Friday, August 30, 2002 :::
The puzzle is still missing some pieces.
Today was the dance. But, lets back ur a bit.
Earlier today... lets see.... what did i talk about? Katherine wore her goth outfit- black jeans, tall black boots, and a black tank top. She talked about where she hangs out in the morning, and gave me a story of what happened. The story isnt very important, lets just say some kids liked her outfit, and her drawings. What more important, is that goth is being shoved down her throat- disguised nicely. Lets create a metaphor- choclate cake (niceness) plauged with arsenic.
Tiffany knows i exist, but she continusually denies it. I know she saw me going to geography today, however, i am sure she saw my head down and thought i didnt see her so she just kept on.
Which leads us straight to the dance. I did exactly what i vowed never to do- hang out with my friends at the dance. I regret it, for now my friends know of my love for Katherine. I explained to only one of them, privately, that my affection is mainly from my dreams. When you have dreams about a girl, you know you like her. However you slice the pie though, we only talked twice- once when i got out of the car (she was RIGHT THERE) and again later when i finally got guts to intercept her- she kept avoiding me. My only guess is that she didnt like the last time we danced, aparently i sucked, and she thought that any conversation i initated would end up in me asking her to dance. I dont blame her, she was right. The only conversation we had, she quickly lied and ducked out while i thought of how stupid i was.
To elaborate, i asked her about something she said on wednesday in spanish, on the subject of anime i proclaimed the only japaneese i knew (she knows more) was from subtitled anime, mainly The Slayers. She commented that "You need to get around more". No other statement i can insert like that makes sence. However, when i asked her for any reccomendations, she quickly corrected me "*I* need to get around more, not you". However, that made no sence, and after 15 minutes of beating myself internally for being so stupid, i realised that she lied. Fair enough, but i still beat myself for her sake, i really liked her. We will never be more than aquaintances i'm afraid.
Disparsing my sorrow for myself, i decided to get a change of tone. Since Katherine obviously didnt want to have conversation with ME, i decided i would bug her when she was talking with Tiffany, whom she talked with earlier. Sadly, an hour and thirty minutes of watching either, they never spoke. It was 10:30 at that point.
I learned through my friend that she is acutally very nice- not mean. I watched her dance and talk for a while, and hes right.
My next move was to ask her to slow dance. However, i had to come up with an excuse for knowing her name. I thought about not mentioning it, but that would look weird. Linking it to Katherine would come to her asking Katherien about it, and that couldnt happen. My last choice would to just admit i have been stalking her, but that would make it sound bad, as it was mainly a series of coincidences. I'll never let Ayla go.
In the end i chickened out. I was going to initate some talk with her, but i guess staring at her didnt help. She definately noticed me, as she looked at me several times also.
Katherine is gone. Ill still be friends with her, but i must find another to ask out. She's obviously reserved...
So other than Tiffany, that leaves only Elise (Actual spelling, Allyse was misspelled). I saw her hanging out with some asians, and i thought about going over and talking to her, but forget it. She even saw me looking at her. No strong connection.
I saw Lindsey (freelancing) alot there too. Going near her was not even an option. I dont feel like explaining why im not like them.
And that concludes most important parts. The puzzle only had one piece missing, now someone has broken the puzzle and i must re-construct it with Tiffany. Lets just hope she is the missing piece.
Im looking forward to meeting her. Its my only option now. Im sure she doesnt have a b/f, or any real male friend at all. I have a good chance. She looked lonely dancing by herself at the slow dances, i felt really guilty by not asking her to dance.
I hope it all fits together. Maybe this time i can get over this obsticle and get on in life.
Tuesday, August 27, 2002 :::
On a scale of 2-17, im a 12.
This might be a long one, so bear with me.
The first issue, is some of ur interpretations. Some people (who shall not be named) have been commenting on my blog, aparently not realizing my state of mind. When i write this, i get EVERYTHING off of my mind. Its more of an emotional release than anything. And, sometimes, i refer to it if i ever forget something im certain i wrote about. My ONLY suggestions for reading this is if you want to find out something about me, but everything is exaduated. Things i talk about for 50 lines may have only been 5 minutes of my day. Keep that in mind. AND, i only mention people i am LEARNING about, NOT PEOPLE i already KNOW. You'll rarely hear me mention Michael, Herb, Kris, or most any other guys. I also know a few girls i do not mention in here, frankly, to be blunt, because i do not care about them.
The second topic up for discussion, is Katherine. Ive written about her plenty, but now, i know many more things FOR A FACT. Lets start with her family. She has a mom, and a dad. Her dad works for the Houston Chronicle, and writes an article every saturday which appears at the bottom of the "buissness" section. I used to read it, but do not anymore because he just usually gets alot of his topics from TechTV's The Screen Savers, which i watch daily.
She has a sister, of whom i wish i could remember her name, and no other siblings. I believe it begins with a J, and goes like Jesse, not like Jennifer. However, neither are her actual name. That is confirmed for sure now. She also has 5 cats, of which one might be given away soon. I feel very strongly for her, not specifically because of her cat, but because she is very... well... loud. Sometimes i consider asking her to the dance (this friday) right on the spot... but then immediately she speaks out in that voice that makes me cringe and just slap her mouth shut... to keep her from saying something stupid. She is not very athletic, although faint in my mind, she might have taken karate at one point, so she can probibly defend herself. However, when i am around her, i feel like i need to protect her. Similar (though not exact) to the relationship of Lina and Gourry in the Slayers. Lina can obviously take care of herself, however, Gourry is the obvious physical dominant.
Katherine mentioned her japaneese, of which slipped in my mind for a while, in spanish, and on that topic i mentioned i knew a few words. She spit out a sentance, very fast may i add, in which i cought nothing. To explain this, i told her the only japaneese i learn is from Subtitled anime. She asked which, and i answered "The slayers" She commented that "man you need to get around more", and then i procalimed that ive also Seen Final Fantasy Unlimited, althought it was only fansubbed. IT was too late, she was already diverted by Jeffery (the guy who sits behind her in spanish that is aparently a friend of hers) Aparently his new name is "Pokey". If any link will get me a tour of her house, this has the most potential.
On the way to geography, i spotted Tiffany (mentioned before). She DEFINATELY saw me She wouldnt stop staring at me, all evil-eyed, as if she knew i did something and was going to blackmail me with it! Man those eyes are so evil.... The only reason i even mention her at all is because Katherine sits with her at lunch. Aparently they know eachother. At least she laughs there... maybe she wasnt in a good mood. Wll maybe ill see her at the dance, get some more ovservations.
Allyse (misspell? But defenitely right name) has a b/f already. Although i wasnt seriously considering asking her out, she was a candidate. Aparently she must of thought i was hitting on her, that or im just too ugly for her. Hes an asian guy, shorter than me, much skinnier, and probibly better looking. Sorry, dont got good judgement on those issues. But this confirms that Allyse IS asian. Not like it was hard to tell, but i confuse them and native americans.
A new mention to my blog, Akina, is running for class rep. Shes definately Japaneese, and any japaneese link arouses my sences. Shes aparently a kooky girl, and has many friends. That is all i can confirm for now about her.
And no other details are released. Why? Because only the females in my life are interesting. Real reason: Boring. Official reason: To protect the innocent. Not a reason: To save the whales.
Maybe my blog just depresses people too much? Is that why people are so critical of my ideas of "Dominance" (of which i thought of more as a psychological fact than a theory) and "Spiritual energy"? You could easily identify people by only 3 factors- skin tone, skin texture, body heat. Its easy to tell how strong you are. Most often, bony people and strongly muscular people feel the same to the touch, so to identify them- bodily heat. Muscles keep the skin away from the bone, letting more blood through, making it hotter. Flab clogs the preception, and when the limb lacks muscle, it is cold because the skin presses on the vessels making them smaller.
Welll sorry i got a little trailed off there. Ill stop ending on depressing notes and start ending on odd facts.
Average people use only 10% of their brain. Retards use ~2%. Geniouses use upwards of 15%-17%. Where would you rate your brain, on that scale from 2-17?
Thursday, August 22, 2002 :::
Ignorance has killed every organism and object that has been killed. Ignorance. Most of it was accidental or unavoidable, like dieing of cancer and old age, are inevitable. Well they're making a cure for cancer, but thats off topic.
I have been thinking, and wonderign why im attracted to katherine. After all, her voice and choice of words makes her seem more like Herbert, and that clack and grey shirt she had on the past two days just dont work on her... but then, today, I found the answer.
That green dress. I cannot believe how gorgeous she looks in it. I am afraid someone else noticed too. Also... leg position tells all. Closed legs symbolizes self-control, self-preservation, self-concious, basically excorsizing image over concern, yourself first. IT can also indicate the absence of the below.
Open legs symbolize innocence, purity, or not caring about image. It can also mean the exact opposite, the lack of any innocence and total impurity. However, i know that Katherine is no slut (and i am too shy to be a pimp or perv), so that leave either innocence, thoughfulness, or not caring. I doubt shes innocent, as i heard an argument over nastiness (she also wears goth clothes occasionally and isnt a goth by nature, by far, so maybe its ignorance?) The arument was that she was an "insomniac" and went into her bedroom to "do stuff". Now me knowing katherine i interpreted it to draw or read or something like that, but the guy (who i think is her friend, but obviously does not know her as i do), he interpreted it as "DO stuff (as in masturbation)". My knowlege indicates she does not practice masturbation, and if so, rarely and self-conciously (as i can be just like her at times, and well... youve seen below). Im puzzled by all this, and what it could mean... but oh well.
I have figured out a connection between "geeks" (my group) and "goths" (which katherine does not belong to, and if she trys to become one im gonna have to show her reasons not to.) The hackers. I always thought they were some guy with no life at all and was pissed at the world. Lo and behold, i was ignorant and overlooked the fact that that description fir a goth perfectly. I was thinking they were more civilized.
My ignorance will kill me one day, espically with Katherine. Expect me to be staring for a while.
I've also noticed Heather in orchestra again, trying to not let her notice me. I dont know how shed react if she sees me... i cant let it happen.
I dont know what's going on with Allyse. Well im not sure thats her name but lets leave it at that for now. I cannot figure out... she seems to follow me, as if she needs help, but is afraid to admit it? She aparently has some friends who are open, and she may be very much like me. But if she had guts to ask me to lead her once, she doesnt have guts to approach me again and just say hi? Does she like me? I even took the hot path today, not through the air conditioned hallway. She still followed me. I told my friends about it (im loud) and i saw her give me a strange look. Gah im so confused as to what to do about her! Confront her? I feel much more confident around her... maybe ive estabolished dominance over her? I know why.
Its because i was in a dominant mood when i met her. My aura to someone is all determined by how i was when i met them. when i met Katherine i was very confused, and likewise now im extremely confused about her. But, i met herb in a ignorant stage. Unfortunately, now, i cant be enlightened toward him. Maybe its just me, but i swear that is the case with everyone. Thats why i cant go back to see my old teachers, i was troubled then. Ive sorted out my problems since then, but with them they will never be solved. Solving my problems means explaining my past. I hate my past!!!!! I want it to go away!!!! DAMN YOU PAST!
I wish to get closer to Katherine, and i have found many logical ways. One is to ask her with Spanish help (ill need it if she is as good as she appears to be). Another is with english help. A third would be to release a little bit about me to her, the fact i like Anime, and see if it goes right or wrong. Another is to learn some japaneese, and try to say something and get her to notice it. Explain thats all i know, and wouldl ike to know more (in fact get her to help me translate shit, i got plenty lying around both verbal and readable). A last would be very unlikely, try to sing a japaneese song silently. Like i can memorize a song in a language i dont know? Im gonna have to get the slayers theme so i can translate the song and learn it. If you have any Slayers lying around with the intro (Far Away) thats subbed sitting around (or if you could translate it), it would be of great help!
Lastly... someone needs to know about this page. Im becoming untangled, and feel everything i can release is safe now. I have no secrets.
And lastly, a fact that scares me, most guys marry girls that are alot like their mothers. Katherine's ignorance/innocence scares me. However, she is different in physical features (logner and bigger everything). But... her lack of enlightenment will NOT work FOR me. Im gonna need to pump some of it into her! Mr. Cullen, if you can see this, HELP ME!!!!
I have the experience to solve most everything, but no one believes i do. It must be thrown out into the open that i can help with anything that needs helping!
My ignorance will kill me someday. Just like its killed many others.
Katherine... ill be there soon... dont worry.
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 :::
Second day as a freshman... yay?
Well the sane thing to do is tell my schedule.
1st period- English (I swear the love giving me english 1st period....)
2nd period- Biology (Okie class, no big gripes)
3rd period- Geometry (teacher MUCH meaner than she looks)
4th period- Spanish (Nice teacher, funny class)
5th period- Geography (Teacher also coaches JV cheerleaders, lots of football players in that class)
6th period- Orchestra (Lots of crappy players in it, i think i'll do real well if i ever figure out how to play again)
And the next logical thing to do is to bore all other readers with my gripes about the classes.
1st- Katherine is in it. Although i know some other people, our "friendship" is obvious in every class im with her in it. Yes its the one ive mentioned before... Her actions puzzle me. Its as if my desperate attempts to contact her in the past have somehow been taken coreectly, but how? Well an even more puzzling question is, how could i not know that she was "gothic", and why does my social group (the "geeks") have an odd attraction to them? Why do i like katherine at all? Shes obviously annoying.... like a Herbert in the female sence. Least she has a nice bod (well according to me, you may think otherwise). And she may complain how her mother will let her wear her big clunky leather strap leather boots, but not let her wear her black cotton armwraps, but at least i havent heard anything about a boyfriend. That gives me an open chance, if i can ever stop smiling and do something about it. Only mention of other sex was "Dan", one of her friends of long, and she was comparing something i said to something he said. Cant remember it, but i know its not important. Dan is no threat to my path. More later.
2nd- Isaac and Chris (not mentioned anywhere) are in it, sitting all around me. I hate that, but as long as a dont ask dont tell rule is kept....
3rd- Herb is in it, although he sits far away. Lauren (mentioned before) is also in it, and both sit on opposite sides of the room, im pit in the middle. As for other people.... none stike my fancy. Possibly the only class i dont have many ppl i know in. Many of the other classes i do know ppl in most arent worth mentioning. Lunch in the middle of this class.
4th- Spanish. I see Katherine again. Maybe i just need to be a little more open hearted. I think it is possible she is exactly like herb, im just approaching it wrong. Maybe i need to put this love thing aside and just consider her a friend for now. The D size boobs throw me off every time, but they're small, like a 24 or 16 (maybe not the latter), but dont trust me, i know nothing about bra sizes. However, her being a goth (and me being a geek, and you know geeks have many many fantasys, many of them not clean at all) really opens possibilities (and closes them too for her, im not into S&M), but by my impressions of her (up until this point), id think that one showing of Pink's Just Like A Pill video should scare all gothic fantasys out of her. Im almost positive.
5th period- Kris, Herb, Will all in same class. Usually walk a nice girl from my 4th period class to it, and i get the impression she doesnt like me too much. But if she needed (wanted) my help getting to this class for a second time in a row, does this mean she likes me? Well of course not in a date sence, but she seems to stay away. I know i dont smell, or Katherine would comment on it! What is wrong? I think her name is Allyse... she is shy, im positive, but i know for a fact if she liked me at all she'd at least sit near me, there were plenty of open desks near me when we got there. Maybe in all honesty she just really couldnt remember where the Pavillion was? Whatever reason there may have been, Im positive im not smelly. Maybe she dont like Katherine... but if she dont, screw her. Ive known Katherine for over two years, and its obvious im good friends with her, but i am not shoving off someone ive been trying to get closer to for over two years just for some girl that ive known for two days! BTW Katherine smells of meat (vienna sausage-like). Im sure its either her lunch box or breath. Note to self: Sneak in a hint that she needs to wear perfume to cover that meaty smell! If im gonna like a girl she aint gonna smell if i can help it. Also note: Draw more and show her it. Definate way to get closer, as she'll know you need help and offer to help you. Err help me.
6th- sorry i got sidetracked again. Plan failing already. I'll try.... Orchestra. Kris, Michael, All my weirdass friends. Its a really odd class, full of (?) people who seem like (?) "anime fans", always real awkward yet outgoing. Im sure few watch any anime, and im sure even fewer like it as much or more than i do.
And that's my day. Sorry for so many interjections about Katherine, just she's important in my life. Her outgoing-ness is ideal, and if i somehow get to know her better, im sure it is impossible for my character to worsen.
BTW SUBTILE (sick) NOTE:
Saw katherine at her locker today. Wearing Pink underwear, and a black bra (to match her black shirt). Sick bastard arent i?
I told you geeks are perverts.
Something to think about:
No matter how good you are, there will always be someone better.
No matter how great you are, there will always be someone who is trying to destroy you.
Your only downfall comes from not having your guard up. Always be aware of your enemies, weather you know you have any or not, and always be prepared.
Oh yes, and to re-assure you messy ppl, prepared and organized are totally different things.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 :::
OMG i am so sorry i origionally posted these in the MY DAY blog not the MY LIFE blog i am so sorry! Look at the MY DAY blog for the actual dates, im too lazy to post them here.
Use that for all ur computer needs.
Sorry about the lack of updates. There hasnt been much going on in my real life.
If you must know what's been going on... well, I cant stop dreaming about Katherine... I really do wish I could remember in specifics what the dreams are about. I do remember the movie dream, where im at the movies with her, real well. The movie we see changes each time, sometimes I cannot disguinsh it.
This has made me look into the future a bit deeper. Until now my prime concern has been just getting a girl. That is gone now. I am re-assured something I do will develop a romance. By who? Myself. another thought process. But, about that, I've always considered going to the movies a date. One guy said, "Just ask her to the movies, then ask her out there". It was on some message boards. That was a while ago. Now... The more I think about it, the more he is right. She would think not as much of me If i just go up to her and ask her "Hey, im going to the movies this weekend, and was wondering if you would like to come with me?". It sounds so much better that way, other than "Want to go see a movie this weekend?". It makes it sound like an afterthought, like Im not depending upon her to go to the movies (even though I am).
Which brings me to the point. During the movie my mind will concentrate on nothing but the prospect of asking her out, how, when, and why. I will end up asking her out at the end, knowing that it is "not or never", as my mind usually works. Inferiority complex's suck.
Well, like to respond with a comment? Replys are always welcome, so please do.
In the end, well, I've sort of disbanded with Lindsey and Brent. It is just way too hard to maintain their schedule and my own. They are not technology geeks- to the slightest degree. It is really hard maintaining their going places and my internet life.
People who say that an internet life is stupid and you should get a real life, are all nuts. Ive learned more things on the internet than i ever would have in real life.
I'm going to stop writing in my other blogs. Sorry, but if u cant handle this there aint nothing you need to know.
-Psy
