". It is now a known fact- at least to her- that I "Like" holly, even though I never used those words (this was desired). If Tina's parents are going to be like this when she was out with some girls, I dont want to know how they would feel of herh aving a boyfriend- not to mentions how much of a chance I have. Sure, shes even said she 'wouldnt say no', but that doesnt speak for her parents.
This is an oppertunity, and I will not pass it up. "I am interested in Holly", she is, after all, cute, and was born on the same day as me a year later. Her parents seem nice enough, from what ive heard, so, shes most likely. I think she already has the impression I like her, maybe as a friend. However, all the talking I did with Becca (she talks so much we might as well have been friends for years), she might not get the point. Next time I see her, looks like I'll just have to prove it to her.
Tina is turning into a tomboy, and well if im going to be nothing special, I dont want to be anyway. Those are the only points justifying my decision... dispite the fact I like Tina, more than Holly. Those are my true feelings, but as of now, I want to go out with Holly.
