Sunday, December 29, 2002 :::
Hmm well i guess i'll start off with an interesting quote... i got alot to say.
"With insomnia, you're never really asleep; you're never really awake, either." -Fight Club
Does this explain Katherine? Well... I dont know. I really dont know about my past loves any more... all i know after watching His and Her Circumstances 1 is that i just need to move on. Forget Katherine, forget Lauren. If some chance Circumstances bring me together with Katherine or Lauren (again) then i wont back down. I'll make conversation, see how far my mind can go with it. But that probibly won't happen.
I was thinking about it. At the movies, I saw lauren on the 18th. I said "Hi!" to her, but only Courtney waved back. If that happens, or something similar to it, ever again, I'm going to do what Arima did in His and Her. I will run after her. That is definately not a time to be passive.
What is more likely is that I will get closer to Monica. "Ther person you're most likely to fall in love with is the person you least expected", Damn His and Her Circumstances for being right.
It's totally right. I didn't expect... at all... to fall in love with Monica. At the begining of His and Her, Arima confesses his love for Yukino. She of course rejects him. Then he uses her to do his school work, in order to get closer to him. She gets mad, thinks he doesnt care, and refuses one day. He thinks she was mad at him for doing work. But, later, they are stuck in a rainstorm, and are the only ones left at school. Arima confesses his love, more seriously, and eventually (after a week) Yukino holds his hand near the end of the first semester of school (they're freshmen, 10th grade in japan). And so, they start going out.
Well... That is as far as i want this to go. So far. I was planning on asking Monica out during our trip to Chorpus Christi in march, you know, knocking on her door, asking for her to take a walk with me, and then do it then. That way, no matter if i get hurt, it's just a trip. but, that's march. I dunno if i can wait that long.
So i came up with this.
If we can still send roses during Valentine's day, then I will send four.
One will be to Katherine, "What you did hurt me... All i wanted to be was friends. -Todd"
Another to Lauren, "It still hurts, you know. I'd still like to get closer, friends? -Todd" or something like that.
A third to Monica, "From someone, with a special perpouse. -Todd"
And a fourth, of couse "Love thyself above all else. -Todd"
Well... all i know is that I just need to keep on with the future. The past will come back to me, be it soon or late, i will take it when it gets here. Till then, flow.
"You need to be smooth, smooth like water" - Spike, Cowboy Bebop
Oh yeah. Monique never gave me that present.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002 :::
sorry, i had alot of pending events yesterday so I didnt post.
As for birthday presents, to round out my list...
Lindsey (of whom i speak to rarely now) found out about my birthday and have me a bag of candy today. She had alot of them.
As for Herb, i got my Strawberry Eggs DVD2. Now i need the first, third, and fourth.
As for Monique, she's insisting on getting me a birthday gift. I'm assuming its going to just be candy, but she really wont let go of it. She forgot today. I said, "After saying that, you better not go back on your word". AKA I dont really expect anything, but if you promise to get me something don't turn up with nothing!!!
Christmas eve will be rough. Because of my cousin's death, my aunt Debbie has been traumatized. I will probibly have to be out of the area of everyone else most of the time. This year it's at my Aunt Merilee's house.
Ugh. Well, Christmas is 8 days away, and finals week is here. Took my sixth period (Orchestra) final today. Will take my first and second (English and Biology) tomarrow, third and fourth (Geometry and Spanish) on thursday, and my fifth (Geography) on friday.
W00t. Having semi-popular sorta-friends is cool. I guess.
And as for why i dont hang out with Lindsey anymore.... it's because her feeling of pureness is so great that I feel inferior.... Actually, we just dont mix. I'm not a religious nut. I'm a open-minded scientific kinda guy. Plus... I seem to fall in love with any girl I get close to. Even my summer camp between 7th and 8th grade proved that, with Jennifer Abendroth. Unfortunately, I still can recall her name. I dont know how much longer I can holdf the truth from Monica....
Yes, I like her. But... she is not the one.
I AM SO FAR PAST CONFUSED.... SOMEONE GIVE ME A SIGN!
And contrary to what this blog makes me look like, I do lead a semi-normal non-girl-concentric life. It's just that I only post about important events in my day. And also I origionally started this blog as an emotional release for my girl problems.
And as for a little me update, I'm normal now. Perfectly fine, by my friend's standards. Not obsessed with any particular girl. Dispite what my blog says. Yes... sure it's on my mind, but being with my friends is different. I no longer seek out any girl. When I meet them, I meet them, and when I dont, I dont. No more staring across the lunch room.
Although.... I do wonder when Monica will realize that I'm checking her out when I quickly glance over at her. Every day I expect Monique to be a personal Irene.
Irene's ignorance amazes me. I crossed her in the lunch room, cant remember what she was talking about, but do recall thinking "You know, Irene, sometimes your ignorance amazes me" then laughing evilly as i walked out of earshot.
MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
And although getting laid is no longer a primary goal, it is a secondary goal. A primary goal is now getting a girlfriend.
Which i need help with. If you want to help, e-mail me at my new adress, psyde@ffradio.net
Sunday, December 15, 2002 :::
The RIAA is getting rediculus.
My view on Internet Radio is that it' should be free. So should regular radio.
Paying for wavelegnths (and bandwith) is OK. If we didnt pay for wavelegnths, then people would be all over them. And someone's gotta maintain the center of the internet.
As for the music, it should be like commercials. Commercials are a preview, and attract an audience. If songs on the radio didnt exist, then albums would sell less. The less a song is played, the less the album sells. So shouldn't they pay to get their songs heard, instead of collect for every time their song is played? Since their song is more like an advertisement than a medium.
Internet radio is no different. They should not be charged, because playing a song makes you want to buy the album more.
After all, isnt the internet more like a lobby of a hotel than my personal computer? If i play a song in a lobby on my boombox, I shouldnt get charged. No one would. If I play a song on the stereo while my friend's over, I wouldnt get charged. No one would. So why is the internet any different? It's not unlimited, theres only so much bandwith to go around (like floorspace). So then why is it so different?
Why is the RIAA one big asshole? They're just as smart as one. OMG OMG THEY ARRESTED PEOPLE FOR BURNING CD'S OMG I WILL GET ATRRESTED FOR BURNING CD'S!
Piracy is going to happen no matter what. Every medium can, and will be pirated. As long as it can be played, there is a way to pirate it.
The RIAA should be shot for wasting their budget. They're only proving their ignorance. Instead, they should look over at China and Russia. HK(Hong Kong) has become a rhitoric for pirated (ever seen someone refer to a game as an "HK copy"?). Instead of stopping piracy at its current level, prevent it from reaching it's next level. RIAA, instead of being a buinch of assholes, do something. Instead of confiscating revenue for something you dont own, just try to prevent US from becoming another rhitoric for pirated. You'll save TONS of money, and therefore help the US economy, AND still retain the same outcome.
Yeah, i know everyone and their cat has written one of these, but I couldnt help it. Hope you like it ;)
I'm in a pickle.
I know Monica's not the one. She's only been in one dream, as opposed to the thousands Katherine was in.
The dream was about me having a party, and Inviting Stev-o and Kyle as the first two guests, and Monica as the only girl. Weird, considering Stev-o and Kyle are prettyu distant friends.
And, Sam(antha) dreamt about me. She even told me, "I had a dream about you". All the details i could get out was "It's nothing nasty". However, nether were any of my love dreams.... (okay only one, but thats out of hundreds).
Amanda is frendly with everyone. Oh, i forgot to explain.
I waited for over an hour after school cuz my ride was late on thrusday. Near the end, this girl came up and was curious about what I was reading. I showed her it, she took a look, and curled up next to me. Real close, like, touching me. Later I found out that was normal for her. Her, me, and some other people talked after our first performance that night while waiting for our second (about an hour between).
Well, Amanda's only being friendly to me because... that's her. No matter, its still in my head.
And to round it our, After two tried I sucessfully gave Monique a Piggy-back ride. She asked me, and then our first attempt she fell off. I figured out a different way, and after a little begging she agreed, and Instead of her just grabbing onto me I also grabbed onto her and took her acroos the floor before she wanted down. "I was only kidding". But you're so cuute! Ok.... that came out of nowhere.
But thats not the real reason i'm posting.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002 :::
If she's not the one, then what pushed me to do it?
I'm talking about Monica. Lately, i've been questioning why I like her so much. I've realized that she's not the one, not the one for me. Alot of thought brought me to that. No, if anyone is, Katherine is.. or at least was. But she's so much like my mom... and I dislike my mom.
But today, I got a big urge. Big, like, i felt really guilty and had to let it out that I did it. But, i didnt do anything... before it. Here.
It was rehersal, I was sitting next to her in the back corner of the Centrum (big concert hall). My hand was moving on its own and my heart was pounding, straight toward her boobs. I moved it away and let it dangle. Then it moved straight toward her ass, this time me guiding it (it wouldnt stop movin g though, and my heart was racing too fast to slow it now) My finger brushed up against her ass, and i saw her jerk around suddenly. I brought my hand up and looked at it like "WTF WAS THAT?". I had no excuses planned, but "I was streching" and a thousand "Sorry"'s escaped my throat. Man... had I know she would have reacted so harshly... I just didnt want relations to trouble. I think we are okay. We were talking as if nothing happened by the end.
But still... i know she's not the one.... so then why am i like this? Why? I wish i knew....
And also, ive figured out, that high school students dont look for "the one", they look for a positive person. No, nothing is permanant at this age. So, as long as I stay as myself, a girl will cross my path that will allow me to do what I want. Which will I do the same for her. Just till that day.... Looks like i'll just have to be patient and wait, and not rush things. I'll know when its time.
But as an argument against that, I myself have liked alot of girls that I could stand. Most of them I never, or at least rarely, engaged in friendly conversation with. Maybe the girl i speak of is the same as me?
Guess i'll never know. I'll just have to wait. After all, the fact that she is not the one for me just came to me, then I supported it. Maybe the same thing will happen with the one. Looks like that which is good comes to those who wait after all. Looks like I just gotta wait.
I guess that's all.
