Thursday, October 31, 2002 :::
Its haloween.
I sat at the table downstairs listning to music and studying "The decline and fall of the roman empire" along with my english vocab. I couldnt stop thinking of Cathy... i cannot figure out why tho.... I didnt think i liked her at all...
I need a better time than the present to ask out someone. Id like to ask out Lauren, but I feel Im drifting even farther than before from her.
Courtney had an interesting shirt on... Nervousness sucks. I couldnt get a good look at it so i went up to her after class to ask- it was in english but made no sence to me, she explained it as a "Con I went to" but that confuses me even more.
I saw a king of the hill episode today. I was frienghtened my friends my see the relation between it and me (I was over at Thai's house, and so was Herb), it was about how Bobby was obsessed with Connie. I know im NOWHERE near that obsessed, but still....
And as for Katherine, although my dreams no longer contain ONLY her (if her at all) and I dont see her when i close my eyes, It means in no way I like her any less. Even with her very ugly gloves and her hose, I am starting to get over. I will never forgive myself for falling in love wth her.
"Look... dont be reserved. I know someone out there likes you just like I did. Just accept if he asks you out. You put me thought a living hell, and I dont want that kid to go through the same."
It is true that I would be a totally different person if it wasnt for Katherine... I wouldnt be so intelectual if she hadnt put me through my depression.
Which brings me back to my past. Although Katherine wasnt the one I was obsessed with... If i remember correctly she's the only one I told exactly who. Carolyn Davis. Well, although I no longer like her as I once did, somehow at the summer of 8th grade I began to like Katherine more and more... tracing it back...
Kevin (Richardson) used to tease me about how I should ask Katherine out... she was hot then (But pale as she still is). Every time he commented that we both said "NO no no, we're only friends". I stopped saying that, and it was no accident. Given I was desperate, I was also rational. I realized she was almost perfect for me, before my emotional side realized it found it's mate.
Given... I guess I was obsessed. I had a chance, and I blew it. I had too many chances. Well, knowing one of Katherine's friends, im more than willing to apologise. I am truely sorry... For saying those mean things. I can understand your position, Katherine, ive been in it before with another person. Im no longer friends with that person, as you arent with me... but i've forgiven him. Again, given he didnt come on to me, and hes not of the opposite sex, but what he did wasnt pleasing. It was offencive. And, now, I never go to his house again.
But, Im not asking that you go to my house. Not yet. Id just like, no, love it if you would just resume talking to me personally. Keep me blocked on AIM, I dont care.
Oh whoops. Sorry.... got carried away. Well anyway, I NEED HELP STUDYING, and Katherine's the only one that can help. Hell, she helped me this far, without doign anything. I even have this subconsiously planned out, and frankly, i dont care if we jsut meet in the library. I NEED HELP!!!
Please, if you can help me obtain my goals, please do. If not, stop reading this post here
Monday, October 28, 2002 :::
I think i really am changing... call it living on chance or just plain metamorphasis, im definately changing.
There are more females in my life than mentioned here. Ever, before. One i doubt ive mentioned before is Monique. Theres a reason too, because both of us have changed. I used to be very talkative, just blabbing on. Now im typically more straight to the point or matter-of-fact. And im not sure how she's changed, but before she used to complain about my talking, "Shut up Todd" and a smile showing it was playful and not hurtful used to be all id get from her. Now, she has the locker NEXT to me and we talk there- every day.
Well thats not the point. Nothings been between us- wowee she got a new folder and i write my homework on a piece of paper. But, the point is, Something new I do. Spur-of-the-moment.
First, put this in perspective. Im tall. 6'4 tall (just measured). Most girls are about 5'7 or 5'8, so about at my armpit. What i do, is i rub their heads. So far ive only done this to Monique and Monica, both in orchestra which is my last class. Monica is the only female cellist in my clasS (there are 5), and Monique is a Viola.
Just a quick fleck, and ive learned its hard to do when they have it styled, so i just pat it at that.
Ive gotten playful responces to my playful nature. mainly "Stop", when im halfway across the room.
If nice guys finish last, then this is the way to go.
On another note, on saturday, i went to go see a movie. Barbor Shop. it was funny, but bad plot and a bad voice acting. Anyway, thats not my point.
My point is that after it, we decided to roam around. I found this place, "Netzone", with blackened windows. I though it was closed, until i saw the "Open" sign and went in.
THE PLACE IS A GAMIONG CAFE!!!! It is AWESOME playign CS with ppl ACROSS THE ROOM!!!
I could only afford an hour at the time but I SO WANT TO GO BAAACCCKKKK!!!!!!!! F*CKING AWESOME!!!
Sunday, October 27, 2002 :::
Techno Expo 2002 was AWESOME! I picked up so much, learned alot, and i met Yosh (Chris's frined from Anime club) there. Chris was grounded so he couldnt come. But i got Patrick Norton and Martin Sargent's autographs on a photo! I put it as an inset on one of my WC III Lithographs (which i hung up), the orc one =). Now i got an erasaeble pad and a techTV sticker on the side of my comp, and a tech TV monitor brush!
I'm getting a sony 21" monitor for christmas! Damn its so far off tho, 2 months away!
And lastly, although ive stopped stalking girls... im wondering if im ever going to get over this shyness?
And watch Dragon Drive. I think it's good.
Friday, October 25, 2002 :::
Umm... okay.
Early today, i decided to hang out in the cafeteria (closeby to where Katherine hangs out) to talk to some of my other firends. One girl (big, red hair) comes up and asks me "Which one of ya'll likes Katherine?"
I being honest, said "Me".
"Stay away from my woman"
"Uhh... okay"
she walked off.
At the end of the day when i got to anime clug, she was there too. Later she explained that she knew that I "Scared" and "Stalked" Katherine. I didnt play dumb, i said "Yeah. So?" Well, "Shes not really my girl, she doesnt swing that way"
"I know. She told me before I scared her."
"Why did you stalk her?"
"Because I liked her"
"How much? Like like or just like?"
"Let's just say its the extreme of like"
That concludes it.
Thursday, October 24, 2002 :::
Sorry i havent written. School shit.
Well, earlier in the week, i said to my friend that I thought Katherine has finally come to terms and forgiven me. I must have lied, because this morning I noticed her dodging me at the lockers.
How can i tell? Shes pretty good, ill hand it to her. But a couple clues helped.
One, I was watching some kids have a conversation there, and noticed Katherine was NOT at her locker. I then hear a scurry as i round the corner and see a flash of hair and the reflection of Katherine in the windows. I stop, look, and see a shadow behind the lockers. Look back, her reflection is gone. I keep walking, and as i turn back, she has progressed onto her locker.
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE SO AFRAID OF?! Its not like i am going to do anything, I have no incentive and dont have anything to say anyway! Except I need help in both Spanish and English, the two classes i have her in. I'm wondering if i should ask her for help? Man that would be harder than asking Lauren out...
Which I am detirmined to do. Hopefully, I wont chicken out tomarrow and w8 for her after geometry, a perfect chance. Unless she's wearing that damn mesh shirt, that looks horrible on her!!!
And Katherine has worn some gloves recently, they're lace with a pattern. They look horrible on her!!!
I cannot stress these two points enough. If they keep wearing this shit, im gonna have to find someone else to ask out!! And most everyone else has a boyfriend...
Eh well I know what i have to do!
But you dont. Your mission is to, VISIT MY WEBSITE at http://www.flatface.net/~psyde255/ And I did encounter Olivia, the girl who sits in front of me in Geometry (HOT!!!) in the hallway. We just stared into eachother's eyes (this time i could tell it wasnt the same stare as Courtney gave me last week, it wasnt trying to pry anything from me like Courtney's), a little hi was what i meant to say but it didnt escape until AFTER I passed her. Hehhhh......
Signing out
Psy
Sunday, October 20, 2002 :::
So this is what it's like. What it's like to have finally grown up.
You go to the mall, and although you may still pay attention to all the "cool" things, when you go by women's clothing stores, its not the same.
You dont see the clothes for what they are, or the manakins, you put in place a girl you know, or more often like, and envision her wearing that same outfit.
So... This is what it's like to have finally grown up?
This... is... amazing!
Wednesday, October 16, 2002 :::
Nothing.
I didnt do anything.
Absolutely nothing! Important.
Well, okay. Ill mention two things that hapened.
In reverse chronological order.
1) I saw Thai (friend, have i mentioned him before? Small Vietnamiese person.) talking to Akina today. Instead of being intrustive and evesdropping (it was in the open grass, kinda hard not to tell) I waited for Thai to get on the bus to ask him. Aparently they are friends. I didnt know. Oh well. Nosy is better than intrusive!
2) How exactly do you acknowlege a girls existance without actually speaking? With a guy a quick reverse nod and a "Sup" do just fine, but how do you do it with a girl? Well, I encountered Courtney twice in the hallway, more than I remember. We just stared into eachother's eyes.
Heh. Nope. Nothing. Just a few odd thoughts that arent very important anyway. Im bored.
Off to hack sign.
Bye
Tuesday, October 15, 2002 :::
Well, im not entirely sure this will be pusblished. I think theres something wrong with my blog...
But anyway, I do have something important to say.
I love Katherine.
I cant get around it either... every day the urge to ask HER out just comes back greater and greater... but if my next plan goes... accordingly... then I might re-make friends with her.
First, let me introduce Courtney. She is a fellow anime otaku, and is aparently really good friends with Lauren. I find no interest in her, however, because I just see nothing special. She is pretty cool though, and I wouldnt mind having her as a friend.
Today, at lunch, we finished eating early. Like 6 minutes early, a rarity. So, I finished my drink, and talked with my friends. INCREDIBLY BORING! I could only stand it for a minute before finally acting upon the strange urge I have.
First, my eagle eyes came into play. I looked at my destination, and found Katherine. Thankfully, she got up and left, unaware of my presence. Next time if this happens i will intentionally be ignorant of her- act as if im just as good as friends with Katherine as i am with Lauren and Courtney.
I went to where Lauren and Courtney sit, and just sat down. Pretty much observed them, from across the table. Asked a few questions, but neither of them questioned my sudden action. They studied biology... very giddy. I didnt know the mitochondira were so funny. Lauren seemed to like sniffing Courney's shoulder, in which i got a chance to observe Lauren's very odd earrings. Or whatever they were. My ears didnt seem to work as well as they should have, i couldnt exactly hear all their words. But thats not really important.
I know both of them. However... they both dont know each other knows me, because ive never "greeted" them together. Only seprately. My question is, why didnt they say anything? Its as if they both knew me, and knew eachother knew me. In other words; ive been brought up.
Earlier I mentioned Katherine. I always, well to be truthful, fantasized about them talking about me. I wanted to see which way i was affected and whose point of view would dominate. If they did bring me up at one time, aparently the result was inconclusive. They must have agreed to disagree or never finished the topic.
Then again, I've misread these things before.
And as for last post, the person I wanted to know was Katherine. Its amazing how linear you think due to mood- I was more obsessive than I thought.
Obsessive... Im not anymore. Not intentionally. I try to avoid this stuff. However, is it wrong to hate all the guys that talk to the girl you like more than you do? Sometimes I feel like beating them up... because i know them all. And that pisses me off.
Keeping my mindstate is becoming harder and harder. I have to fufil Ayla's dream (the song, not Tiffany). Ayla was the only thing that changed me, I put all my worries, my life away and just created a new one. No, I became myself. But I woke up and reality came back. AND THAT PISSES ME OFF! I must keep the worries away, just form a new me. I must fufil Ayla's dream.
And earlier in my blog I named an "Inferiority Complex". Its gone. And im gonna keep it that way. Once I get the curage, timing, and friendship back, I will ask Lauren out, again. This time im going to make sure it goes through. I WILL!!!!!
Sunday, October 13, 2002 :::
I have nothing to post on. I wasnt planning on posting.
But matt isnt on, and I had to tell someone this:
My AIM name is Wintoilet (some useless shit is edited out)
"Session Start (AIM - WinToilet:MoPMoonchild): Sat Mar 23 19:01:25 2002
[19:08] MoPMoonchild: i turned 14 freshman year
[19:08] WinToilet: you start school late
[19:08] WinToilet: or fail?
[19:08] MoPMoonchild: no
[19:08] WinToilet: what then?
[19:08] MoPMoonchild: i just made the cutoff
[19:08] MoPMoonchild: and only 1 yr of preschool
[19:08] MoPMoonchild: and im a "smart cookie"
[19:09] WinToilet: i'm a "Unreliable unstable disaccoiate stalker with no life"
[19:10] MoPMoonchild: and that came from who?
[19:11] WinToilet: i just put pieces of it together of my opinions of what people think of me
[19:11] MoPMoonchild: some chick thought u were stalkin her?
[19:11] WinToilet: dissaccoiate= loner, and yes
[19:11] MoPMoonchild: lol
[19:11] MoPMoonchild: were u?
[19:11] WinToilet: or at least I THINK she thinks that
[19:12] WinToilet: sortof, yes"
Now im on a frantic search of my memory to find out WHO THE HELL IS THIS GIRL I was talking about! Is it Katherine? Or someone else? I cant remember!!!!
Saturday, October 12, 2002 :::
Sometimes a conversation happens.
"I just dont love you,"
"You dont have to. Just like me, its ok. You cant learn to love, but you can learn to like. Typically at this age true love never happens. Just as long as you like me"
"Then who is the one?"
"I have already found the one for me. The one for me is one of your friends, but at the moment, she wont speak with me"
"Who?"
"I wont say"
Sometimes a conversation happens. In my mind.
Let me be with you. (Chobits OP)
Uhh err...
Odd development.
Me and my friend (Mike) decided to go to the renoisance festival next weekend.
Lauren is going too!!
Uhh err...
Well we arent going together.
But i have to tell her somehow!
Somehow...
How?! Oh gosh, i dont know what to do! I could not tell her, but i need to! Call her? Talk in person? Either way, how would i say it?
Well, ill just play on chance somemore. Chance seems to be working well for me lately.
Ill tell you somehow, Lauren!
Somehow...
Friday, October 11, 2002 :::
Im sorry for posting twice a day. But its time for another Reflexive moment.
Its all too good. Almost. I feel like Ive finally lived out my dream.
Just a week ago i said to Matt, "I just need to start anew. I want to so badly." That was near the end of my obsessive period. Before that, i had a one track personality. I focused on nothing but Katherine. I deamt of her! Lots too. I looked for her in crowds- whether it be at school or at somethign as obscure as church. I cannot believe myself! I was so obsessed, i was blinded.
To see with eyes unclouded. - Princess Mononoke
Now i can finally do that. (The actual quote is "To see with eyes unclouded by hate", but he simplifies it and excluded the preposition most of the time)
Only a week earlier I said i wanted to start Anew. My eyes were still clouded by Katherine. I didnt notice the girls i noticed only weeks prior...
I cannot thank Katherine enough. I never would be me if you didnt show me the true path, oddly enogh, by just "Dodging". Now i truely know what it is to "Just be yourself". I am me.
Thanks.
Lauren cant go.
Im not going either.
Why? Why should i go?
Well, the convo.
"So, can you go?"
"No, im going a friends house all weekend"
"Well, how about a movie some time?"
"Well, im usually busy on weekends. Next weekend I have the renoisance festival"
"Well give me a call when you can. do you need my number?"
"No. I have the student directory."
"Well, i guess its in there. K."
And that ended it. again my memory is not perfect, but it should be close to it.
I cannot believe i cant take my mind off of her and what i can do now... the possibilities are endless, my dreams are coming true!
However... The relationship isnt "active". I know since i asked HER out, she wont be one to keep it active immediately. So... looks like I'll be asking the questions for now.
I hope her and Katherine dont communicate about me. Explaining that would be hell, it would have to include my blog address.
And also, I cant call her just yet. One, shes not home. Thats probibly all holding me back. If worse comes to worse and she is busy weekend after next, then I will just have to schedule a "date" during the weekdays- probibly reduced to something as little as going to her house and getting a "tour".
W00T! I have a girlfriend!
But wait... well... First person in my circle of friends, finally someone i can "touch", "Kiss", or just let my feelings out to. Most likely its the same on her side.
And thanks to all that made this possible.
First, to thank Matt, for helping me though trying times,
Next, straight to Lauren, for forgetting the note in 6th grade.
Lastly, a HUGE thanks to Katherine, for turning my life around. Im supposed to hate you, but i cant help but laugh when you do that stuff. Run, and the such, its all so funny. You think im going to do something to you- no, you dont get it. You ceased communication, so I did too.
I will never forget you. You had the biggest impact of anyone.
Heh, im talking in the 2nd person, like shes in front of me. Heh.
Matt, if you havent given Katherine my blog address yet, thank you. Well, either way, it doesnt matter too much now. Go ahead. It cant get any worse- nor could i care less.
Thursday, October 10, 2002 :::
W00T! I asked out Lauren!
Well, i was going to ask out Akina, but i think during 3rd period (???) it occured to me "Wait, you like lauren, right? Why not ask her to Homecoming instead?"
So i did! Living on chance is AWESOME!
One point though, she didnt say yes to homcoming.
I cannot remember exactly what i did, but ill see if i can repeat it here.
To start out, I was going to wait for her in class, but i didn't want to block traffic. So i went outside and stood on the wall next to the door. When she came out,
"Hey Lauren,"
"Hi"
"Well, I was wondering, do you have a date to homecoming?"
"I wasnt planning on going, (she mentions something about someone being sick, a friend or relitive or sibling or something...)"
"Well, I would like you to go"
(Something)
"If you do, I'd like you to be my date..."
"(Entusiasticly) Really? Cool. I'll check"
She then entered the second floor to her locker, and I went down to the fine arts building.
Im going to ask her tomarrow if she can go. If so, great! If not, ill go the direct route and ask her to a movie or something.
Now, to be reflexive.
Previously, ive written mostly on my observations. However, now, I'm mainly writing about my actions now.
I guess i was stalking....
NO MORE! Why would i need to stalk Lauren now anyway? Ill just ask her anything i need to right from her!
But im still shy....
Sunday, October 06, 2002 :::
So this is it. Ive started a new chapter into my life. Its over. Finally. Its over. Im out of girls to like, somthing i thought would never happen. I feel so free. I feel like Vegeta did after Cell was defeated. He didnt have anything to do but train for the next battle. Ive lost this battle, but its still lead me into another life. One i shal have to train for.
But, it still leaves some unanswered questions. What will this next chapter bring?
But more importantly, i need to know the numbers here.
Id have to say my first chapter in my life ended when i entered Kindergarden, having to think for the first time.
The next ended when i moved from Rockford to Houston. I was teased and insulted in this third chapter, one i do prefer not to remember.
The fourth chapter began in 6th grade, however this began my awareness. I am not fully aware of the clear division of this, for there is none. But it was close to when i wrote that note to Lauren. Man has she changed, she was fat then, now she's skinny and beautiful! And likes anime! W00T!
And that started my fascination with females. Up until now, my blog has reflected that. Until another female enteres my facination, i shal remain soly on the subject of Anime, therefore definining the Fifth chapter of my life as below.
One question i had to myself on thursday was, "Now that this has ended, who is next? Which girl should i seek out?" I have learned that is wrong. Chobits says nothing of this subject, however it and Matt combined showed me that I was stalking... I am ashamed.
I always knew i wasnt fitting in. I was desperately mad, needing a girl and being fascinated with them. I pretended to make my own class, and borrow the faceplate "Geek". However, I have learned that i am no Geek gamer. That's too popular. Although i am a geek gamer, it is not my sole agenda, so therefore with the fifth chapter, I shal turn to a class thats forming. Although I will still play games, and not put my Geforce 4 Ti4200 to shame, and I shal never completely forget Katherine.
For now, I am in a class that is forming, one previously unknown to Jr. High and High schoolers. To all people outside the in, we are known as Anime Fans, or to the haters, Cartoon Freaks or Damn Japs.
However, in heart, i am no other than your local rouge Anime Otaku (literally means "Fan of Anime").
And to explain why I added rouge. I get my anime online for free, although most of it Fansubbed and not copyrighted in the US, some of it does come to me in a Licenced form, therefore making me a pirate. However, pirate sounds too funny and seems to infer that I am not alone in this art, so therefore I will be a Rouge.
And to conclude the long post that was supposed to be short, I shal hereby explain myself.
Psyde255 is from a mage clan, and is the 255th to hold the honorable name of Psyde.
Psydude256 is from an ogre clan, currently residing in Psyde no.255, and is the 256th to hold the honorable psychicly-enhanced name of Psydude.
Guinea Pig X is a hoax,
and Flamin_Hampster burnt out.
All Grieve!
Grevience over. Goodbye
Oh my... i bet i havent posted in a while.
I typically capatalize names out of respect.
It really is a long story, me and katherine. Alot has happened, that's why i never bothered to post.
I admitted i liked her, and later scared her online. I apologized in e-mail, and all was well for another week.
I did something stupid: told her i knew all her classes. I couldnt stoop out of it either, after two tries to switch subjects i explained myself, which scared her out of her wits. So badly, aparently, she cried. That was wednesday, and thursday alot happened. In english, we went to get our hearing and vision checked, and she chose a spot as far away from me as possible- the front. I was near the back, and when she got out she swiftly dodged my legs (stretched out, not purpously for her) and she then sat in a corner where all i could see was her side and har and got in a standing-fetal position. Later that day and friday i saw her at lunch- she ran and hid. Literally ran. In normal classes, she doesnt respond to anything i say.
Although i emphisesed the latter, it was kind of a friend and lost relationship. For 3 weeks straight i was good friends with her.
My last form of positive contact was after fourth period wednesday, she left her backpack unzipped so i zipped it, then her hair was off to the side so i flicked it up.
I guess it is pretty obvious to everyone that i like her, one 8th grader in my english class even asked me aloud. Since she was in earshot i replied "No, its just that i've known her for a long time". Best non-lie i could come up with.
If theres anything ive learned from anime, its from Chobits. "I love you for who you are, not what you look like." It meant that no matter if you are a persocon or a human, the person that loves you loves you for who you are, not wealth or looks.That is true love.
Which applys to me. I didnt think of this until now, but honestly, i think the way katherine looks is secondary. I loved her for who she is, herself, not her looks. Frankly, if i did, id be a dumbass, because she is not the most physically attractive person. But what position am i in to say that? I love her, no matter what, even if she wont talk to me again.
InuYasha tought me that true love is more likely to be the hard to get type. You're always with the person, but verbally there is a tone of desposition (the act of despising). However, neither of you emotionally hates the other. Through a series of coincidences locking you two together toward a common goal, you fall in love.
In the end though, i do honestly believe katherine is faking it. Her whimpers of fear are so fake i know they're forced, and im sure she figured theres more than meets the eye. She figured id be useful for something one day, therefore not attacking me back but for the moment just dodging my every move.
"Afraid to live, afraid to die, therefore i dodge"
Those were her exact words in her last e-mail. its her attempt of fighting the obvious philosophical words i use, but in my opinion, its horrible. She doesnt mean what she says.
"Afraid to die" - Everyone has a natural fear of the unknown, because most often the unknown leads to death. I am still unknown to her. Although that was not her consience reasoning, it is mine. It is true.
"Afraid to live" - She is playing with me on this one. No one can possibly be afriad to live. As my spanish teacher put it, "One of my female students told me, "Mrs. Wiseman, there is nothing better than knowing a guy thinks you're hot"". I told katherine that I thought she was pretty, and although she was depressed when she wrote it, I am sure she isnt anymore. Since she's finally got "No-Todd Time" as my friend put it, she will do not much but actually think of me, and what I said. That is my reasoning.
"Therefore I dodge" - Finishing the philosophical remark. It sounds very playful, does it not? There is no certain in this ring, but to me it sounds very playful. Shes just playing hard to get ;). Smart thing to do.
"Just wait, stare at someone else, just leave her alone for awhile, it will be okay" as Matt put it. I argued that in this day and age being slow will cost you, but rushing it will only make it worse, so i will follow his advice.
"Theres one difference between me and you, I know what to say around girls. "
Well screw you Matt, im going home.
Ok, im home.
