Sunday, June 30, 2002 :::
After watching Pilot Candidate, I usually lie in bed and think to myself. I usually reflect upon myself. Here is where I will do that. weather anyone reads this or not, I shal bring forth my thoughts. Weather they make sence or not, is your call. They're all mine.
Last night, I had a dream. The dream was weird. I know for a fact I was at the movies, with a group. I must have been, because I pictured myself riding in a crowded car, sitting on the left with Lindsey in the middle, or at least to the right of me.
But... The faces were not named. Except for lindsey and me, the faces were all black, as if just saying "it's somebody, but nobody important". I remember letting somethign go, but not the inital burden releasing my past brings upon someone. It was as if we were joking, something was humerous. But... normally the atmosphere between me and her (and her friends) is a nervous one, my thoughts clouding the magnetic energy brains give off. My senses are not adept to decrypt messages thrown into the open, but I can at least detect their persence and aura (nervous, happy, mad, spuratic...). When i am trying, anyway. Reminds me of the Telepathy mentioned on Pilot Candidate, how Zero's partner read his thoughts when Zero had an E-X reaction in the Quo-Bal.
Well anyway, my dad suddenly popped up and wanted to take me home. I had a sudden flash (like in a movie) back to the note I left, and although I cannot remember the exact details, he misinterpreted it as me needing a ride back even though I didnt. I really wanted to ride with lindsey, but I could not dissapoint my dad...
Katherine keeps popping into my mind... something of her won't let me go. It's as if she implanted a parasite in me and forgot to retrieve it... I cannot forget the dance. With her, I had the same feeling of nervousness in the air, but it was drifting into space. I could talk.. although all she wanted was me to turn, I actually gave her a command back, "Turn continously... on my lead".
I believe there's this great leader in me. One who is adept for everything, but is shrouded in the casing. One of my friend's finally put a name to this casing... he called it an "Inferiority Complex". I think that seems adequite.
I come out in times of no leader. When nobody volenteers, I take it upon myself to direct a group. I saw a commercial for Six Flags Astroworld, and I thought, what would happen if I went with a bunch of Lindsey's friends? I pictured there being confusion of what we wanted to do next, some wanted to do one thing, others wanted to go another. I finally put an end and led the group somewhere. That's a good example of the leader in me...
I swear I had a dream last night (now the night before) about Katherine.. If i could remember it i'd share it with you. Sorry, you know as much as I do.
I did however have a daydream. I was at the movie theatre today, went to see Bourne Identity. Good movie, but that's not the point. The theatre was packed, so there was a couple (i suspected newlyweds) sittign to my left, and it got me thinking. What would it be like If i took Katherine to the movies? I pictured me puttign my arm around her, and her rejecting it. I said "Look, if I'm gonna be your boyfriend, theres certain things that come with it." I also thought about continuing to say it would only go as far and long as she wished, but I didnt. The next image came of her snuggling to my shouldur as i ran my fingers through her long brown hair... same shade as mine. There's a good example of Imagry for yer next english report. Moving on...
I still believe in energy. Dispite the face that numerous intelligent sources prove that the human has no "energy",either spiritual (as named in Yuyu Hakusho), requiring little or no actual physical stregnth, but offering a boost; or actual Physical (Dragon Ball Z), absolutely requiring strong physical and mental training.
I read in my World Histroy book (summer school) of The Oracle testing of gult in medieval times. It even gave an example, first statign a man dipping his hand in oil then a certain solution. It also called a man a fool. It then went on to tell of a bishop cloaked, who took his arm out and placed it into a boiling pot of water, fishing for a ring for "what must be at least an hour" and retrieving it, only to say that the pot was cool at the top and slightly warm at the top. The priest then proceeded, "May god lay his blessings upon me," and put his arm in the boiling pot, in which all flesh and muscle was instantly burned off leaving only bone.
It took me just a little too long to figure out that the Bishop was the one with the oil, NOT the priest.
But, for the bit that I did think the priest had the oil, I was thinking that it did nothing to coat the arm, and the bishop was a Paladin, a holy warrior of god, who called upon the stregnth of god.
Which brings about my belief in god. Upon studying the history of the pope, his claims are false that he is the direct decendant of one of the apostles. It was true, for about the first 20 or so, but then, about 1000, the pope's split, the italian pope being the real pope and the french pope being the impure pope. Finally an agreement was met, and a third pope was named the official, therefore breakign the official Italian chain. Therefore, Roman Christanity is no more true than Eastern Orthodox christanity, which is no more true than any of the prodestant religions. Hell, Judisiam and Muslim are no more true than any of the Christian religions. I believe that if you believe in any one of these, Judisiam (laws) and Muslim (strict prayers) being on the extremes and christanity (nothign real strict) being on the leniant middle, you will have a chance to go to heaven (assuming that you have no chance if you do not believe in any of theese).
I'd love to talk about the "Other World", as that is where the logical direction of this thought would go to, but my spiritual and physical energy is wearing down ( i am typing slow and my brain is going numb and my lower arm, upper muscle on the left is hurting, leaving only one hand to type). Guess if I gain back my mental energy (or have dreams), I'll talk to you about it then. Till then,
Good night. It's been fun.
Psydude
Thursday, June 27, 2002 :::
Why havent I posted in my life?
Because I never really get to thinking until late... NOTHING eventful goes on in my mind. Least until i go to bed...
And even then nothign goes on. But... however, recently...
I've started dreaming of Katherine again. Well, not like deep dreaming, but she passes in my mind from time to time. Theres NOTHING I can do about it... being the chickenshit I am i'm too afraid to call (Her and maybe even Her Father would recognize my name and not pick up).
I've felt this thing... I'm not sure what it was, at the dance. It was like i was nervous (which I always am), but there was something fighting, like it was an illness. I was a fool to run off to my bus. I should have stayed and talked.
I still feel bad with what i did to Heather. She doesnt seem to be hunting me down though (shes not acting strange toward me either), nor is she runnign in fear. She either didnt read it, forgot it, or just didn't attach it to my image. Or she doesnt care.
Have you ever just looked back in your logs and wonder "what state of mind was I in when i said that?" or, "Did I say that?!" or "that doesnt seem like me". Thats been hapeneing to me for a while.
What have I been up to? Look in "my day".
Saturday, June 08, 2002 :::
OK enoug of the tests.
I found out the answer.
Am I in love?
No. Im a normal guy. Lindsey just happens to be the only female in my life, so it seems that she's the only one I can dream about, but recently I had a Dream about Allison. It wasnt exactly clean either...
Lindsey said she hates Perverts. One day Im gonna have to admit who I am to her, and tell her about my past. The sooner that day comes, the better.
Getting laid, although I am despratly in need of it, isnt my primary goal. First I need a friend, a female friend. Ive always figured females were more spiritual then men.
I tried to bring out my energy in the theatre. I was sitting between Lindsey and Tim. I failed. But, while in the car on the way home, I noticed something. Lindsey's energy was abnormally warm for a female. It is probibly due to her wearing a tank top and being bare armed, but I think theres somethign unusual about that. I could feel it, strong, through my shirt. She's either at one with her spiritual energy, strong, or gifted. Shes gifted at singing, extremely. She is a gifted person, but gifted spiritually? I will test out her stregnth tomarrow, to see if her warmness was just blood flowing or if its actually spiritual. I dont want to test my energy on her... but i do have a stregnth test (other than arm wrestling). What I do is ask her to grab my hand and pull with all her might. If sucessful, it wont be too hard. If its weak or mid-range, its normal. If its strong, its weird. If she pulls any of the former and then gains a boost (if trying hard), shes spiritual. She'll know then if she did it on purpuse or didnt notice she pulled harder. The former is spiritual, the latter is gifted. If either, I test her spiritual absorbation rate. Basically i try to meditiate and send energy to her. Hopefully i can do it quick enough.
Probably the greatest Jedi Knight of all. Like Obi Wan, you are wise and keep your feet on the ground at all times. You will not be outsmarted by anyone. You are always faithful to your friends. Be careful though, danger lurks around every corner - you could even be betrayed by those closest to you.
Friday, June 07, 2002 ::: The-CTRL-ALT-DEL ^^ HOMEPAGE^^
Tiffany...
I cannot get her out of my mind. She's no goth. She's me.. except female. She walks like me, has about same amt of friends as me, other than the obvious physical differences we are so alike...
I am remembering my past, all sparked by Lauren. She now sits in front of me in summer school, and I knew i recognized the name. She;s the same Lauren who used to tease me in 6th grade english. She aint teasing me now... Gues we've both changed, for the better. But, she's making me remember my past for what it was, and not selectivly. I even am emen re-visiting my dreams from 6th grade, one of them where I was a Sorceror. I only took one year of one magic class. But, i learned the basic spells. And, for the final exam, we had to impress the instructor. For that, I learned 5 different spells from all the books in the library. One of them was Telekenitic reaching. I wrote down how to do it in 6th grade, but now, I dug up that paper from some washed jeans (it was amazingly sorta intact) and read it, trying to remember the spell. I sucessfully did it. What did i do with it? I forgot... but (unfortunately) I think i controlled (and killed) a person with it. I'm ashamed.
Thanks to that, the question of "Why?" has re-emerged in my mind. Why would Brent (and Lindsey) want me to go to the movies with them? Are they going on a date? And if so, why invite me? Do they want to set me up? And if so, with who? Do they want to ask me something? And if so, what is it? About my past? If i'm Gay? Do they want to reveal something to me? And if so, what?
Well, All i know is that no matter what they ask, i will not abandon friendship. For all avid readers, I am NOT gay. Why would I not be able to get a "Tiffany" out of my mind if im gay?
I still think about Katherine. I havent seen her... I miss her. I wish i could call her (and ask her out if it takes that) just to speak with her and ask "What's going on?".
Ive began looking at pr0n again. I'm ashamed.
I still know how to change your attitude. I need more Ayla though, after the first time it doesn't work with only 15 minutes of it. I would like to introduce the method, but just lying down with a blank mind doesnt work! You need to masturbate to it. I'd have to teach masturbation to the person (or, if they know how, somehow get them to do it) and leave them be (They have to be alone to get a clear mind). That will prove chalenging at the least.
I cannot wait till tomarrow night when i go to the movies. I have so many questions, and 2 hours will answer them all.
Thanks, world, for not pushing me over the edge. the intoduction of Lindsey into my life has pushed my life away from the goth border i was so close to falling into. Although I almost suicided, im okay now. Thanks God, you;ve done so much to me and ive never done a thing back...
Aura's. Ive been emarrased so much in class that my aurical energy was just going mad one day. I can sence someone... to my right (which is the direction Lindsey and some others I know are in) can sense it, or at least somebody is suckign it in. I felt it radiating back at me (which is normal) to my left, byt my right was going cold. Someone knew. Someone knows. Im going to channel my energies and see who. Although I am not near stong enough to send damaging energy blasts, i can send waves of warmth. Double my energy and I could help heal (significantly). Although it will take a while, I will figure out how to channel my warmth into a stream instead of a big blast.
Thursday, June 06, 2002 ::: Google ^^MY Home Page^^
After spending weeks convincing myself of the opposite, i finnally have a deep thought worth of posting rivaling Chuck's death.
Okay, relevent to the past. After spending weeks of convincing myself of the opposite...
Oh shit theres nothing smart i can say to make you think about what im about to say before you get it. I like doing that. I hope one day someone will do what I do, just take 20 minutes pondering what happened, what I said comes up, and someone gets it and looks at me a whole new way tomarrow. I like making people think.
Okay, I'll just say it. I think im on love with Lindsey...
I cant help it. I have fantasys about every girl at school... but not as much as i have with her lately. I vive to talk with her, but theres nothing I want to say in particular. I look at her all the time. Shes the only girl who will ask me anythign except the time and an answer on a worksheet.
Well, im going to the movies with her this weekend. I guess we'll just have to see...
